Virtual Sex - cheating or 'just p@rn'

lynseyloop

Help and advice needed please. I haven't got much time to go into details but I've got a leaden weight in my stomach and need to start dealing with my dilemma. I've been a regular lurker on this site for months and so I've turned to the good people on here for their views.

I 'think' my OH has been having 'virtual sex' when I'm out of the house and I don't know whether I'm over-reacting thinking he's 'cheating' on me.

I've discussed this with a male friend who views it as 'just [EMAIL="p@rn'"]p@rn'[/EMAIL] and apparently 'most' men do this in this techie age! Plus he says without proof how do I know exactly what he's doing, he could 'simply be chatting' but what about and who to immediately springs to mind? The proof I can't get as he must be private browsing and he's set up the computer to delete the history after browsing session ends - I have checked - I just found 'cookies' on the computer from two sites which sound horrendous and which I haven't dared look at: cougarsh"g.co.uk and f"ckbook.co.uk!

I'm not young and naive, and I thought I had a 'good one' this second time around (he's accepted my children, treats them far better than their real father, he's caring, fun, even does the washing/ironing etc) so I'm not doing anything drastic for the time being, but if he is doing this then I certainly can't trust him and wonder whether I want to stay around. We've been together 5 years, so on the flip side of the coin I don't want to chuck that away if its just a silly phase that will pass.

Our s"x life is still great, and nothing really seems to have changed in our relationship so I'm at a loss to understand why he's doing this, my foremost thought is: simply because he can! Then I get angry that sites like these are available and accessible to all, and are ruining marriages, relationships and the very core of family life.

Your views would be appreciated.

Plans_all_plans

Well you don't have conclusive proof of him having 'virtual sex', but I have to say that I myself would make no distinction between my husband viewing p0rn and having 'virtual sex' with somone. They are equally bad in my opinion.

Do you make a distcintion between the 2? Would you be ok with it if he's 'just' viewing p0rn?

USM

In my book it's cheating - and I'm a man.

Watching !!!!!! is one dimensional, there's no interaction so that's one thing. Actually interacting with another human in an intimate way whether it be in the pub, at a hotel, or online, is unacceptable in my view.

Gillyx

If he is having sexual conversations with another human being, then yes it's cheating in my opinion. If he is looking at !!!!!! websites (reasonable sites I'd hope and not the gross type) then it's not cheating, although I could understand why it would upset you.

I don't think blaming the sites is the way to go, as human beings we have free will and choice, your OH is choosing to access these sites, they're hardly reaching out beyond his computer and dragging him in.

His excuse of "because I can" is absolute bull crap.

Person_one

USM wrote: »

In my book it's cheating - and I'm a man.

Watching !!!!!! is one dimensional, there's no interaction so that's one thing. Actually interacting with another human in an intimate way whether it be in the pub, at a hotel, or online, is unacceptable in my view.

This, exactly.

Another human actively involved in sexually satisfying him is cheating. If he were calling sex lines or ringing female friends and having phone sex how would you feel? This is the same but with a different medium.

Plans_all_plans

There is no proof he's having sexual convos with others though? That's why I asked whether she'd be ok with him just viewing the sites.

onlyroz

Depends what he's doing. Watching !!!!!! isn't cheating. But having "cyber sex" with a real person is.

thegirlintheattic

I personally view just going on the sites, looking at photos/vids as nothing more than a !!!!!!, complete fantasy. Men like to think that they are desirable (as do women for that matter) and that they can have any woman they want.I'm lucky that my OH decided to deregister from these sites when we got together and is very open with his computer so it's never been an issue for us, although I have no problem with him viewing !!!!!! as long as it is not obsessive.

You have to decide what you think about these sites, then speak to your OH about it.

*max*

It isn't the same as !!!!!! if there is actual interaction with a real person. However, whether some people view it as cheating or not is neither here nor there IMO. What matters is how YOU view it, and how it makes you feel. If you feel he is breaching your trust, then that is what he is doing, and that needs to be sorted out with him.

I think you should talk to him about it. If he says "but it's not cheating, it's only !!!!!!", you need to make him understand that it doesn't matter, you are feeling betrayed all the same and he has to stop doing doing it if he has any regards for your feelings at all.

Edited to add: obviously you need to ascertain whethere he really is doing this before considering any breach of trust here. Talk to him.

Tropez

Cookies don't mean anything. Some sites popup and leave cookies, some banner ads are obtrusive and can easily be clicked accidentally. There was a study I read about either on Sky News or BBC News about the amount of rubbish cookies that find their way on to computers even in normal browsing.

If he were using private browsing, then these cookies would be deleted after his session, which suggests that if you're not finding anything else incriminating on the computer then these cookies are being added during normal browsing sessions by advertisements and popups and for what it is worth, I have seen both of the sites you mention popup from normal !!!!!! sites before.

At the moment, you have no evidence but you have a feeling. The question is why do you have that feeling? Is it solely because he sometimes uses private browsing and deletes history? Many people do that out of habit without there being anything nefarious about it. In fact, as you have children, could he not be deleting his history with them in mind? There's some non-!!!!!! material out there, sometimes even on the news, that young children shouldn't see. Perhaps he is simply being considerate and cautious of what your children are exposed to?

Why don't you ask him about it? It's a lot easier to tell if someone is lying to your face than it is to tell if something is amiss based on what is largely a pattern of what could be perfectly harmless events that you're thinking the worst of.

As for cheating - people have their own definitions of what constitutes cheating. If, for you, these alleged actions online constitute cheating then he's been cheating on you but before you panic yourself unnecessarily I really think you should simply ask him a few questions. Why let this drag on any longer than necessary?

jamespir

what is virtual sex ?