My daughter dislikes my partner..

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

Dirtysexymonkey..no what makes you think i cheated?

POPPYOSCAR i try i really do try to include her in what we do BUT she bluntly refuses..tbh we are at home most of the time but times like food shopping, going for a walk she wont come so what do i do drag her? we have taken her out for meals which a year ago she was fine and now refuses not sure why. We now stay in all the time and go out when she is at her dads or a friends ect.

the 'they are both punishing me for what i did'. and the dates. you either move on very fast (as in hours and days) or there was some overlap.

Jelly*baby

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

the 'they are both punishing me for what i did'. and the dates. you either move on very fast (as in hours and days) or there was some overlap.

It was very quick. My ex punishes me for leaving him, my daughter as i said knew nothing so it came as a shock, she saw ex upset and knows its because of me so hates me for that reason. Also meant to say due to my OH now she obviously blames him for it but it was my decision.

mr_and_mrs_ts

I feel for you, I feel for your daughter and your partner.

I was a teenager growing up in the 80's when my dad brought his wife to our house.She loves him and they are good together still. But in all honesty, he was smitten by her and I feel I came 2nd. I didn't mind too much as I know he needed someone to love him / be loved. All pictures of my mum / family were taken down for his 'new' life. I was a good kid who never said too much then.

Now i'm 44 with 2 children of my own. There is no way I would bring someone into my house until I had covered all the ground and knew I had everything covered.

I wish you all the best in sorting it out -it's a tricky situation - maybe seek specialist advice? I dunno.

POPPYOSCAR

Jelly*baby wrote: »

Dirtysexymonkey..no what makes you think i cheated?

POPPYOSCAR i try i really do try to include her in what we do BUT she bluntly refuses..tbh we are at home most of the time but times like food shopping, going for a walk she wont come so what do i do drag her? we have taken her out for meals which a year ago she was fine and now refuses not sure why. We now stay in all the time and go out when she is at her dads or a friends ect.

My teenage daughter very often does not want to do things with us-
not cool to do things with parents!! As long as you include her then you have done your bit. Why do you stay in? If you want to go out, just go.If she does not want to go, get a babysitter.

What I was really talking about though was you going on holiday without her because she played up last time. I personally would not go without my daughter at age 13 whether she played up or not.

As I said, I think 13 can be a really difficult age, even when everything in life is 'normal'(for want of a better word!)

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

It was very quick. My ex punishes me for leaving him, my daughter as i said knew nothing so it came as a shock, she saw ex upset and knows its because of me so hates me for that reason. Also meant to say due to my OH now she obviously blames him for it but it was my decision.

do you not think the fact that you moved on very quickly affected your daughter? especially as it was with a man that you only met due to her (her best friends dad).

do you not think she feels guilt that she introduced the person who broke up her parents marriage? in her eyes anyway.

did you even consider your dds feelings at all? because on the list of your priorities it seems that she comes way down the list and the top is your doodah!

JC9297

You haven't actually answered most of the questions people have asked, but reading between the lines you did split up with the man who had been her dad to be with this man - and you are surprised she isn't happy? Also not really surprised your ex isn't exactly sympathetic, he probably feels she is entitled to be unhappy with the situation.

Somebody asked what behaviour she is actually grounded for, but you haven't eplained.

Basically you are saying I've done what I want to to make me happy, how can I stop my daughter from spoiling things for me.

KiKi

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

the 'they are both punishing me for what i did'. and the dates. you either move on very fast (as in hours and days) or there was some overlap.

Not necessarily; the holiday may have been booked way in advance, esp if it was a really lovely and expensive one.

OP, I think there are certainly some issues your DD has with OH, but I also think there's just some typical teenage behaviour, too. When I was 15/16 and hating being with my parents, I was LOVELY to them if I had friends around! When friends weren't around I could be quite horrid!

I agree that you shouldn't end your relationship just because your daughter's unhappy about it. But it certainly seems like she has some issues with your new OH, and whether you like it or not, you need to address them. If she won't talk to you, then take her to a counsellor who will help her open up and find ways of dealing with things.

Word of caution, just in case you don't remember what it's like being a teenager. The whole 'I hate you because obviously you don't love me thing' is usually to get a reaction. When mum and dad get pushed to the very limit and say 'fine, you can't come on holiday', then you've fulfilled her expectations: 'see? I knew you didn't love me'. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, pushing people away until they walk away and then they can say 'I knew it'.

I'm not saying give in, I don't think that's right. And the fact that she's lovely to you both when her mate's around and the fact that she's getting her own way at dad's house suggests that she's not completely upset - rather part-upset and part-stroppy. However, don't fulfil her expectations of you by refusing to let her come on holiday, I think that's the worst thing you could do.

Get her to see someone and talk to someone, I don't think you can afford not to.

KiKi

Gavin83

Jelly Baby, could you answer my questions from the previous page please? I think they're both very relevant to the discussion and will certainly affect what answer I give.

dirtysexymonkey

KiKi wrote: »

Not necessarily; the holiday may have been booked way in advance, esp if it was a really lovely and expensive one.

i didnt mention the holiday in that post. the dates in question are that the op has a 13 year old daughter who has had her mother with -
1. bio dad for some months
2. step dad for 12 years
3. new partner for over a year

you dont have to be carole vorderman to work what that all means.

lostinrates

Jelly*baby wrote: »

what do i do? pack OH bags and say sorry? i can't and if that makes me selfish then yes i am.

no, I don't think that would be great either.

BUT I do think it hits the nail on the head of a big part of the problem. People say very easily...''I'd do anything for my child/children'' and indeed its the common held view of what is right and good. I think your daughter probably knows you've drawn a line as to what you wouldn't do for her and it probably makes her feel a little insecure and needing to feel she rejects before is rejected, and to both challenge her idea that she comes ''second'' and also to try and prove to herself that she might come first.


I also agree there must be a huge element of teens, but there is a lot of middle ground between blaming her entirely and you splitting up, but I think that HAS to start with you acknowledging to yourself..not necessarily to her, that she is at least in part responding to your decisions and actions. It will help you see her PoV and meet her arguments, or ignore her where appropriate but with sympathy not only the frustration.