Just out of interest......

[Deleted User]

..........how would you feel, as i'm not sure how i should feel and if what i do feel is reasonable.

My brother met his wife well over 15 years ago, their eldest is nearly 13 and youngest is 10.5 years.

They seperated 3 years ago and my brother remarried in July this year.

He still has lots of contact with his kids and my ex SIL has been with a new partner for a good 2 years equally. Both sides are emicable for the children's sake and both new partners see each other when they have to and behave appropriately and friendly enough to keep the peace and for the kids sake.

As far as i can tell, the children adore their new step mum, which at times i gather is hard for my ex SIL to hear, see and acknoweldge. Equally i see the children pay attention to my ex SIL new partner and enjoy spending time in his company.

I think its great for the children that the new partners are accept and no animosity created.

However this is my sticking point. Feel free to be honest as i'm unsure...

My parents over the last few years have as much as they can on a weekly basis had my SIL and their grand children over after school for dinner and spend time with the children. As my parents go away a lot this varies but when they are home, my mum cooks a lovely meal and catches up with them. Obv my brother no longer partakes in this.

However over the last 6 months my SIL new partner has started coming around for the meal as part of the set up. I do find this rather strange as the idea of this arrangement was for my parents to keep in regular contact with my brother's children. On some level i feel this is disloyal to my brother and on another level i feel a tad put out. My children, husband and I dont go around to my parents for a weekly meal, get fed and waited on, so why should this new partner of my ex SIL?

I should also add that he actually is here to stay, an ok chap and is part of my neices lives, so i accept him and he is part of my ex SIL and neices family now. They also live a short distance from my parents so are in easy contact, as are me and my family.

My brother is hoping to move back to the town we all live in but currently 1 hr drive away, fingers crossed this is changing over the coming weeks.

Someone please tell me that either i'm being un necessarily jealous, reasonable in a necessary way or just plain stupid in understanding the way families are now made up and prioritised.

:mad:

Person_one

I think its absolutely wonderful that most of the adults in this situation are able to get along and provide a loving environment free of conflict and tension for the children.

Now all that's left is for you to get on board.

balletshoes

I can see why your ex SIL would think its okay for her partner to join her and the kids at their grandparents for a meal - they are as you say a stable couple, so he's part and parcel of that isn't he? I can also understand why you feel weird about it (him kind of taking your brothers place at the table sort of thing). Not so sure I understand the "we don't get fed and watered at my Mum's as much as he does" though. I wouldn't grudge that, its your parent's decision, and you're right, its to keep in regular and amicable contact with their grandchildren.

lostinrates

it sounds wonderful. I can't help thinking how great it would be for the kids and family (four he four adults now in parenting role) if this could be something they all attended and got on really well at in the future....along with aunt and her family. Its really great to hear of a fmily working at making the ''new shape'' work. I can see why its hard for you, but imagine how much eaier for the kids, and hopefully, the parents if things can be mutually supportive and friendly.

Alikay

I think it's lovely for the children that everyone gets on so well.

rinabean

I'd feel the same way you do, especially if I were your brother and not you. But it's still unreasonable. They're doing nothing wrong - it's good for everyone involved, especially the children, and it's not actively bad to anyone else. Your parents not having you around is a separate issue. If you want to see them more, invite them around - maybe they just can't afford to have anyone else over. If you're just being jealous, again, I understand, but it's immature and you should try to realise that.

loracan1

If it's still a relatively new thing you'll get used to the idea - I take it your parents are happy to have him along?

zzzLazyDaisy

Your feelings are understandable, but not reasonable. You need to separate out your feelings about your relationship with your parents and if you are not happy with things, then do something about it! But as far as SIL and her partner are concerned, it seems everyone is willing to put aside the past in order to keep relationships stable for the children... that is a good thing, isn't it?

I am sending you a hug because this is obviously a difficult area for you, so I hope you are able to resolve it to your satisfaction xxx

[Deleted User]

Maybe i should add my parents find it weird and go along with it to keep the peace. They didnt have much input with the girls in their formative years, so i guess in the last 5-6 have been trying to make up for that. There have been at times situations where they've gone along with decisions from the parents or bad behaviour from the children that they wouldn't have normally accepted just to keep the peace.

In fact my Mum has said to me that she is no overly happy about the situation, after all its her son who's being replaced, but she goes along with it to keep the peace. After all the point of it all is to try keep the bond with her grandchildren. I, her and at times my dad just don't know why it has to involve new partners when they aren't living together or married. He is no direct link to them.

I feel my brother has been unintentionally pushed out due to distance, location and convenience.

I guess the meal thing isn't the sticking point as such its the priority of what its for, if you see what i mean.

My parents cook the meal and make time to spend with their grandchildren.

If it wasn't for the fact that its none of my direct business I would approach my ex SIL, but as its not i feel i can't get too involved.

Oh I dont know.............

peachyprice

Well done to your mum for keeping a relationship with your SIL and welcoming her new partner to the family.

[Deleted User]

I also think i should add to start with the time was just with my SIL and neices and this was fine with everyone, even though it was always one sided and rare offers of a meal in return to meal. Then ex SIL new partner started coming around to my parents house and gradually became more regular. Now and again, not often but more frequently than before my parents would get a return invite. But they have said they feel, as i do, its to maintain contact for the girls sake.

I often wonder if there were no children involved "would they be in contact?" Probably not, so why can't my parents maintain contact with the girls independent of my ex SIL new partner. My parents are not responsible for the new set up.

Oh i'm probably digging a hole now and dragging myself further in.