My daughter dislikes my partner..

Tish_P

Give her a break. You haven't described any of these terrible horrible selfish things she's done except deliberately stay out of your way (and one of those instances you only discovered because you spied on her). Teenagers are notoriously stroppy but don't you remember what it was like? You were starting to crave independence but you had no money and little freedom and no say even over who *lives in your home*.

You can't make her like him. She may well warm to him as time goes on, but you simply can't make her feel the way you want. Let her make herself scarce if she needs to rather than trying to force her to act a part.

RacyRed

Wow! What a situation.

I'm finding it a bit difficult to understand what the history of the situation is. I can totally understand you not wanting to give more information, but reading your posts, and a little "between the lines" is this somewhere close?

You left her stepfather, so in her eyes were the cause of the break-up of that relationship?

From the time scales you have given, your current partner was on the scene either before, or very shortly after, you split with your previous partner?

You mention that you moved in with your current OH, not him moving in with you. So you and your daughter moved home?

This is just my opinion, but if the above are correct then I honestly think you are expecting far too much from such a young girl. Haven't you effectively isolated her from the main people she would confide in about her feelings about such a traumatic change of circumstances in her young life? Realistically she cannot even discuss this with her best friend, can she?

It is very unfair to make comparisons between her best friend and her unless their circumstances are exactly the same, and they are not, far from it from the sounds of it, B/F is living with her mum, not her mum and her B/F's dad.

Yes, you want to be a happy family with your daughter and new partner, but please, cut her some slack! You have massively disrupted her life at a very vulnerable age so have to accept that you are going to endure some tough times with her.

Counselling might help, but it should be done in a way that allows her to try to work through her confusion. Please don't view counselling as something that will result in her conforming to your view of how she should be behaving. She is a teenager now, she wasn't going to be doing that anyway.

mikey72

Sounds like all my daughters were at 13.
I think they got better at about 16.
I just kept my head down.

*Robin*

OP is there any way you and your new partner could take a step back - I mean him get his own flat and be a visiting partner?

I think you two moved in together much too soon.

janninew

mikey72 wrote: »

Sounds like all my daughters were at 13.
I think they got better at about 16.
I just kept my head down.

Sounds just like me at 13 years old and I lived with my Mum and Dad! Its hard to know if she is being a stroppy teen (and girls at that age can be a nightmare!) or if there are other deeper issues.

Kay_Peel

Jelly*baby wrote: »

As for me moving in with this man, we told her it would happen eventually and left it 6 months and nothing improved so we thought 'why not as what's to change'

No surprises there then. You ignored her feelings and went ahead anyway. What did you expect? In her shoes, I would feel resentful too.

I don't think your new boyfriend is the problem, but I think that your daughter may have lost some faith and trust in you.

Welshwoofs

Running_Horse wrote: »

In the unlikely event I became a single parent, there is no way I would move someone in who my child didn't feel comfortable with. Her childhood would always come before my relationships.

IMO you could be setting yourself up for unhappiness then because some children will hate anyone new who is introduced to the house. I certainly did. Should my Mother have spent the years between me being 5 and leaving home at 18 on her own because I was an awkward little mare who had decided that she'd make the life of any man who tried to enter my Mum's life hell? No!

My Mother's partner was perfectly nice (as I begrudgingly had to accept when I became more emotionally mature), yet I nearly drove them to the point of splitting by going out of my way to make life miserable....not talking, breaking his possessions and then claiming I hadn't, hiding this possessions, lying about things he'd said to me, not passing on phone messages and even putting laxatives in his food/coffee. All because I wanted a house with just me and my Mum in it.

The reality is that if there is cause for concern then obviously the parent should listen...but if it's just a case of childhood sulks because they no longer have Mummy to themselves anymore, then I'm sorry but it'd be ridiculous to pander to it.

kazmc

I havent read the whole thread so apologies if this has already come up but heres a thought........

Her dad moved out... You have had 2 unsuccessful relationships ..... maybe she doesnt want to get attached to your new BF incase he doesnt stay???

I had the same thing with my DD and it was SO bad still after a year that I was close to ending the relationship until I sat her down and said that BF was with us for the long term and I hoped he would stay and that he wanted to stay long term too etc etc and it was like a light bulb going off in her head
Her whole worry was that he was going to be like the other men in her life had been (inconsistent and had walked out - dad included)
And there had only been her dad and 1 other so not like there had been a long line!

Just a thought................

Edited to add; We werent living together so not sure if that had a baring on things thou??

Jelly*baby

Thanks for the replies will try to do one reply to all.

I am the reason me and her dad split yes so she punishes me understandably so i understand fully why she is upset and as time has gone on i hoped she would ease a little better into the situation but obviously not.

I have toyed with this for 14 months now and have 2 sides..one is let her get on with it and see how things go (which is what everyone who knows us is telling me to do) or i keep pestering her to be a bit better behaved and carry on having the talks which i know some of you dont agree with.

I was due to speak to her and her dad last night but never made it round, i am going tonight instead. tbh i am not sure like some of you have said it is doing any good at all. She is grounded at the moment due to her behaviour and i found out when she got home her dad had dropped her off at her best friends for the evening instead of having her..he also text me to say she had told him she had been naughty so he'd decided not to take her out for dinner..i leter heard she was allowed to invite 2 friends round instead?? not sure how this is helping my side if keeping her under control really so feel im banging my head against a brick wall.

One thing i know is i have to try and distinguish the moodiness from the bit that i think is the issue..very hard as like i said she can turn so much to be nice when she 'want's to. For example if i say were going out for a meal tonight she will refuse point blank to come, if my OH dd comes she's with us like a shot, she will talk to OH like nothing is wrong then revert back as soon as home, so the i dont like him thing i don't buy. I fully understand how she feels arkward around him but i can assure you we are both aware of this and OH keeps well out of her way, we plan things round her having an easier life still rather than just getting on with stuff as such.

We are a couple and whether right wrong, badly times etc both of us cannot just walk away from this now and dont want to so i have to find an even ground somewhere to try and please everyone.

Jelly*baby

kazmc wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread so apologies if this has already come up but heres a thought........

Her dad moved out... You have had 2 unsuccessful relationships ..... maybe she doesnt want to get attached to your new BF incase he doesnt stay???

I had the same thing with my DD and it was SO bad still after a year that I was close to ending the relationship until I sat her down and said that BF was with us for the long term and I hoped he would stay and that he wanted to stay long term too etc etc and it was like a light bulb going off in her head
Her whole worry was that he was going to be like the other men in her life had been (inconsistent and had walked out - dad included)
And there had only been her dad and 1 other so not like there had been a long line!

Just a thought................

Edited to add; We werent living together so not sure if that had a baring on things thou??

Thanks i know what you mean.

Her biological dad she has never known or seen, we discuss him at times and at the moment she is not interested but she knows i will always help her to meet him if it's what she wants.

Her stepdad is lovely, we split due to a reason i dont want to put BUT she never suffered and was brought up in a happy home as i hid a lot of how i felt. It wasn't till the end when i had, had enough that she started picking up on the vibes and arguing so i ended things. Very hard for her to understand as she never knew what was going on as i never wanted her growing up in a miserable house like i did as a child so yes shock for her.

Like i said she has a mum and dad that love her, she has a lovely house and friends, does well at school and is happy BUT pinning it down it is the moods with me and the refusing to do ANYTHING with us that i, infact we both struggle with. Oh is out tonight so going to have another proper heart to heart with her, cant keep going over the same ground though which is where things never change and doesnt help her.