Just out of interest......

[Deleted User]

Sorry make me wise if its confusing. I do already see my parents on a regular basis as i live around the corner and they often drop in for a cuppa or vice versa. I often have my parents around for a meal and we are quite close. Once a week is too often for me, but its when its suits us all.

I don't think i'm envious as i wouldn't want to be a weekly arrangement, but another poster seemed to get it by saying if my parents aren't 100% happy then in the future maybe it could be adapted to suit all concerned.

Anyway, thanks all for posting, its food for thought and thanks for helping me see it better from all angles.

elvis86

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I think the OP's right to feel that the arrangement is a 'bit off'.

My main reason for agreeing with her is that her parents feel uncomfortable and don't like it - but they are stuck with it and feel that they have to keep doing it. In their position I'd be really hacked off.

They may have very complex and conflicting emotions about the break-up of the marriage and the new relationships. The OP alludes to the feelings of disloyalty and the feeling that the imposition of the gooseberry boyfriend is all wrong and a step too far for them.

It's going to be difficult to extricate themselves from the obligation to host a dinner for the new family unit.

Have they thought about changing the routine? You know the kind of thing - asking if the grandchildren could sleep-over once in a while; or changing the day so that it's awkward for the gooseberry to impose himself on them?

If they don't like the set-up, I feel that they shouldn't have to lump it - but it might be the price they have to pay for seeing their grandchildren.

Very sad - I wish them luck.

Kay_Peel wrote: »

While I think its great that everyone is getting along, I do think the ex SIL and boyfriend are taking the mick!

It would be different if your mom had said to ex SIL ‘you are here every other weds (for example) for a bite to eat and a natter and your OH picks you up at 7, why not have him come at 6 and eat with us?’

instead it seems that its ex SIL who has invited her OH for dinner. Does the girl have no shame?!?!

I have to say that I agree with the majority of posters, and completely disagree with these opinions.

By the sounds of it, the grandparents are incredibly lucky that their ex-DIL is making the effort to maintain weekly contact between them and their grandchildren (especially as the OP has stated that her brother lives an hour away, and that the family see more of the children with the ex-DIL than they do with their father). Presumably the alternative would mean seeing the children far less often?

The presence of the ex-DIL's partner (who, by the OP's own admission, is a nice enough guy who nobody in the family has a problem with), is a tiny price to pay for regular contact with their grandchildren. I would urge them not to risk this by making a fuss about him being there.

Aside from the fact that neither we nor the OP know how her brother feels about this (he may be completely happy with the situation, and annoyed with his family if they interfere and make things difficult), think about this from the ex-DIL's POV. She and her ex have managed to have an amicable split, and she's making the effort, in her ex's absence, to maintain weekly contact between his parents and their children.

If the family then start making life difficult for her because they object to her new partner being present, she would have every right to say "Well, I'm sorry that you feel like that, but from now on your son will have to facilitate contact between you and the children". Grandparents would see children less often (by the sounds of it), and everyone loses out.

These children are incredibly lucky, and I only hope that the adults involved continue to be so reasonable and to put the needs of the children first.

How lovely to think that in the future, these girls won't have to dread (as so many people do) their parents and step-parents clashing at their special birthdays, graduations, weddings etc.

elvis86

Apologies, the second quoted post was from newcook.:o

paddy's_mum

Poor Grandma - caught between a rock and a hard place.

Rocking the boat is going to achieve nothing good for anyone so what cannot be changed must be endured.

Time goes on though and one day those children will be grown and that's when everyone will be thankful that they kept it buttoned!

euronorris

Deleted_User wrote: »

right now?.............it feels ex SIL and new partner are taking the p***

Whether they are or are not, is irrelevant really. It's how you parents deal with it, and what they decide that is relevant.

I understand that it's difficult for you, but as they are the ones accomodating them in this way, it is up to them to change the setup IF they want to. If they prefer to keep things this way, for fear of 'rocking the boat', then so be it. It's their choice.

I don't think you should feel disloyal to your brother either. Presumably, he's aware of the setup, and if he has a problem with it he's free to raise it as an issue and look to resolve it between himself and your parents. However, much like your parents, I expect he doesn't want to 'rock the boat'.

