My daughter dislikes my partner..

Jelly*baby

Welshwoofs wrote: »

IMO you could be setting yourself up for unhappiness then because some children will hate anyone new who is introduced to the house. I certainly did. Should my Mother have spent the years between me being 5 and leaving home at 18 on her own because I was an awkward little mare who had decided that she'd make the life of any man who tried to enter my Mum's life hell? No!

My Mother's partner was perfectly nice (as I begrudgingly had to accept when I became more emotionally mature), yet I nearly drove them to the point of splitting by going out of my way to make life miserable....not talking, breaking his possessions and then claiming I hadn't, hiding this possessions, lying about things he'd said to me, not passing on phone messages and even putting laxatives in his food/coffee. All because I wanted a house with just me and my Mum in it.

The reality is that if there is cause for concern then obviously the parent should listen...but if it's just a case of childhood sulks because they no longer have Mummy to themselves anymore, then I'm sorry but it'd be ridiculous to pander to it.

Thanks. Fully agreed the bold part. Everyone iv'e discussed tis with who knows me and dd tell me that she is manipulative..i hate writing that about my own child but know at times she can be. I also know she is hurting and just dont know for the life of me what to do though. She does things for reactions which we have given her and she is far from stupid in some of the stuff she has done so makes it hard to feel sorry for her at times.

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

Just to clear a couple of things up quickly before i go to bed.

The holiday was never just for me and her alone it was booked a long time ago and her dad was supposed to be going. It was talked over numerous times and discussed whether to lose the money (over £4k) or go, she said she would only go if her BF was allowed to come too so thats the reason we decided on it, it was not taken lightly i can assure you.

person one i have never 'compared' her to her BF merely asked her once why she thinks they deal with this differently to see if it helps her through how she is feeling?

I think about this all the time, i am not some heartless parent and wish at times it could be as easy as to walk away but i can assure you it isn't. I talk to her every day and am at a loss what to do.

Thansk for the replys i havent thanked.

so the holiday was for you, your then partner and your daughter, and you changed it to be you, your daughter and your new boyfriend? not seeing the problem with that?

i dont think your a heartless parent, but i do think you need to put your daughter first and consider her fully before making decisions.

if shes 13, and you split up with her bio dad when she was a few months old, and then got into a relationship with another man for 12 years, and have currently been with your current oh for over a year - thats not a lot of cross over time. if any if my maths are correct.

in another post you said she was manipulative, it sounds to me like she needs to be. a child should be put first by their parents, it sounds like this girl has to fight to be even considered by hers.

elvis86

I'm afraid it sounds to me like the OP is unwilling to consider some of the points that many people have raised.

The fact that the OP has made great efforts to "convince" (force?) her daughter to accept and recognise her ex partner as her "dad" for 12 years, but has then seemingly moved on very quickly (immediately?) from her own relationship with him, to a relationship with a new man.

The fact that beginning a relationship with her daughter's best friend's father, and essentially changing the dynamic of her daughter's relationship with her friend, was maybe a little selfish. At 13, a girl's relationship with her best friend is probably one of the most (if not the most) important relationship she has. From her perspective, her mum has ridden roughshod over this in order to pursue a relationship with her friend's father, and has not only given her daughter difficult new circumstances to adapt to, but has effectively robbed her of the opportunity to confide in her friend about her feelings (as she may have if her mum's new man wasn't her best friend's dad!).

The possibility that she moved her latest OH in too quickly and didn't fully consider her daughter's feelings regarding this. IMO, moving in after less than a year together (as it sounds like the OP has) would be quite soon for anyone. But for a mum, and particularly a mum of a teenager, this seems too quick for me, especially considering the other factors (ie the recent breakdown of her mum and "dad" 's relationship and the new man's identity.

Gavin83

What bad behaviour is she doing exactly that deserves a grounding?

RacyRed

Jelly*baby wrote: »

For example if i say were going out for a meal tonight she will refuse point blank to come, if my OH dd comes she's with us like a shot, she will talk to OH like nothing is wrong then revert back as soon as home, so the i dont like him thing i don't buy.

