Problem with sons father.

Justie

it sounds like there are two issues here - one is the money, the other your ex's relationship with his son.

On the money - if you've never expected your ex to contribute then you can't hold it against him. Make an appointment with a solicitor to set out what financial arrangements were made and what you may be entitled to - if he's still got the house and you haven't you may be entitled to a share etc. What you can do is start from the point you're at now. Then I would sit him down and talk to him first and if you get no joy then go through the CSA - he may be able to avoid paying but he may not - and if necessary mention to his parents that he's not paying a penny for their grandson and let the mother deal with her son (sounds like she'd do the right thing). Don't rush him - you've waited this long to speak to him about money so another week won't hurt - but make it clear you need to have an adult conversation with him. Don't relate the money to what he does with his weekends with your son. Your entitlement to some money for your son's care is not connected to his access.

On the relationship between father and son, to a certain extent that's none of your business. You may feel sad that he's missing out on a good experience with his son but that's his problem, you're no longer together so any say you have over him is gone. Going to granny's at the weekend may actually be a positive thing all round and is surely better than your son being bored in your ex's house and not being cared for properly.

vik6525

Oh I know that! im glad, and I mean genuinely glad that he has a great relationship with his grandparents. I never had two sets of grandparents, so he's getting a fab experience that i had. I mentioned it because the two are strangely interlinked. I never pushed for money, because i assumed that the ex was paying for everything on the weekend, so i thought it maybe evened itself out. However, to discover that nanny and grandpa are the ones paying for everything was a bit of a shock, and ive ended up feeling a bit stupid.

Rachie_B

vik6525 wrote:

Hi guys! I spoke this over with some friends last night, and they were dumbfounded that ive never asked him for a penny. We're all in the same boat, single mums!, and they get money ranging from 35 quid, to 100 quid, and always assumed that i did the same. I feel really stupid and trodden over now!

((hugs)) its not your fault you are nice and think nicely of everyone else,
me thinks he has been playing on this :mad:

kelloggs36

vik6525 wrote:

Oh I know the csa is there to help, but as I said, he used to work for them and thus knows all the loopholes... I remember him once mentioning that he could tell them it was 'detrimental to our sons upbringing' or something, and that that would get him off paying???

Sorry, but he is lying! There are no loopholes to get out of paying unless he isn't working at all! He is using emotional blackmail - you need to call his bluff and make a claim. I can't believe he told you that he could merely say that paying maintenance would be detrimental to the child's upbringing! What a laugh! What he meant was that the PARENT WITH CARE (i.e YOU) could refuse to make a claim if you were claiming Income support if you could prove that you or the child would be under undue harm or distress if you were to pursue him for maintenance - by him being violent towards you and being a risk to you both. He is having you on love!

vik6525

kelloggs36 wrote:

Sorry, but he is lying! There are no loopholes to get out of paying unless he isn't working at all! He is using emotional blackmail - you need to call his bluff and make a claim. I can't believe he told you that he could merely say that paying maintenance would be detrimental to the child's upbringing! What a laugh! What he meant was that the PARENT WITH CARE (i.e YOU) could refuse to make a claim if you were claiming Income support if you could prove that you or the child would be under undue harm or distress if you were to pursue him for maintenance - by him being violent towards you and being a risk to you both. He is having you on love!

Christ!!!! is that true??? Oh now i feel like a right t**t! oh this is really bad now....

howdumbarewe!

I agree with everyone else. The CSA would be the way to go. But before you get them involved ask your ex if he will pay maintenance towards his son. I think that on the salary someone mentioned on here of £24,000 he should be more than able to afford to pay. £24,000 is lots more than many people earn working a full-time job!
It would be best to come to an agreement with your ex as you say that he is a reasonable man. Perhaps it just hasn't occurred to him up until now!!

But be warned even though the CSA should be able to get him to pay there are those that still do not pay. My ex has only paid me once in the past 6 yrs and he only paid then becuse there was a charge put on his house and he could only sell it by law if he paid me the amount owing. That was 4 yrs ago and even though there is a warrant out for his arrest he still will not pay!!!!
Good luck

vik6525

Right... but if im going to try and talk this through with him, what should i ask him for? I dont want to rock the boat with csa etc, but realisticly (pref from someone with experience!!!) how much should i start asking for? frankly, id be happy with a tenner as a token gesture!

kelloggs36

Hold your nerve girl!! What does he earn? How many children does he have in his household?

Somebody said 24k - so I shall use this as a ball park figure.

I'm sure you said that his new gf has 2 kids and they live together?

Based on this, and taking off tax, national insurance and allowing for his 2 other children in his household, he should be paying you 41 pounds per week.

However, if your child stays with him for 1 night per week, deduct 1/7 of this = 35 he should pay. If your child stays 2 nights per week with him, deduct 2/7 = 29.28 per week.

So, he should either pay you 29.28 per week, 35 per week or 41 per week, depending on number of nights child stays with him. DO NOT let him fob you off. If he makes threats, LET HIM AND CALL HIS BLUFF by going to the CSA. He is trying to manipulate you because he doesn't want to pay but he MUST.

Please let us know how you get on. As I am CSA staff (on career break!) please feel free to PM me if he tells you anything to try and put you off again.

Rachie_B

why not ask for £30 then ,its not a huge amount that he can argue with yet it will help you a lot,to buy things for your son etc

good luck with it

Rach x

vik6525

Hi... yeah 30 quid sounds like a reasonable amount to me... i just have to pluck up the courage to ask for it now!