Just out of interest......

nearlyrich

I used to take my children to see my ex MIL and my now DH came with us, her son didn't bother so if I hadn't she wouldn't know them.

katerinasol

Even if it's not a standard arrangement, that doesn't make it a bad one.

determined_new_ms

I still have regular contact with my ex mil. After I split up with my ex I maintained a relationship with her through the years. My children are now 18 & 19 and I have another partner and we are spending xmas with my ex-mil. Families have all sorts of make up. I see her as part of my family & if I have another child with my oh then she would be seen as a grandmother

newyearnewme_2

I know you have said your mum feels uncomfortable and you feel that your brother is being pushed out but how does your brother feel? As your mum may feel the same as you and that is why she is uncomfortable but if your brother is fine/really happy with the ex sil and new bloke going there, you may find that your relaxes.

Oldernotwiser

When your brother moves back to the area, would you expect him to see your parents on his own or will it be ok for him to take his new wife?

If the latter, how is this much different from what your SIL is doing?

flutterby_lil

Can your mum not arrange to pick the girls up from school every other week and say things are just getting a bit much now (not sure how old she is, can she use age as an excuse) and just have them for their tea and drop them off back home with your ex SIL?

Amanda65

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

When your brother moves back to the area, would you expect him to see your parents on his own or will it be ok for him to take his new wife?

If the latter, how is this much different from what your SIL is doing?

I think the difference is that these are HIS parents!

Another poster has already suggested what I was going to say - is there a possibility of your brother and new SIL being with you all at Christmas as well?

I think if I were your parents, I would start the new year by trying to build a relationship of their own with the girls, maybe starting with an afternoon out or similar so there's not so much pressure to 'sit and chat' and take it from there. Or could you have them round to you for tea, with your parents a few times just to break the cycle. Maybe ex SIL would like a change but doesn't know how to bring it up without sounding like she is trying to keep her daughters away from your side of the family.

Ultimately though, if the arrangement means your parents have a good and building relationship with their GD's and you with your nieces, perhaps you're all just going to have to live with it - it wil be worth it I am sure.

Seanymph

I get it, totally - yet my ex MIL moved in with me, lived with me for four years, and is still close to me. Her son's 'new' g/f and her have no relationship. In fact, her and her son have little contact. But she still has her grandchildren very much in her life.

So, in the absence of your son facilitating her contact, I can see how your mum would directly contact the ex SIL and maintain it, but I don't understand the SIL thrusting the new man into the frame.

I last took my eldest to visit granny five days ago - we took her out to lunch. I didn't take my partner with me.

Is it possible for granny to say that she'd like special time with her grandkids, and will happily 'sit and provide dinner' so your ex SIL and her new fella can have an unencumbered trip to B and Q or the pictures or something once a week? I know I'd have loved it that way? It may be that the ex SIL feels awkward, but thinks your mum wants them all there to play happy families.

I too would feel difficult about it in your shoes. There is smiling and saying the right things at events (I have one next week and still cant' decide whether or not to go) - and there is really being far too cosy for comfort.

It's perfectly possible for the lovely situation for the children to be preserved, for everyone to be getting on like a house on fire, and for the kids to be cossetted by an amiable family WITHOUT this guy being involved in a weekly dinner date with his new wifes ex inlaws.

[Deleted User]

Sorry a lot of questions and not much time. I'll try to be to the point.

No to having a family dinner with both my brother, new SIL, ex SIL and partner on a regular basis, whilst communications are ok its not something they would want to do. I am wondering if my SIL just hasn't thought it isn't ok for her partner to come around as he is part of their lives. she is on good terms with my parents who tried to be supportive to her as well as my bro during the split. She says she actually feels she gets on better with me and my parents since their divorce as she can talk freely about stuff.

Lots of people have made some good points, family is important. I know my mum doesn't want to rock the boat by upsetting ex SIL so i don't think she would say anything to her about it, its a tricky one. I'll suggest in the new year or once the youngest starts secondary school that the routine changes.

I think the girls are clingyier than normal due to the divorce, then remarriage and having two new people in their lives. The eldest has always been emotionally clingy to her mum especially when younger. I remember her coming to me for a sleep over once about 2-3 years ago and in the end my brother had to come and collect her about 11pm as she was upset. I think its partly personality. Having said that despite worrying about a school residential trip, she did go and was ok.

I digress. I'm unsure how my brother feels about it as i haven't felt it my place to ask, i kind of feel trapped in the middle and can see the situation from all sides. I guess it would be easier to sort out if the ex sil partner wasn't a friendly chap, but he seems ok, the girls seem to like him and i've seen rough/tumble play and affection towards him, so they must feel quite happy having him around.

Families eh?

make_me_wise

All that matters is what is best for the kids. If it were just your ex sil and the kids going round to your mums then you would be pleased. Your parents are just accomodating an extra person who is a very big part of their grandchildrens lives. It may seem odd to the kids if he were to be left out.

I found your post a bit confusing to be honest. At the start of it you were explaining the new family dynamics and acknowledging how good it is for the kids. Towards the end of the post you did come across as being envious of the arrangements with your parents. If everyone else is happy with this set up, including your brother, then I think you need to move on from it. Maybe suggest to your mum that you and your family go over or they come to you and share a meal. Once a week may be a bit to often, but you could work something out that suits you all.