My daughter dislikes my partner..

POPPYOSCAR

Jelly*baby wrote: »

I agree..'normally' i wouldnt dream of going away without her which is why she came with us the first time..ruined it but of course we took her again..ruined a very expensive trip and now what just keep going away and hating it..no point. Wait another 3/4 years to go away?

Do they not have any school trips planned? Perhaps you could go away at the same time?

Yes if it were me I would wait the 3/4 years if need be.

Jelly*baby

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

She can't be that bad then!

As others have said, this sounds perfectly normal to me from a typical teenager.

Some days you would think I was my daughters worst enemy and the next minute she is cuddling me and saying 'do you love me mummy'!!
in a little girl voice.

She's not 'bad' just deals with her upset/anger in a very very hard way for everyone to deal with. You know the other night my brother and sister were round for dinner, dd was at her dads. She walked in and was all smiles and lovely and the rest of the night was great. My sister actually commented on how nice she was as normally she is rude or moody and told her she should be a bit happier for everyones sakes as it is such a nicer atmosphere all round.

Jelly*baby

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Do they not have any school trips planned? Perhaps you could go away at the same time?

Yes if it were me I would wait the 3/4 years if need be.

Funnily enough onecame up yesterday so will see if she fancies it tommorow.

POPPYOSCAR

I think most people have some problems with their teenagers at some point.

I try to be understanding with my daughter up to a point but she will try to push the boundaries as they all do.Even, so I think this is a very vunerable age. Their emotions run high, their bodies are changing, they can be the sweetest thing one day and someone you do not recognize the next.She probably does not even know why she feels the way she does sometimes.

I am not saying you should pamper to her every whim but perhaps just cut her some slack sometimes for all she has been through.

*max*

You can't make someone be "happier for everyone's sake" though. I think she was making an effort, was in a good a mood after being with her dad, which probably made her forget her troubles for a while. You should have just gone with it and not said anything, especially not the likes of " See? you're so awful usually, look how nice it is when you're acting lovely". It's a very negative comment, it would have really annoyed and embarrassed me.

As for the rest, a lot of it is typical teenage angst, and some of it is a perfectly normal reaction against her wishes and feelings being ignored.

starnight_2

TBH alot of the things you say she does sounds more like typical teenage behaviour.

And if my aunt had said that to me I'd have been the stroppiest teen the next day, I can actually hear myself thinking 'who does she think she is?' lol

As I said I was you daughter at one point, and I really felt my mum didn't care for me at that point in time, most of it was hormones, but I also felt really isolated, and even if we spent time together I still felt that way. Being a teenager is a very confusing time and she's really probably only figuring out how she feels about the situation. Give her space, ignore the stroppy teenage behaviour unless she's being disrespectful etc, and do as Welsh says, reward the good behaviour with family days out etc, I would also include her B/F as on those as much as possible if she seems more comfortable around her.

Most of all you really need to give her more time than 1 yr, I couldn't be any closer to my mum amd I was maid of honour at her wedding, but I know I never made it easy for her, wether I meant to or not.

mikey72

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I would not go on holiday without my daughter...............

So she would decide what you do, where you go, who you see?
Sorry, I'm a parent, I do my best for my kids, but I wouldn't ever put a 13 year old as head of the family.
I'm responsible for them, I don't expect them to be in charge of me.

There's only a few of us in this thread who hold traditional parent values I suspect.
I'm not their best mate, they have other 13 year olds for that.
I get the cr*p job, I have to tell them what they shouldn't be doing, and even worse, punish them for doing it as well.
Would I rather be their best mate, and let them do anything they want, and think I'm wonderful all the time?
No, I have a responsibilty to them that goes beyond that.

edit - it took a while to post that, and poppyoscar has made other posts since that one, so it's unfair to use that quote now, but there are a few more of similar style, from other posters, so I'll use it as a general example, rather than a quote.
It's rough being a parent at times, but we all do our best in the way we can. Even though we would sometimes swop the 13 year old for the 3 month old again.

Lunar_Eclipse

Jelly*baby wrote: »

We took her away for a week on a lovlely trip..i can honestly say it was the worst and most stressful trip i have ever been on. It was very very hard work and we all ended up having a massive row due to the atmosphere and tension that built up. She was very selfish throughout most of it and very ungrateful.

Hand on heart I honestly believe this behaviour has NOTHING to do with your boyfriend and whose father he is. This behaviour is very normal for a lot of children at this age and in some ways it actually shows her acceptance of him if she acts in a truly awful fashion in front of him, as well as you. It's almost like she accepts him as a parental figure, because in my experience, well behaved children only really play up with their parents. Mine also give me (SAHM) a much harder time than they do with DH (their father) but wouldn't dream of putting a foot wrong or letting their manners slip for a second at school or at friends' houses.

I suggest some basic teenage parenting advice: keep talking. Listen a lot. Be respectful of her opinions, discuss why she doesn't spend time with you and how/whether you can improve it etc and DO NOT exclude her from your next holiday. I really think you'll live to regret that. In many ways, you only have a few more years of quality time with her (at home), but the rest of your life thereafter to live with your boyfriend.

Lunar_Eclipse

lostinrates wrote: »

She could even fear, deep down, relying on your new partner and that he too will be a stage in your lives, whose departure could cost her that oh so important relationship for teen girls...her best friend. and that one person to whom she'd vent about your boyfriend, she can't, because he is her dad.

I also think, this considered, you are being very hard on her.

Hadn't thought about this, but potentially very true. She probably wants to get a new best friend, but that would be a very hard thing to do.

I also think it's your job, as her mother, to ensure that she knows that she is your number 1 priority and to always treat her (everyone) with kindness. Unfortunately our children owe us nothing.

Back to the holiday. I think no-one going on holiday would be an acceptable compromise, but deliberate exclusion, with all this going on, would be a big mistake, in my opinion. A couple of romantic days away would be something else entirely.

POPPYOSCAR

mikey72 wrote: »

So she would decide what you do, where you go, who you see?
Sorry, I'm a parent, I do my best for my kids, but I wouldn't ever put a 13 year old as head of the family.
I'm responsible for them, I don't expect them to be in charge of me.

There's only a few of us in this thread who hold traditional parent values I suspect.
I'm not their best mate, they have other 13 year olds for that.
I get the cr*p job, I have to tell them what they shouldn't be doing, and even worse, punish them for doing it as well.
Would I rather be their best mate, and let them do anything they want, and think I'm wonderful all the time?
No, I have a responsibilty to them that goes beyond that.

edit - it took a while to post that, and poppyoscar has made other posts since that one, so it's unfair to use that quote now, but there are a few more of similar style, from other posters, so I'll use it as a general example, rather than a quote.
It's rough being a parent at times, but we all do our best in the way we can. Even though we would sometimes swop the 13 year old for the 3 month old again.

I know you edited your post and thank you for that but I would just like to say all the same that at no time does my daughter dictate to us what we do as parents. If it were me, my daughter would go on holiday with us like it or not and we would deal with the fall out.

I agree that we are parents and not friends and we have to be tough sometimes and perhaps treat our children in such a way that can be difficult for both them and us, but I feel this has to tempered with a little understanding or you can alienate your children from you.

The situation here seems to me to be a combination of the usual teenage tantrums made more difficult by the complexities of the family relationships and circumstances and as such I do not feel can simply be dealt with in the same way as perhaps otherwise.