Problem with sons father.

Gingernutmeg

Just wanted to add from a 'child's' point of view ... My parents divorced when I was very young and my father never paid a penny from the day of the divorce onwards. As you're growing up, it really starts to hurt feeling that your parent doesn't even care whether you're clothed/fed/warm etc. If for nothing else, please confront your ex for your son's sake. Money isn't everything - but if a parent can't be there physically then knowing that they care enough about you to contribute financially towards your upbringing does mean a lot.

thesaint

vik6525 wrote:

Why bother replying yet again to this thread? As I said, I asked for advice, you have none, just a wonderful critique of the person you percieve me to be, so why keep coming back to this?

I gave you advice, because it was not of the "OOh that awful man, take him for all you got" you get upset. It is a public forum. If you do not want me to come back it would make sense not to ask a question.

Show that you are the bigger person and ignore.

djdido2

Vik. I can understand exactly where you are coming from. DD's grandmother is also very [STRIKE]bossy[/STRIKE] "Strong willed". It used to bother me so much that she was doing all the running about and even offered money when he would or could not pay.

DD is older now and I have just had to adopt the attitude that at least she is looked after and cared for by decent people. Could be alot worse!!

I remember when DD was knocked down by a car. Thankfully she was not seriously hurt but Dad could not come to the hospital as he could not drive due to the fact that he'd had a drink. A taxi or a lift was obviously out of the question so I was left to handle the situation on my own. The mind boggles!!

How is your son now, ok I hope!!

vik6525

The thing is, my ex really does adore our son. I mean really really does love him to bits. he sees him every weekend without fail, and, despite what certain people who've replied to this think, Im chuffed to bits that he has a cracking relationship with his grandparents, aunties uncles and cousins on his dads side. This has nothing to do with WHO my son spends his time with, its just the fact that I'd always let the money thing slide cause I assumed the ex was paying for stuff on the weekend. So to discover that my ex literally pays nothing whatsoever at all, not even for an ice cream for the little one, was a HUGE shock, and I feel like Ive been a bit too soft by not asking for any kind of contribution at all, when I happily go without to see my little one fed, clothed and (slightly) spoilt!

hobo28

vik6525 wrote:

LOL! It would just be nice to have a bit of a contribution from him, no matter how small, just to show hes taking some kind of responsibility...

I used to be a single parent and know exactly the emotions you are feeling. But trust me, getting a "token" amount will not take away the feeling that he is not living up to his responsibilities. My ex pays me a "token" amount of maintenance. Has done since day 1 and I still get the same amount four years later. Its only recently that I've started getting the feeling she is finally being a decent mum. Ironically the catalyst was me moving 100 miles away and taking the kids. When they were on her doorstep she didn't seem bothered.

The thing is, you can't MAKE him be the responsible parent you want him to be. As I said, he should be paying something and I suggest you do speak to him about this but don't for a minute think it will change anything.

As far as him going to his parents, i'm afraid all you can do is grit your teeth. It's his time and his rules. I know how frustrating it is though. For a while after we split, my ex used to be waiting outside her house on a Sat. night in her clubbing outfit. As soon as I handed them over, she'd bundle them into her car and take them to her parents for a sleepover so she could go out. I used to offer to have the kids to avoid them being passed about. Eventually I realised that this was a bad idea. So I left her to keep calling on her family to do her job until they got sick of it. Took a while but it did happen. It wasn't nice watching the kids get bundled off again but I do think that in the long term, it was the right decision.

Its natural that you will be annoyed by the fact he can live a responsibility free lifestyle because you have taken it all on. However by being the resident parent, that is the cross you chose to bear. His cross is that he only gets to see his son at the weekend.

Rachie_B

vik6525 wrote:

The thing is, my ex really does adore our son. I mean really really does love him to bits. he sees him every weekend without fail, and, despite what certain people who've replied to this think, Im chuffed to bits that he has a cracking relationship with his grandparents, aunties uncles and cousins on his dads side. This has nothing to do with WHO my son spends his time with, its just the fact that I'd always let the money thing slide cause I assumed the ex was paying for stuff on the weekend. So to discover that my ex literally pays nothing whatsoever at all, not even for an ice cream for the little one, was a HUGE shock, and I feel like Ive been a bit too soft by not asking for any kind of contribution at all, when I happily go without to see my little one fed, clothed and (slightly) spoilt!

You need to sit down and discuss this ASAP IMO ,
you may not like to broach the subject ,but its what you ( and your son) are entitled to !!!

you say your ex dotes on your son etc etc.........

YET you also say he doesnt buy him anything / take him anywhere ( but his parents! and football because HE wants to go ) when he has him for the wkend etc

I know its not all about money and material possessions, but to not even buy the child a packet of sweets / chips when he is paying NOTHING in maintenance is quite frankly disgusting and taking the pi55 hugely :mad:

I am angry on your behalf ! lol

vik6525

Thing is, I know what the ex is like... He'll give it the old 'oh ive got a mortgage to pay' bolloxs, and ill end up feeling guilty for asking...

Jet

vik6525 wrote:

Thing is, I know what the ex is like... He'll give it the old 'oh ive got a mortgage to pay' bolloxs, and ill end up feeling guilty for asking...

Just keep telling yourself that your son is the responsibility of BOTH parents not just you!

It sounds like your ex is quite child like and somewhere in your sub conscious, you don't think of him as being your adult equal and therefore, he shouldn't need to contribute.

Change that subconscious thought and remember he does have a responsibility towards your son, whether he has a mortgage or anything else to payout.

Rachie_B

Jet wrote:

Just keep telling yourself that your son is the responsibility of BOTH parents not just you!

It sounds like your ex is quite child like and somewhere in your sub conscious, you don't think of him as being your adult equal and therefore, he shouldn't need to contribute.

Change that subconscious thought and remember he does have a responsibility towards your son, whether he has a mortgage or anything else to payout.

:T well said

Vik you are gonna have to bite the bullet and just broach the subject hun

like jet said he is BOTH of yours' son why should you ( who earns less etc) stump up for everything the lil fella needs ?!!! its not right and surely your ex will see that !!!

let us know how it goes :heart2:

vik6525

Ok guys... I tried tonight to arrange a time to go and talk to the ex... I told him we need to have a chat about our little one, and money, and responsibilities etc (fyi, I wasnt angry or anything, in fact, I offered to go over to his house to talk it through, or even for us to go for a pint or something) and guess what? yup... he's suddenly 'busy' for the next couple of nights, and wont be able to talk until he comes to pick ds up on saturday. He knows full blinking well I wont have serious chats when the little one is around, cause I like the nipper to see that his mum and dad have a 'good' relationship... Im really p'od now... I knew he'd try and wrangle out of it...