Just out of interest......

[Deleted User]

Lastly thanks for pointing out things and for being objective as i requested. I did wonder if it would turn into different thread or get nasty like a lot of these threads do, so thanks everyone, so far, for posting supportively.

loracan1

Deleted_User wrote: »

Oh well, seeing as i've offered to do a Christmas eve buffet tea for my ex SIL, partner, girls, my parents and my family at our house i'm keeping the peace too. Its the girls we do it for, plus my two love spending time with their cousins, another reason why we put up and shut up. The girls are going to their dad's for boxing day. But part of me thinks why cant i see my brother and his wife and my neices on Christmas eve. But the last 2 years its been this way. I hate tradition and next year i'll start a new one.

Remember who are the grown ups.....!!! LOL

How are things between your brother and ex s-i-l, do you not think you could invite them both?
From my perspective, I've now been round to my ex's and his girlfriends a few times at Christmas and birthdays (our sons' birthdays not mine or his) It's taken a few years to get to that point but the lads love that we can do that.

GracieP

My uncle and his ex wife divorced when their girls were young and his relationship with his daughters suffered as a result but my grandmother's relationship with her grand-daughters became non-existent, as neither parent bothered about keep her relationship with them alive. She struggled for years to keep her relationship with them together but it just never happened. I know it's one of the things that has hurt her most in her life. Last year one of the now adult girls came to a family funeral and my grandmother didn't have clue who she was, it made what was an incredibly upsetting time even worse when she was told who she'd just been talking to.

If someone could wave a magic wand and fix it so that her ex-dil came for a visit once a week with my two cousins when they were younger she wouldn't care if satan, Pol Pot and Kim Jong Il came along with them and scoffed all the cake, nevermind the person the ex-dil was in a relationship with. Having a chance to maintain that relationship is utterly priceless and I sincerely respect your ex-sil and her partner for recognising that and working at maintaining it.

Kay_Peel

I think the OP's right to feel that the arrangement is a 'bit off'.

My main reason for agreeing with her is that her parents feel uncomfortable and don't like it - but they are stuck with it and feel that they have to keep doing it. In their position I'd be really hacked off.

They may have very complex and conflicting emotions about the break-up of the marriage and the new relationships. The OP alludes to the feelings of disloyalty and the feeling that the imposition of the gooseberry boyfriend is all wrong and a step too far for them.

It's going to be difficult to extricate themselves from the obligation to host a dinner for the new family unit.

Have they thought about changing the routine? You know the kind of thing - asking if the grandchildren could sleep-over once in a while; or changing the day so that it's awkward for the gooseberry to impose himself on them?

If they don't like the set-up, I feel that they shouldn't have to lump it - but it might be the price they have to pay for seeing their grandchildren.

Very sad - I wish them luck.

neverdespairgirl

Deleted_User wrote: »

Balletshoes, whilst i appreciate your point, its not quite the same. My husband isn't replacing anyone, my ex SIL partner feels like he's replacing my brother. My SIL continues to see my parents with her children and now taking her partner along (who doesn't live with them, isn't engaged or at present planning on moving in).

But new partner isn't replacing your brother, really, is he?

Your brother is married to someone else altogether. Presumably, there's no real prospect of your brother and your ex SIL having dinner with your parents, so it's either SIL + daughters or SIL + OH + daughters.

It sounds as if your brother and his ex are doing their absolute best to minimise tension and promote family relationships. Taking the children weekly to see their grandparents is pretty rare for an ex, I'd have thought. Normally, it's grandparents feeling that they've lost contact and relationships with grandchildren after a split.

Caroline73_2

Maybe your ex SIL feels a bit uncomfortable at your parents so likes her partner for a bit of moral support. Perhaps she feels like an outsider but is so determined to make sure the children visit that the only way she can manage is to bring him along.

Or

Maybe she is so comfortable with your parents that she just doesn't see it as an issue. maybe its just natural for her. You'd have to drag me through hell to go to my ex MILs house! I can't imagine ever going for my dinner there.

Or

Perhaps your nieces have asked for them both to go.

Please be happy that everyone is amicable. My son has a half sister he never sees because of petty jealous about ex partners, it breaks my heart. I tried for ages to keep them in contact but it just couldn't work. (ex had a baby with someone else after we divorced, ex then left her for someone else.)

zzzLazyDaisy

I do have to say that from a grandparent's view, keeping in touch with the grandchildren after the parents separate is a high priority. If the children live with the DIL, then getting on well with her is usually also a high priority.

When my son and his wife separated she became PWC of their two young children, I understood that things were not always easy for her, having raised my son on my own. I didn't always approve of her choice of new partners - but the point was they were her choice and she had a life to continue living.

She later married again and moved away. She could have wanted to start a whole new life and could have so easily made it difficult for me to maintain a relationship with my grandchildren. In fact we both wanted what was best for the children, and over time she has become the daughter I never had... and I am blessed with two more grandchildren from her second marriage, and a new 'son-in-law' who has welcomed me into their family.

Modern relationships are complicated, try to relax and go with the flow x

Lunar_Eclipse

Caroline73 wrote: »

Maybe your ex SIL feels a bit uncomfortable at your parents so likes her partner for a bit of moral support. Perhaps she feels like an outsider but is so determined to make sure the children visit that the only way she can manage is to bring him along..)

This thought crossed my mind. I also wondered if the girls' clingyness to your ex SIL was a factor in his presence. They're quite old to be clingy (I have 10 & an 11 year old DDs) so it's possible that they're feeling insecure and/or aren't happy with the set-up either but your ex SIL is doing a great job in maintaining contact with your parents.

I understand your feelings completely, but think this is all great for your nieces. Your ex SIL is effectively their gatekeeper and I think it's admirable that she/they have weekly contact with your parents. How many biological parents do that for their parents & grandchildren? (Yes, she gets a 'free' meal, but perhaps it would be more difficult all round if there wasn't a meal to kill some time and she also had to feed her kids before/after visiting your parents. Life's so busy!)

newcook

While I think its great that everyone is getting along, I do think the ex SIL and boyfriend are taking the mick!

It would be different if your mom had said to ex SIL ‘you are here every other weds (for example) for a bite to eat and a natter and your OH picks you up at 7, why not have him come at 6 and eat with us?’

instead it seems that its ex SIL who has invited her OH for dinner. Does the girl have no shame?!?!

Family celebrations or funerals or days out are fine for her to invite him to but to invite him to dinner at her ex inlaws when they haven’t said to invite him is taking the pee!

BugglyB

There is that old cliche - you can't control what happens, you can only control your reaction to it.

All you can do is support your mum in whatever she wants to do. Try and be calm and rational and help her mull through the options if she raises it with you again.