Problem with sons father.

hobo28

I think there are two issues here. Firstly child support and secondly what ex does with son during his time.

Child support wise, he definitely should be paying something. If he won't agree then your only recourse is the CSA. But as you say, he will prob. know better than most how useless the CSA really are so I'm not sure how much this will help in practice.

The second issue is what he does during his time. Unfortunately there's little you can do here except appeal to his better nature. His time is HIS time. Its wrong that he does nothing but if thats the way he wants to bring his son up then ultimately he will lose out when your son figures it out. You can't make someone be a better parent if they don't want to be. To be honest he sounds very immature and selfish.

vik6525

I feel terrible for asking for help on this, because, despite the way it sounds, the ex is actually a decent bloke, who really does love his son. I think the problem is he cant grasp the responsibility of being a parent, and how much its costs, both financially and socially. I want my son to be brought up by his parents, not his grandparents, and I do want his dad to be a massive part of his life.

Janepig

vik6525 wrote:

If you knew my son then you'd realise that he doesnt tell us ANYTHING! lol. he gets home and I say 'how was daddies, what did you do' and he goes 'nothing'... same with school!

I don't know how old your little boy is but I can vouch for DD (nearly 4) being like that - normally questions like "what did you do at school/mamgu's", etc are met with "nuffin/don't know/can't remember" (in welsh though). When she's in the mood she'll stump up the odd bit of info though.

I think you need to start getting some money out of your ex though. I can't see you getting him to change his parenting skills (or lack thereof) but if your son doesn't seem to unhappy with the situation, and time with his grandparents isn't so bad then don't worry too much, although the unfairness of the situation is a bummer. Get that claim in!!!!

Jxx

vik6525

In terms of the money then... How much is reasonable to ask for?

thesaint

Does your ex dictate what you do with your son in the week? He has different idea's than you. Celebrate the difference.

He should be paying towards his son's keep, but it seems that this wasn't important until you found out your son was at his Grandma's at the weekend. God help when your ex gets a girlfriend.

Learn some questions that you can ask your son that can't be answered with a "Nothing" or "Dunno".

vik6525

thesaint wrote:

Does your ex dictate what you do with your son in the week? He has different idea's than you. Celebrate the difference.

He should be paying towards his son's keep, but it seems that this wasn't important until you found out your son was at his Grandma's at the weekend. God help when your ex gets a girlfriend.

Learn some questions that you can ask your son that can't be answered with a "Nothing" or "Dunno".

thanks for the lovely helpful advice there...
For your information...
Ex has a fantastic girlfriend who loves my son very much.
Ex obviously cant dictate what my son does during the week, unless youre suggesting I take the little one out of school and start going to the park with him every day.
Ive always had a problem with him not paying for his son, however, as I said, I Assumed he was paying for most things on the weekend so I let it slide a little.
Thank you for your wonderful tips on how to communicate with my child.
I asked for advice, not a critique of my parenting skills.

Oldernotwiser

vik6525 wrote:

sons dad works 9 to 4, four days a week, and 9 til 2 on the other day.. So yes, he does earn a HELL of a lot more than me!!!!

He may be working those hours but he won't be teaching those hours. You only get paid £15 per hour for the hours you're in the classroom. The average salary for a full time college lecturer (not hourly paid part time) is about £24,000.

vik6525

no, those are the hours he actually teaches! he teaches 3 gcse re sit classes, 2 a level classes in a different college, and also an adult literacy class. He also teaches an evening class for the local council.

Rachie_B

hobo28 wrote:

I think there are two issues here. Firstly child support and secondly what ex does with son during his time.

Child support wise, he definitely should be paying something. If he won't agree then your only recourse is the CSA. But as you say, he will prob. know better than most how useless the CSA really are so I'm not sure how much this will help in practice.

The second issue is what he does during his time. Unfortunately there's little you can do here except appeal to his better nature. His time is HIS time. Its wrong that he does nothing but if thats the way he wants to bring his son up then ultimately he will lose out when your son figures it out. You can't make someone be a better parent if they don't want to be. To be honest he sounds very immature and selfish.

I agree

as for how much £ a week what do YOU think is a reasonable amount

my ex pays me £30 for my eldest son.
when we first split up and was going through the CSA ( because i was on benefits and not working at the time)
he had to pay £68 a week and that was back in 1998 !
then when i started work etc and more recently moved away and married its not really about the amount of money,plus he has a fiancee and 2 further children to look after aswell

He has him every other wkend and for weeks at a time in the holidays though
he also contributes to residential school trips / school uniform and the like.

so many things need to be taken into consideration

but it would appear your ex is living a good life ,he works, doesnt pay for his child and is living with mummy and daddy !!!

cant believe you never came to an arrangement over money when you split up lol and cant believe he has gotten away with it ! typical man

Smashing

Working out child maintenance payments. There's a calculator there that takes into account the number of nights your son spends with his Dad and reduces the payment to you accordingly.