Just out of interest......

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

This isn't particularly relevant, though. I imagine that if the ex-SIL is on good terms with her own parents and lives close to them, they will see a lot of the grandchildren anyway. There would be no need for the OP's brother to facilitate contact between the maternal grandparents and the kids.

The key point her is that the ex-SIL is inconveniencing herself (to a degree) to allow her ex's parents regular access to their grandchildren. Access which they probably wouldn't get so regularly if left to their son, as he lives an hour away.

For them to jeopordise this mutually beneficial arrangement because they object to the ex-SIL's new partner (who they have no issues with) being present, would be a very silly thing to do.

so by what you have said above are you also in agreeance that when OP's brother moves back to the area that ex and her boyfriend wont need to visit the inlaws as brother will be there to take the children himself with his wife?

its not about whether they like him or not (from what has been said by OP he is a nice chap) its more to do with him either inviting himself or being invited by ex SIL - not by OP's parents. I find this incredibly rude!
if they were a proper family unit it may be more acceptable but they arent married, engaged or even live together.
I also find it rather rude that ex SIL doesnt (or rarely) return the dinner invitation to OP's parents.

elvis86

newcook wrote: »

so by what you have said above are you also in agreeance that when OP's brother moves back to the area that ex and her boyfriend wont need to visit the inlaws as brother will be there to take the children himself with his wife?

I don't know the dynamics of the family involved, but unless the ex-DIL is that close to her ex in-laws, then yes, I would imagine that if the OP's brother moved back to the area, he would start taking his kids to see his parents and she would no longer need to.

Having said that though, if the ex-DIL really does value her relationship with her ex in-laws, isn't just doing this out of "duty", and wants to continue seeing them socially, then that's hardly a bad thing is it?! I actually think that can only be beneficial for the kids, and it would be quite mean-spirited of the OP's parents to reject her by rejecting her partner.

If the children's parents have come to an amicable arrangement that suits them and benefits their children, it's not the place of the extended family to interfere with that, and I'd be very angry if mine did.

newcook wrote: »

its not about whether they like him or not (from what has been said by OP he is a nice chap) its more to do with him either inviting himself or being invited by ex SIL - not by OP's parents. I find this incredibly rude!
if they were a proper family unit it may be more acceptable but they arent married, engaged or even live together.
I also find it rather rude that ex SIL doesnt (or rarely) return the dinner invitation to OP's parents.

The ex-DIL is doing the grandparents a favour, we don't know exactly how it came about that her partner started joining them, for all we know the granparents invited him once and the DIL has assumed that this means it's okay for him to join them. It may fit well with their routine for him to be there too. Regardless, I'm sure the price of dinner once a week is well worth being so close to their grandchildren.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

Having said that though, if the ex-DIL really does value her relationship with her ex in-laws, isn't just doing this out of "duty", and wants to continue seeing them socially, then that's hardly a bad thing is it?! I actually think that can only be beneficial for the kids, and it would be quite mean-spirited of the OP's parents to reject her by rejecting her partner.

its not a bad thing at all - it may be that the brother wants to keep in touch with his ex inlaws which is why I asked how ex would feel about it, if she would find it odd.

elvis86 wrote: »

The ex-DIL is doing the grandparents a favour, we don't know exactly how it came about that her partner started joining them, for all we know the granparents invited him once and the DIL has assumed that this means it's okay for him to join them. It may fit well with their routine for him to be there too. Regardless, I'm sure the price of dinner once a week is well worth being so close to their grandchildren.

but should they really be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home because of an uninvited dinner guest? if they were married or living together I could understand his/her reasons for him to be there and I would probably agree with you but they aren’t so he really has no reason to be there

BugglyB

newcook wrote: »

but should they really be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home because of an uninvited dinner guest? if they were married or living together I could understand his/her reasons for him to be there and I would probably agree with you but they aren’t so he really has no reason to be there

Oh no, we're back to this unwritten 'social unit rule' aren't we

Some might say with young children its probably not best to rush into marriage, enagagement or living together, especially if the children have attachment issues - the girls need their mother, not a replacement dad!

