Just out of interest......

balletshoes

OP how about this - how long was it before your mum was okay with your OH being around for invited meals, before you were married? Before the "good 2 years" mark?
Would your mum feel differently about your ex SILs partner if they were married, living together? Because if they've been together for over 2 years, isn't that a committed relationship they're in?

However your mum feels about it, its not up to you to approach your ex SIL about it. It sounds like your mum just likes to keep the peace as you say, and so she probably will continue to keep the peace.

[Deleted User]

you know peachyprice on an independent level, i can see exactly your point of view...........

on a related one, I can understand it...............

right now?.............it feels ex SIL and new partner are taking the p***

Maybe i'm over tired and unobjective. Its not that i'm unwilling to spend time with this new family setup, its just i feel its disloyal to my brother. Due to logistics I now tend to see more of my neices in this set up than with my bro and his new wife.

Does that make sense more?

balletshoes

Deleted_User wrote: »

I also think i should add to start with the time was just with my SIL and neices and this was fine with everyone, even though it was always one sided and rare offers of a meal in return to meal. Then ex SIL new partner started coming around to my parents house and gradually became more regular. Now and again, not often but more frequently than before my parents would get a return invite. But they have said they feel, as i do, its to maintain contact for the girls sake.

I often wonder if there were no children involved "would they be in contact?" Probably not, so why can't my parents maintain contact with the girls independent of my ex SIL new partner. My parents are not responsible for the new set up.

Oh i'm probably digging a hole now and dragging myself further in.

you're probably quite right - if your ex SIL didn't have your mum's grandchildren, they might not have kept in contact at all. But I really don't see it as a problem, that your ex SIL, her partner, and the children go see your mum. If its the meals thats a hassle for her, could she just invite them round for a visit or a sandwich tea instead?

Amanda65

As the girls are older, would it be possible for your Mum and Dad to suggest that in the new year maybe they just come round for the tea, using the excuse that it would give ex SIL and her OH some time on their own and also help your parents build a relationship just with their grandaughters?

I think it is a lovely thing to do, but if it is worrying your Mum, needs addressing.

[Deleted User]

Balletshoes, whilst i appreciate your point, its not quite the same. My husband isn't replacing anyone, my ex SIL partner feels like he's replacing my brother. My SIL continues to see my parents with her children and now taking her partner along (who doesn't live with them, isn't engaged or at present planning on moving in).

And i guess as i met my husband when my brother's youngest was only 8m's old, its kind of irrelevant as my DH has formed a relationship with my parents independent of my brothers family.

That's my take, but please feel free to offer other opinions or objectives as to agree with me would make my hole deeper!!!

[Deleted User]

Amanda that thought has crossed my mind and possibly my parents, but the girls do display "clingyness" to their mother, understandably and i know they would prefer it for their mother to be there for the time being. I'm unsure of the last time my parents had direct 1:1 contact with the girls, but i could be wrong about that.

I think they don't know where their loyalties lie, their father, mother, step mother, possible step father, grandparents. So to keep the peace we all just rub along and keep our feelings to ourselves.

Oh well, seeing as i've offered to do a Christmas eve buffet tea for my ex SIL, partner, girls, my parents and my family at our house i'm keeping the peace too. Its the girls we do it for, plus my two love spending time with their cousins, another reason why we put up and shut up. The girls are going to their dad's for boxing day. But part of me thinks why cant i see my brother and his wife and my neices on Christmas eve. But the last 2 years its been this way. I hate tradition and next year i'll start a new one.

Remember who are the grown ups.....!!! LOL

zorro10

it sounds great. why not get onboard?

balletshoes

Deleted_User wrote: »

Amanda that thought has crossed my mind and possibly my parents, but the girls do display "clingyness" to their mother, understandably and i know they would prefer it for their mother to be there for the time being. I'm unsure of the last time my parents had direct 1:1 contact with the girls, but i could be wrong about that.

I think they don't know where their loyalties lie, their father, mother, step mother, possible step father, grandparents. So to keep the peace we all just rub along and keep our feelings to ourselves.

Oh well, seeing as i've offered to do a Christmas eve buffet tea for my ex SIL, partner, girls, my parents and my family at our house i'm keeping the peace too. Its the girls we do it for, plus my two love spending time with their cousins, another reason why we put up and shut up. The girls are going to their dad's for boxing day.
But part of me thinks why cant i see my brother and his wife and my neices on Christmas eve. But the last 2 years its been this way. I hate tradition and next year i'll start a new one.

Remember who are the grown ups.....!!! LOL

unfortunately thats the way things often are when there are divorced parents involved - you make the most of it. My niece will spend some of Christmas with us, and some with her Mum's family - its whats right for her that matters.

You know you should be proud of your brother, your parents, and yourself, you are all doing absolutely the right thing for the kids .

Person_one

Think of the girls.

Whenever you're finding it hard, think of the girls.

Your brother has moved on too and is in a happy relationship, so its not like she's rubbing his face in it. You could equally say that your brother's new partner is a replacement for the girl's mum, but that's just not how it is, is it?

Stop thinking of the new people as replacements, and start thinking of them as additions. Loving families who care about each other's happiness can stretch to accommodate everybody.

[Deleted User]

Person_one wrote: »

Stop thinking of the new people as replacements, and start thinking of them as additions. Loving families who care about each other's happiness can stretch to accommodate everybody.

That is a very valid point, hard but totally true. Thanks for reminding me of that.

But on a childish note, next year when my brother is back living in the same town as the rest of us, there should be no reason not to see him on either xmas even or boxing day with his girls and wife.

Incidentally my DH has just read this and questioned why i feel my last comment is childish.

I said its because it feels a bit, "Ner, ner, nee ner, ner!!!!".

And it probably is!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: