My daughter dislikes my partner..

supermezzo

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

you remind me of a friend i have. she cant be alone. she jumps from relationship to relationship but never leaves without her options firmly in place. that type of game is fine when its just you, but not when you have a child to consider.

i think your happy to accept that your daughter has been negatively affected by your behaviour, but not in practice. you wont give up anything to ensure that she is happy. all compromise must be done by her.

your playing a very dangerous game and if you continue youll find yourself alone.

I agree, as the 'worm' daughter who eventually turned after 37 years of changing of husbands, houses, schools, friends, step-siblings....

By your actions, you have forced your daughter through some major upheavals in life, changes at her age she was not equipped to deal with. And now, having seen the damage you have caused, you are wondering why she isnt playing nicely? You're setting this kid up for a whole lifetime full of issues. She is still entirely relient on you for food, water, a home, clothing, education - she has no choice in that. The only choice she has currently in what is already a really difficult time is whether or not to be a 'good girl' and bury her feelings of resentment, anger and loss, or to vent those feelings and refuse to be brow-beaten.

And PLEASE, stop asking her if she wants your OH to move out. If it is what she wants, she will be acutely aware that it will hurt you, and so she most probably wont say it anyway, leaving you with a child already hurt and confused, who is putting your needs before hers.

And, to my mind, that is just the wrong thing for a parent to be expecting or accepting.

Gavin83

You still haven't explained what behavioural problems she's having to warrant a grounding.

podperson

To be honest the way you're describing your daughter acting is exactly the same as I acted at that age - and my parents were still together. Most of it just sounds like normal teenager stuff - I would come home go to my room, get forced to come down for tea and then go back to my room. Everything my parents did was a huge source of embarassment - especially anything that might relate to relationships or sex - and I certainly didn't want to go anywhere with them or do anything.

Just a few things I picked up on. Try not to compare your daughter's reaction to your OH with that of his daughter's - while his daughter obvious also has to deal with the fact her dad has a new relationship she isn't living with you so doesn't have a new partner around 24hrs a day. It's a lot easier to be nice about it when she only sees her dad maybe a few times a week.
Also you say your OH 'keeps well out of it' - while I understand why he would do that does it feel like to daughter that he's distanced from her and doesn't really want to be involved? While he's in no way her dad then he is a member of her family now. Might be worth suggesting they spend some time together, or he could take her and his daughter out for the day or something.
Also if you want to go out, then go out - I wouldn't feel guilty about her being in on her own as she'll probably appreciate having the house to herself for a few hours at that age.

Kay_Peel

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

The bottom line is this is the position they all now find themselves and how to move forward from there.

Good point PoppyOscar.

On the one hand we have an unhappy teen who has lost trust and respect for her mother and is using the only weapon in her cupboard to get back at her - being stroppy and distant. The mother is unwilling to make changes in the living arrangements but she is unable to cope with the backlash. How to restore the relationship and undo some of the damage?

I think OP has to consider a number of things, so here's a few suggestions:

1. Things need to move fast because there is a possibility that the stroppiness/bad behaviour will worsen, not improve. (If you think a 13 year old is stroppy just wait till she's 15 or 16!) So, ditch the methods that keep failing (grounding her, wearing her resistance down with sweet words and cuddles) and try new tactics.

2. OP could start with a frank apology about the impact of her decision to move in the boyfriend so quickly.

3. Boyfriend could spend at least one or two nights a week somewhere else for the short term - just to give mother and daughter their home and privacy back, and some time alone.

4. Instead of going on holiday with OH, take the daughter and have a week re-bonding.

5. Don't leave your daughter alone while you and new b/f go out gallivanting and enjoying yourselves. (You're rubbing her nose in it. You might have moved on from her step-dad, but has she?)

In other words, take a little step back from your all-consuming relationship with the boyfriend, and give daughter the kind of loving care and attention that she needs in the wake of the loss of her home, step-dad and childhood friend.

Welshwoofs

Person_one wrote: »

I don't understand why that's 'bloody stupid'?

I'd have thought that was obvious frankly. Whilst the move in was swift and not terribly wise, the fact is that it happened and it is the situation. If there are no solid reasons for the girl to dislike this chap (ie there's no mistreatment), then upheaving the domestic situation yet again and damaging the relationship would just add to the problems. In addition, if this is just natural dislike of 'the new man', then splitting the couple apart will only serve to teach the girl that she calls the shots and sorry, but a 13yr old is NOT head of the house.

They've moved in very very quickly, if a single muum came on here and said 'I split up with my ex 8 months ago and I've been with my new partner 6 months. I want him to move in but my 13 year old seems reluctant, shall I move him in anyway?' do you think any single poster would be saying 'Yes! Get him moved in, she'll have to just deal with it.'?

No, they wouldn't suggest they go ahead but you're talking about someone seeking advice BEFORE the event. The situation NOW is that they live together and therefore that is what they have to deal with.

Living together is not an irreversible decision, you can say 'look, we tried it, its making life difficult and having a really negative impact on my child. Lets admit that we did this too soon and take a step back.'

Again, I just don't think it's wise to give a child that kind of power. The power to split apart a domestic set-up for no concrete reason.

Take things more slowly, find ways for the daughter and the boyfriend to get to know each other over a longer period of time.

If she engaged in that madness; breaking up their household to live apart just to make the girl feel better then I tell you what'll happen. What will happen is that she'll think "Great, I've won" and she'll know that come a time when her Mum broaches the conversation to move him back in, the daughter can just stomp her foot and veto it. Crazy.

It doesn't mean you're 'giving in' to her (and frankly I hate all this talk of 13 year olds being manipulative and stroppy for the sake of it, happy ones aren't, generally, they want a good relationship with their mum, they want to feel comfortable at home.)

I was stroppy and manipulative for the sake of it when a new man came into my Mum's life. I was a total little biatch and for no reason at all. At the time I simply wanted my Mum all to myself (I was an only child) and ANY man in the house was a threat to that.

I think that to feel truly happy and safe children need to feel secure in the knowledge that their mum, out of all the people in the whole wide world, their mum at least, will always want whats best for them and can be relied upon and trusted. She's lost that, its a devastating loss.

How does having a new relationship equate to not wanting the best for her?

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

I apologise if im missing bits or not replying quite how some would like but can't keep up and tbh last night had hit rock bottom with it all..i guess thats my fault for posting but hey done now. I KNOW i am the one in the wrong here hence me posting for some advice so ide appreciate the comments of me taking no notice thought through a little as not once have i thrown anyones comments back at them.

She is yes a typical teenager hit with all this and i know it is hard i truly do, the long and short of it again though is we are where we are and have to try to work things out.

This morning she was very very off and rude with me, told me she didnt care what i thought about anything and will do what she likes..if i dont like it she will go to her dads..off to school slamming the door behind wasn't a great start to the morning shall we say.

I never put her second jsut haven't put her first and gone with what she wants in me being on my own i guess...i talked through with her me and OH getting together at the time..i talked through over the months of us seeing each other that we would move in together..she was ok hence us doing it but then not then ok then not so very hard to know whether we were right or wrong at the time..now it seems wrong but all this time on i can still see that it wouldn't be a good move and she would i feel get left out even more so as ide always be out with him on his own i guess..or he'd be here with her still avoiding us..cant win i guess.

so where did she come? third? fourth? fifth?

you should start considering your daughter before she really hates you. maybe put her above your apparently insatiable sexual appetite.

Person_one

Welshwoofs wrote: »

I'd have thought that was obvious frankly. Whilst the move in was swift and not terribly wise, the fact is that it happened and it is the situation. If there are no solid reasons for the girl to dislike this chap (ie there's no mistreatment), then upheaving the domestic situation yet again and damaging the relationship would just add to the problems. In addition, if this is just natural dislike of 'the new man', then splitting the couple apart will only serve to teach the girl that she calls the shots and sorry, but a 13yr old is NOT head of the house.

No, they wouldn't suggest they go ahead but you're talking about someone seeking advice BEFORE the event. The situation NOW is that they live together and therefore that is what they have to deal with.

Again, I just don't think it's wise to give a child that kind of power. The power to split apart a domestic set-up for no concrete reason.