Amanda65

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But the ex DIL is the mother of their grandchildren, which the new DIL isn't. That seems to cancel things out pretty well.

Hmm think we will have to agree to disagree here as the OP's brother is actually blood related to his parents whereas neither the ex SIL or her new partner are.

At the end of the day, as I've said before. it's about keeping lines of communication open and hopefully the OP's parents can find a compromise that they are happy with

newcook

BugglyB wrote: »

Oh no, we're back to this unwritten 'social unit rule' aren't we

Some might say with young children its probably not best to rush into marriage, enagagement or living together, especially if the children have attachment issues - the girls need their mother, not a replacement dad!

They aren’t all that young though are they? I thought OP said one was due to start secondary school next year.
Its not necessarily an unwritten social unit rule – if she wants to take him to her folks with the kids then go for it, he is after all her boyfriend. But he has no place or need to be with the ex inlaws as he is after all just her boyfriend (nothing at all to do with the family at all really).

lostinrates

newcook wrote: »

But he has no place or need to be with the ex inlaws as he is after all just her boyfriend (nothing at all to do with the family at all really).

Hang on, to the kids (as with their father's new GF) he could well be to them 'a parent' in time. Some one they love, turn to, ask for help, speak rudely to, share iportant life events with.

It would be ideal if, when neeed HE could call the grandparents and dad/dad's GF to share concerns, joy, affection about the people they all may well love dearly.


My suggestion might be, to ease pressure on the parents, if everyone keeps gettig on so well, perhaps they could think whether making it a bigger faily meal....with all the parents and aunts etc, taking turns weekly at every ones house, so every one sees each other as much, talks, keeps things friendly, but noone gets landed with the responsibility for ll the hosting. It would take some very special and patient people....new partners and etended family both, to make this work.

podperson

I understand you might feel a little strange about it but your ex-SIL is making a big effort to make sure the children still see their grandparents on a regular basis and I don't think it's unfair for her to expect there to be a little bit of effort in return and for them to welcome her new partner as well. Whether they are married or living together or not yet then (and it sounds like she's being very sensible and not rushing into that) if, as you say, he is around for the long haul then all of you are going to be a part of the children's family - so it benefits them hugely for everyone to get along.

Did the ex-SIL invite him along herself or did she perhaps mention he would be with them and your parents said it would be ok if he came along. We don't know their family routine, perhaps the partner usually spends the day with them and would therefore have to 'go home' for a few hours on his own otherwise. At the end of the day you said he's a nice guy, he's not 'replacing' your brother, he didn't push him out - they had broken up well before he got together with your SIL and your brother has also moved on and got married. Try and concentrate on what's going to make life easier for the children.

newcook

lostinrates wrote: »

Hang on, to the kids (as with their father's new GF) he could well be to them 'a parent' in time. Some one they love, turn to, ask for help, speak rudely to, share iportant life events with.

in time, yes - he could be a parent to them but at the minute he is moms boyfriend who lives elsewhere. if ex DIL wants her ex inlaws to get to know him (which as I have said before – its great that all the adults get along) surely she should invite the grandparents over for dinner when boyfriend will be there, not invite boyfriend for dinner to someone elses house and make them feel uncomfortable?!

The dad has re-married.

elvis86

newcook wrote: »

Its not necessarily an unwritten social unit rule – if she wants to take him to her folks with the kids then go for it, he is after all her boyfriend. But he has no place or need to be with the ex inlaws as he is after all just her boyfriend (nothing at all to do with the family at all really).

Strictly speaking, the ex-DIL is "nothing at all to do with the family" any more, being divorced from the children's father. However, she is doing her ex and the paternal grandparents a favour by facilitating regular weekly contact between the grandparents and the kids, whilst the father is living an hour away and is therefore unable to do so.

If it suits the ex-DIL and her partner for him to be present, and the grandparents have no problem with the guy, it would be churlish of them to object and may only result in the ex-DIL (quite reasonably) stating that the children's father will have to facilitate this contact in the future.

Stricly speaking, it is up to the children's father to ensure that his parents get to spend time with the kids. But in his absence, this sounds like a lovely arrangement and I can't believe that anyone would chastise the ex-DIL.