The bold bit is your biggest clue. Is this jealousy, insecurity, competitiveness or something else?

Do you know what her best friend's mum (your current OH's most recent ex?) is saying to her daughter about their separation? Whatever it is, your daughter will be hearing all about it from her friend. Who is being blamed for the break-up of that relationship? Is your daughter having to walk a loyalty tightrope and if so, are you are acknowledging and giving her support with that?

When you have a heart to heart with her tonight (which I really don't think is a good idea until she feels ready to open up to you), listen to her very, very carefully.

Keep telling her how much you love her and resist the temptation to over-do the reprimands for bad behaviour, praise the good behaviour instead. Ignoring bad behaviour, such as her staying in her room, as much as possible might be a lot more effective right now.

I'm sorry that you are not liking a lot of the replies that you are getting, but you are getting honest responses here. Do please think about them before you dismiss them.

*max*

elvis86 wrote: »

I'm afraid it sounds to me like the OP is unwilling to consider some of the points that many people have raised.

I agree. The OP seems to have a "that's the way it is, take it or lump it" attitude with her daughter, with no consideration at all for her feelings or wishes. No wonder she's rebelling - and I think she's not even being that bad, considering!

This has been a major upheaval in the girl's life. Not only has the OP's new boyfriend moved in what seems to be VERY shortly after the break up with her long term partner, who was her daughter's father figure for all intents (and with zero regard for the daughter's feelings about it), but the man is actually also her daughter's best friend's dad...I know at her age I would have found this gross, extremely unfair, and very very disruptive.

It may not be the mature way of handling things, but she's 13 - it's her prerogative to be immature! I actually feel quite bad for the girl, from what we have been told here.

RacyRed

In fairness to the OP, I think she may still be viewing her daughter as a child.

A 13 y/o who has had to deal with so much in the last couple of years is a child who is having to grow up very, very fast and that needs to be acknowledged by the OP.

Gingerjar

I feel very sorry for your daughter who is suffering and unhappy because of your actions. Maybe you need to explore your feelings with a counsellor and discuss loyalty issues as you you don't seem to realise that your daughter's feelings need to be respected or considered in any way.

lostinrates

Welshwoofs wrote: »

IMO you could be setting yourself up for unhappiness then because some children will hate anyone new who is introduced to the house. .

I think that is also true...but there is a compromise...a long dating without living together introduction, not even making the children aware there is a relationship (but of course letting them know you are dating and would like to meet someone so its not an alien idea to them) until its solid and past the honey moon stage, and then introducing the idea of a partner without the living together.

I really think moving in to a new boyfriends home, withing a year of losing the live in status with the man she considered ''dad'' plus the confusion of the best friend...and that can be a really vital relationship for venting and crying and talking out these things...I think its fair to accept this situation inantely has more than the almost inevitable just not wanting to share her mum.

RadoJo

Jelly*baby wrote: »

I am the reason me and her dad split yes so she punishes me understandably so i understand fully why she is upset and as time has gone on i hoped she would ease a little better into the situation but obviously not.

As time has gone on? How much time are we talking? Not much when you consider that you have expected her to 'get over' the split with her step father and not seeing him every day as she was used to, and accept a new man who's not just in her life but in her house, all in just over a year. I think you have moved WAY too quickly on this and I'm not surprised that she feels aggrieved.

Jelly*baby wrote: »

We are a couple and whether right wrong, badly times etc both of us cannot just walk away from this now and dont want to so i have to find an even ground somewhere to try and please everyone.

I think this sums it up - despite this being a relatively new relationship, you've already demonstrated that you're not prepared to make sacrifices in your relationship with your boyfriend even though it means your relationship with your daughter is obviously suffering. You could have carried on seeing each other and tried to keep things out of your daughter's face when you realised that she was really unhappy with the situation, but you chose to move him in and now you seem surprised that this has not only not helped, but has made things worse.
I feel sorry for her - you may think that she didn't suffer when you split with her step dad, but you don't seem to even consider the fact that she has had absolutely no say in the fact that she now only gets to spend 1.5 days a week with the man she grew up with and the rest of her time with a relative stranger.