If she engaged in that madness; breaking up their household to live apart just to make the girl feel better then I tell you what'll happen. What will happen is that she'll think "Great, I've won" and she'll know that come a time when her Mum broaches the conversation to move him back in, the daughter can just stomp her foot and veto it. Crazy.

I was stroppy and manipulative for the sake of it when a new man came into my Mum's life. I was a total little biatch and for no reason at all. At the time I simply wanted my Mum all to myself (I was an only child) and ANY man in the house was a threat to that.


How does having a new relationship equate to not wanting the best for her?

All your advice seems to come from the perspective of viewing the child as some sort of adversary who needs to be beaten.

She's supposed to be a loved and valued member of the family, isn't she? Practically, mum will always 'win', she has all the power in this situation until the girl is old enough to move out and she should be using her stronger position to try and do what's best for everybody, not just herself.

I think you're being really hard on your younger self, I don't believe for a minute your bad behaviour was for no reason at all, even if you weren't fully conscious of the reason at the time.

mumps

A 13 year old shouldn't be allowed to dictate to her mother and going on holiday without her isn't the end of the world. When mine were teenagers they went on school holidays, sports tours, holidays with friends, Scouts/guides camps, trips with grandparents. If they couldn't fit in a week with me was I supposed to just sit at home?

Just give it a couple of years and then ask her if her mother should be allowed to veto her boyfriends and I think I know what the answer will be. Children need to be safe and loved, they aren't in charge and don't even want to be although they act like they are.

To look at some replies on here you would think the mother had sold her into slavery. She is a teenager, one day she will grow up and it will all be forgotten.

Welshwoofs and I seem to be talking from the experience of being teenage girls with moms in new relationships and we seem to have survived and can look back and see it wasn't the drama we tried to make it.

Welshwoofs

Person_one wrote: »

All your advice seems to come from the perspective of viewing the child as some sort of adversary who needs to be beaten.

No, she's not there to be beaten in a match but the Op has stated clearly that when she's asked her daughter what is wrong, she says that she's embarressed about him being there. That's it. The daughter wants the new man gone; if the Op gave in to that then yes, the daughter has successfully managed to ruin a relationship simply for the sake of being embarressed.

Now that I totally and utterly understand. She's embarressed that her best mate's Dad is now living with her Mum. She probably feels that she can't moan about him to the best mate (hence being all nicey nicey when they're all out together) because she'd be 'dissing' her mate's Father. Embarressment is a big factor - my Mother's new man was 26 years her senior; his eldest daughter was a year older than my Mother so I suddenly had a new 'dad' who was an old man. I stropped big time.

She's supposed to be a loved and valued member of the family, isn't she? Practically, mum will always 'win', she has all the power in this situation until the girl is old enough to move out and she should be using her stronger position to try and do what's best for everybody, not just herself.

What is the Mother supposed to do? Really, moving this chap out simply because her daughter is embarressed is not a solution. The solution is to either a) work hard to ease the situation or b) ignore the bad behaviour until it calms down (which it will in time)

I think you're being really hard on your younger self, I don't believe for a minute your bad behaviour was for no reason at all, even if you weren't fully conscious of the reason at the time.

It absolutely was for no reason at all. Children are quite capable of being monsters when they choose to and I certainly chose to. The logic is simple - make everyone's life hell and hope that the relationship breaks under the strain, the man leaves and everything returns to status quo. Honestly I think people over analyse everything these days - there really isn't always a deep seated reason for something. Sometimes the reasons can be right up front and glaringly superficial.

I do think that counselling would benefit the girl though because normally you'd vent to your best friend and it's obvious that in this situation she can't.

DuckEggGingham

Sorry if this has been asked but have you considered what her and her best friend talk about? Will she feel disloyal to her best friend based on their talks if she does get on well with her dad/your partner? You say she is all talkative when the best friend is there visiting her dad but not when she isnt? Maybe she feels she has permission/validation to talk and be chatty, go lucky with him when her friend is there as she is to and doesn't feel she is being disloyal to her friendship. Maybe her best friend is hurt a lot more then you guys realise by her dad moving in with you and your daughter is bearing the brunt of that privately when they talk?

I do really feel for you all, its a hard situation.