Problem with sons father.

Rachie_B

then you need to talk about it over the phone

TBH he is walking all over you it would appear ( IMO) and taking advantage of the fact you are being so amicable and nicey nice

vik6525

Thats the stupid thing... I think I may just be too nice sometimes! I need to grow some balls!

Rachie_B

vik6525 wrote:

Thats the stupid thing... I think I may just be too nice sometimes! I need to grow some balls!

:beer: you go girl :T

kelloggs36

vik6525 wrote:

Thing is, I know what the ex is like... He'll give it the old 'oh ive got a mortgage to pay' bolloxs, and ill end up feeling guilty for asking...

don't. The child belongs to BOTH of you and is both of your responsibility. You clearly pay for his upkeep by virtue of the fact that he lives with you - food, clothes, heating etc. He does not. If he loves his son as much as you say he does, he will have no problems whatsoever in maintaining him properly.

He may try the old sob story about having a mortgage, but his son is just as much a part of his life as his mortgage and cannot be discarded financially in favour of something else. You can take his circumstances into consideration if you like, but as a benchmark (and based on the CSA) you should start at asking him for 15% of his net income. So if he takes home 200 quid a week, you ask for 30. It isn't a lot, but it would show that he takes his responsibilities seriously. YOu can accept a bit less as he has him twice per week (if you like but as he doesn't you could argue that he doesn't maintain him here either). But it can only come from you. Nobody doubts what you say in terms of him loving his son, but it takes more than the good bits to be a father - it takes sacrifice too, and in many cases it means a financial sacrifice to some extent.

kelloggs36

vik6525 wrote:

Ok guys... I tried tonight to arrange a time to go and talk to the ex... I told him we need to have a chat about our little one, and money, and responsibilities etc (fyi, I wasnt angry or anything, in fact, I offered to go over to his house to talk it through, or even for us to go for a pint or something) and guess what? yup... he's suddenly 'busy' for the next couple of nights, and wont be able to talk until he comes to pick ds up on saturday. He knows full blinking well I wont have serious chats when the little one is around, cause I like the nipper to see that his mum and dad have a 'good' relationship... Im really p'od now... I knew he'd try and wrangle out of it...

He is taking the pi**. He clearly has no sense of responsibility IMHO - he just wants the good bits and being a dad isn't like that I'm afraid.

If I were you, I would ask him nicely, and then give him a deadline of a week to make an offer. If no offer is forthcoming or it is a stupid one, then tell him you have no alternative but to go to the CSA who will pursue him for maintenance and he will have no choice but to comply. If he doesn't then he could face criminal sanctions against him and he wouldn't want that and neither would you, would you?:D

For your son's sake, don't let him fob you off. Give him a deadline but be strong.

belfastgirl23

Just a quick line cos as a child of divorced parents I have some experience in this

I think the spending time with the extended family is a really good thing. I do understand that you feel he should be the 'dad' but I really wish now that I'd had a relationship with the 'other' side of my family and your son is getting a chance to have this. If you see weekend dads out and around you'll notice that the kids often look bored and miserable and the dad looks stressed and unhappy because it's an unnatural environment. Your boy is doing okay on this front I think.

But for the money you definitely have a point. Maybe you need to talk to his dad and explain that as your son gets older it is getting to be more and more of a struggle to make ends meet because children get more expensive as they get older (all true!). If you don't feel comfortable taking money you could either come up with a couple of things that he or his family could be responsible for paying for - a young relative in the same position has her mobile phone and gym membership paid for by her paternal grandparents and regular contributions to holidays etc. Perhaps your ex could give your son pocket money (and you could be clear with him that this covers certain hobbies etc that you're already paying for). The other thing is that you could ask your ex to contribute regularly to a savings account for your son's uni education (given his job this seems reasonable) - even if he decides not to go to college it might go a long way towards a mortgage downpayment etc.

It seems to me that a part of the problem is you not being clear with your ex about your expectations - totally understandably because you have every right to be proud of your independence and of the fact that you have provided for your son up until now. I think you should arrange a time and neutral venue, tell him you want to talk about your son's welfare and future and be very clear, however awkward it is, what you want (men need this I think). And whilst it will be awkward and uncomfortable keep in the forefront of your mind that this is for your son -I can tell that you would walk over hot coals for him and you can do this too!! Good luck!

vik6525

Hi guys! I spoke this over with some friends last night, and they were dumbfounded that ive never asked him for a penny. We're all in the same boat, single mums!, and they get money ranging from 35 quid, to 100 quid, and always assumed that i did the same. I feel really stupid and trodden over now!

Paula_anne

Maybe its worth contacting csa cos they arrange a practical amount for him to pay, csa found my ex and now he's paying regularly but hasn't seen his daughter since she was 2 wks old. he wants test (very amicable btw) after test hopefully they can start a relationship but my partner who has brought my dd up from 5 mths obviously is gonna hurt from all this, life is crap we all get it wrong love just remember the csa are there to help us.

vik6525

Oh I know the csa is there to help, but as I said, he used to work for them and thus knows all the loopholes... I remember him once mentioning that he could tell them it was 'detrimental to our sons upbringing' or something, and that that would get him off paying???

Paula_anne

oh dear sounds very difficult, sorry couldn't offer any usefull advice, hope you sort this out soon Paulax