And lastly, yeah, your parents could see the kids separately from your ex-SIL, but this setup is much, much nicer for the kids, and I do feel that the focus should be on them.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

I have to say that I agree with the majority of posters, and completely disagree with these opinions.

By the sounds of it, the grandparents are incredibly lucky that their ex-DIL is making the effort to maintain weekly contact between them and their grandchildren (especially as the OP has stated that her brother lives an hour away, and that the family see more of the children with the ex-DIL than they do with their father). Presumably the alternative would mean seeing the children far less often?

The presence of the ex-DIL's partner (who, by the OP's own admission, is a nice enough guy who nobody in the family has a problem with), is a tiny price to pay for regular contact with their grandchildren. I would urge them not to risk this by making a fuss about him being there.

Aside from the fact that neither we nor the OP know how her brother feels about this (he may be completely happy with the situation, and annoyed with his family if they interfere and make things difficult), think about this from the ex-DIL's POV. She and her ex have managed to have an amicable split, and she's making the effort, in her ex's absence, to maintain weekly contact between his parents and their children.

If the family then start making life difficult for her because they object to her new partner being present, she would have every right to say "Well, I'm sorry that you feel like that, but from now on your son will have to facilitate contact between you and the children". Grandparents would see children less often (by the sounds of it), and everyone loses out.

These children are incredibly lucky, and I only hope that the adults involved continue to be so reasonable and to put the needs of the children first.

How lovely to think that in the future, these girls won't have to dread (as so many people do) their parents and step-parents clashing at their special birthdays, graduations, weddings etc.

dont get me wrong, I think its great that the adults all get along - I just dont agree with the ex DIL inviting someone else for dinner at someone elses house on a regular basis (and that would go for any adult, not just her boyfriend). its rather rude IMO - it would be different if MIL invited him but from the sounds of it she hasnt but doesnt want to rock the boat by saying anything.

OP, would ex SIL have a problem if it was your brother and his wife visiting her parents for dinner with the kids or would she think it a little odd?!

Oldernotwiser

Amanda65 wrote: »

I think the difference is that these are HIS parents!

But the ex DIL is the mother of their grandchildren, which the new DIL isn't. That seems to cancel things out pretty well.

BitterAndTwisted

I think the OP is entitled to feel any way she likes. But it's not really any of her business. If the parents are unhappy about the arrangement then it's up to them to do something about it. Everyone else should keep their opinions to themselves.

Having a partner visit with the ex-SIL doesn't mean that the brother is being neglected or pushed out. He's just been replaced. He's got his own replacement, so someone outside of those relationships being resentful about it is just daft. Or maybe just looking for a reason to be unhappy.

elvis86

newcook wrote: »

dont get me wrong, I think its great that the adults all get along - I just dont agree with the ex DIL inviting someone else for dinner at someone elses house on a regular basis (and that would go for any adult, not just her boyfriend). its rather rude IMO - it would be different if MIL invited him but from the sounds of it she hasnt but doesnt want to rock the boat by saying anything.

OP, would ex SIL have a problem if it was your brother and his wife visiting her parents for dinner with the kids or would she think it a little odd?!

This isn't particularly relevant, though. I imagine that if the ex-SIL is on good terms with her own parents and lives close to them, they will see a lot of the grandchildren anyway. There would be no need for the OP's brother to facilitate contact between the maternal grandparents and the kids.

The key point her is that the ex-SIL is inconveniencing herself (to a degree) to allow her ex's parents regular access to their grandchildren. Access which they probably wouldn't get so regularly if left to their son, as he lives an hour away.

For them to jeopordise this mutually beneficial arrangement because they object to the ex-SIL's new partner (who they have no issues with) being present, would be a very silly thing to do.

BugglyB

Completely agree elvis.

For all we know, the childrens mum could be saying to herself, oh I hate having to do this every week, I'd much rather be at home, but its for the childrens sake, and at least John comes with me.

For the sake of one plate of food its not worth rocking the boat!