Should I invite parents for Xmas?

POPPYOSCAR

I took it that mum and dad made arrangements to go out for dinner without consulting with them and asking if they would like to go as well.

It comes across to me that the Op feels like she is being used because her mum will be hard pushed to cook the dinner after she has been working and that is the only reason for her wanting to go to her.

Would I invite them? Probably yes, but that would depend on my relationship with them as a whole and the wishes of my OH.

dirtysexymonkey

newcook wrote: »

apologies - I thought you were saying I misunderstood the OP not your reasons to lableling her selfish.

as for the rest - she didnt ignore her last xmas, she chose to do something different (or do you class chosing to do something different for xmas dinner as ignoring?) OP doesnt say that they didnt go round xmas eve or even that they didnt pop in xmas morning - I see nothing to suggest that they were ignored.

the op said that they chose to spend xmas day and boxing day without them without giving them a second thought.

which is fine but its rather at odds with the idea that the daughter should be forced to accommodate her parents whenever they want. the op has posted asking for advice and shes been told that because her mother gave birth to her, that she is obligated to do what her mothers wants.

the two things jar for me - why does the mother get to decide to do something for herself, but the daughter not have the same choice?

notakid

I thought that was Xmas was about sharing the time with family making sure everyone is included and no one left out, even if its only one day of the year. You know Goodwill to all men.:cool:

We always had our mad smelly aunt come over, even if the house was crowded. She was so horrible that her own children didn't want anything to do with her, it didn't ruin our day, we could put up with her, it reminded the rest of us that we were lucky.

The same with with the mad uncle nowadays who has replaced her. The house is packed to the rafters as we all still go round my parents, (They want Xmas at their home) We all pitch in and help. I've never spent a Xmas just with my nuclear family, it wouldn't feel like Xmas!

dirtysexymonkey

elvis86 wrote: »

In that case, I would suggest that perhaps you have some issues that you need to deal with. Hinting for an invite to dinner does not constitute mind games and emotional manipulation.

Unless you're imagining this kind of hint coming from someone you know, where there is history of this kind of behaviour, in which case you're doing exactly what you've accused others of doing, and failing to recognise that the OP's family and situation isn't the same as your own.

She has offered no evidence that her mum is emotionally manipulative, so it's fair to assume that all her mum has done, is hint for an invite to Christmas dinner.;)

What makes you think this? You must be incredibly insightful, the only personal experience I have cited here is that I've dropped hints to my OH about things he could get me for Christmas, and even you yourself said:

If you read so much into a mum hinting for an invite to dinner at her daughter's house, I'd say you're anything but straightforward...

once again just because you dont consider something emotionally manipulative doesnt mean that it isnt, and vice versa for myself. i consider it to be emotionally manipulative to try and guilt trip someone into doing what you want them to do rather than just asking in a straightfoward manner.;)

neverdespairgirl

Badger_Lady wrote: »

It makes me very glad that I have such a lovely relationship with my parents. I wonder if it's a proximity thing? Because mine live in a different country, I appreciate every minute I get to spend with them. And in fact I can't see them every Christmas... this year I've angled for an invite at my Aunt's house in Northern England, where I know I'll be very welcome and have a wonderful time because, er, we're family!

Not in my case. My parents live 6 miles from us, and my Dad I work 90 seconds' walk from each other (-:

And I love spending time with my family, especially at Christmas.

Marisco

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

from reading them.

the ops family doesnt have any such traditions as your family has, or as my family has.

your family is not the ops family and your relationship with your parents is not the ops.

can you really not grasp that the op and you are two different people in two different situations and so the solutions may not be the same?

But nowhere does it say the op doesn't get on with her family!! TBH it sounds like the op is having a hissy fit, because she doesn't like some aspects of her mothers life!! If she doesn't want her parents there, then don't invite them! Simple as! Anything else is superflous, and unless she is going to share all aspects of their family dynamics, then all posters can do is post as they find/read!!

duchy

Wow -I started this thread wondering why it was such a big deal-Invite her if you want or don't and was wondering why the OP needed validation from strangers about what to decide............but now I just feel sorry for the OP's mother. She has a daughter who takes the smallest comment or most trivial incident and broods on it -like the dishwasher episode from several years ago (and yeah I was wondering why no-one else had washed up after dinner too) or the "free" turkey comment and then uses it as an excuse to throw their teddy in the corner-a husband incapable of putting a turkey in the oven -and a job that messes her around and a son in law who is mortally offended to be expected to help out in the kitchen over Christmas day. No wonder she's still working-she's probably saving for her run away from the lot of selfish beggers fund.

Oh and then we have the troll-trying to drag the disability card into the mix too !!! Well speaking as the single mum of a son with Aspergers -Oh and I'm also working part of Christmas day-there's nothing that sickens me more when people try to excuse the bad behavour of others by pulling the disability (or any other minority) card. Having a child with a disability is not an excuse for arrogence or selfishness or pettiness.

Even though I am working Christmas day -I'm lucky enough I can take the calls from home and can even sneak in the odd bit of turkey basting between calls and if I knew any family or friend was working the day I'd automatically invite them to dinner -just like any other year I'm cooking Christmas dinner-After all it's only a few more veg anyway-so what's the big deal ?

dirtysexymonkey

duchy wrote: »

Wow -I started this thread wondering why it was such a big deal-Invite her if you want or don't and was wondering why the OP needed validation from strangers about what to decide............but now I just feel sorry for the OP's mother. She has a daughter who takes the smallest comment or most trivial incident and broods on it -like the dishwasher episode from several years ago (and yeah I was wondering why no-one else had washed up after dinner too) or the "free" turkey comment and then uses it as an excuse to throw their teddy in the corner-a husband incapable of putting a turkey in the oven -and a job that messes her around and a son in law who is mortally offended to be expected to help out in the kitchen over Christmas day. No wonder she's still working-she's probably saving for her run away from the lot of selfish beggers fund.

Oh and then we have the troll-trying to drag the disability card into the mix too !!! Well speaking as the single mum of a son with Aspergers -Oh and I'm also working part of Christmas day-there's nothing that sickens me more when people try to excuse the bad behavour of others by pulling the disability (or any other minority) card. Having a child with a disability is not an excuse for arrogence or selfishness or pettiness.

what bad behaviour is this that im excusing? a daughter not being obligated to accommodate her mother on xmas day and do exactly what she wants, as her mother does?

and do evidence your claims that im a troll. and note that im not resorting to your level of personal insults, however tempted i am.;)

elvis86

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

once again just because you dont consider something emotionally manipulative doesnt mean that it isnt, and vice versa for myself. i consider it to be emotionally manipulative to try and guilt trip someone into doing what you want them to do rather than just asking in a straightfoward manner.;)

And the part about me playing games..?

Presumably by your logic, anyone who doesn't consider dropping a hint to be tantamount to mind games and emotional manipluation, is guilty of these things themselves? I can't think of any other way in which you might reach the conclusion that I personally play mind games. *baffled*

dirtysexymonkey

Marisco wrote: »

But nowhere does it say the op doesn't get on with her family!! TBH it sounds like the op is having a hissy fit, because she doesn't like some aspects of her mothers life!! If she doesn't want her parents there, then don't invite them! Simple as! Anything else is superflous, and unless she is going to share all aspects of their family dynamics, then all posters can do is post as they find/read!!

im pretty sure thats exactly what i said. im glad we agree.:D