My daughter dislikes my partner..

elisebutt65

Crikey!!! I've been with my Fianc! for nearly 9 years now and we still haven't moved in together, primarily cos of my kids! My eldest DS (16) asked me not to move anyone in whilst he was still here (prob cos of space issues lol) and little was only 3 when we got together anyway.

We talk sort of wistfully about when the kids have left home and we can finally get somewhere together, but DS1 has announced he wants to go to local Uni so he doesn't have to leave home:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Seeing as little will only be 12 soon, doesn't look like we'll be getting together anytime soon!!!

Never mind OP - damage is done now so you'll just have to stick to damage limitation! Why doesn't your DD go and live with your ex for a bit as he sees to enjoy letting her hang and do her own thing? Then she can get a bit of her own space back?

Tish_P

How long ago did her best friend's parents split up? Does she see you as having broken them up too? Personally I don't think a third person can ever rightly be blamed for breaking up a couple, but might she see it that way given the timings?

I've more and more sympathy with the daughter as the thread goes on. I would recommend she have counselling - not, as the OP sees it, as some sort of punishment for bad behaviour (and she sounds no worse than any other teen) but because of the recent massive upheavals in her life.

Welshwoofs

coolcait wrote: »

It's bad enough being a thirteen year old. Being a thirteen year old who is caught up in family circumstances of the 'you couldn't make it up' variety must be a million times worse.

How is it a 'you couldn't make it up' situation? Seems pretty bloody straight forward to me. The girl's Dad walked when she was a few years old. There was then a relationship which lasted for 12 years and broke up for an unspecified reason and the girl doesn't view that chap as a Dad and now there's relationship #3.

Getting subjected to 'talks' when she doesn't behave well (unspecified), and 'comments' when she does behave well can't make it any easier.

The 'talks' appear of the variety designed to find out what's wrong. What is the problem with that? No doubt if the Op was on here saying she'd never broached the subject with her daughter she'd also be slated.

The OP appears completely oblivious to how her actions have caused/contributed to the situation; insensitive to the effect which others might be having on her daughter; and unwilling to listen to any suggestion that she is anything other than the victim of circumstances and a difficult child.

Yes, well I don't blame her for not listening to some of the suggestions because some of them are frankly bloody stupid. There's even been a suggestion that her partner move out for god's sake!

Jelly*baby

I apologise if im missing bits or not replying quite how some would like but can't keep up and tbh last night had hit rock bottom with it all..i guess thats my fault for posting but hey done now. I KNOW i am the one in the wrong here hence me posting for some advice so ide appreciate the comments of me taking no notice thought through a little as not once have i thrown anyones comments back at them.

She is yes a typical teenager hit with all this and i know it is hard i truly do, the long and short of it again though is we are where we are and have to try to work things out.

This morning she was very very off and rude with me, told me she didnt care what i thought about anything and will do what she likes..if i dont like it she will go to her dads..off to school slamming the door behind wasn't a great start to the morning shall we say.

I never put her second jsut haven't put her first and gone with what she wants in me being on my own i guess...i talked through with her me and OH getting together at the time..i talked through over the months of us seeing each other that we would move in together..she was ok hence us doing it but then not then ok then not so very hard to know whether we were right or wrong at the time..now it seems wrong but all this time on i can still see that it wouldn't be a good move and she would i feel get left out even more so as ide always be out with him on his own i guess..or he'd be here with her still avoiding us..cant win i guess.

Jelly*baby

Tish_P wrote: »

How long ago did her best friend's parents split up? Does she see you as having broken them up too? Personally I don't think a third person can ever rightly be blamed for breaking up a couple, but might she see it that way given the timings?

I've more and more sympathy with the daughter as the thread goes on. I would recommend she have counselling - not, as the OP sees it, as some sort of punishment for bad behaviour (and she sounds no worse than any other teen) but because of the recent massive upheavals in her life.[/QUOTE]

I agree..i also havent said that its due to her being punished?? i think it would help her talk through various things but she is very head set on it being a no.

Person_one

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Yes, well I don't blame her for not listening to some of the suggestions because some of them are frankly bloody stupid. There's even been a suggestion that her partner move out for god's sake!

I don't understand why that's 'bloody stupid'?

They've moved in very very quickly, if a single muum came on here and said 'I split up with my ex 8 months ago and I've been with my new partner 6 months. I want him to move in but my 13 year old seems reluctant, shall I move him in anyway?' do you think any single poster would be saying 'Yes! Get him moved in, she'll have to just deal with it.'?

Actually, even without children involved I think most people would have advised the OP against living together so soon.

Living together is not an irreversible decision, you can say 'look, we tried it, its making life difficult and having a really negative impact on my child. Lets admit that we did this too soon and take a step back.'

You don't need to split up just because you live in separate houses, and if the current situation is untenable and causing the daughter to be stressed out in her own home and deeply unhappy then why not go back to square one and start the whole process again but do it better this time. Take things more slowly, find ways for the daughter and the boyfriend to get to know each other over a longer period of time.

It doesn't mean you're 'giving in' to her (and frankly I hate all this talk of 13 year olds being manipulative and stroppy for the sake of it, happy ones aren't, generally, they want a good relationship with their mum, they want to feel comfortable at home.) it means you are taking her feelings into account and acknowledging her distress. She may only be 13 but she matters at least just as much as you and your partner, she isn't some inferior being, she's not the family dog!

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think where you've failed is that you've let your daughter know very clearly that she isn't your top priority. I think that to feel truly happy and safe children need to feel secure in the knowledge that their mum, out of all the people in the whole wide world, their mum at least, will always want whats best for them and can be relied upon and trusted. She's lost that, its a devastating loss.

Jelly*baby

Id'e also like to add that my sister commented..to me not infront of dd..she is aware of how her behaviour is infront of everyone as it is hence my sister saying what she did but please don't assume my dd was stood there as she wasn't.

Person_one

Jelly*baby wrote: »

She's not 'bad' just deals with her upset/anger in a very very hard way for everyone to deal with. You know the other night my brother and sister were round for dinner, dd was at her dads. She walked in and was all smiles and lovely and the rest of the night was great. My sister actually commented on how nice she was as normally she is rude or moody and told her she should be a bit happier for everyones sakes as it is such a nicer atmosphere all round.

Sorry, but which is it? How could she 'tell her' if she wasn't there?

Gingerjar

As before, very sorry for your daughter and shocked by your selfishness. She comes down way down on your list of priorities and frankly, your comment that if your partner moved out she'd be left on her own a lot as you'd be out with him "all the time" just backs up the fact that YOU put yourself first.

Poor child

POPPYOSCAR

I think some of the comments are a little harsh.

The Op obviously does care about her daughter or she would not have posted on here seeking advice.

None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.

The bottom line is this is the position they all now find themselves and how to move forward from there.