My daughter dislikes my partner..

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

Thanks ill try respond best i can to all questions

Her 'Dad' as in biological one was not a great dad, he used to hurt me and cheat on me..without going into detail he left me thank god for someone else my daughter was only a few weeks old so although she never saw anything she is now old enough to know he exists but we dont know where he is.

I then met who i call her dad (although my dd doesn't and has always called him by his name) and we were together 12 years, he brought her up and he's the one she sees still and all is ok between us despite the split.

She is a happy child as it goes but has more fed up moments with me. She does very well at school and has lots of friends, she can just turn on me and brings me and me OH down with her which is starting to impact on us as a couple.

As for me moving in with this man, we told her it would happen eventually and left it 6 months and nothing improved so we thought why not as whats to change..as it goes nothing. Yes he is the reson she avoids doing anything with us but her answer literally is 'he's *** dad'?

We have been on 2 holidays and she has ruined both of them to the point where we have decided not to take her next time..how bad do i feel but how many times do i let it happen?

do you really do that? im shocked. he isnt her dad in her mind. you shouldnt be calling him that.

i think you made a mistake telling her that it would happen, and then that was it, no discussion, no regard for her feelings.

i know you said a counsellor would be a last resort but maybe some kind of joint therapy would be beneficial. shes obviously not happy. and i cant see you leaving her out of the next family holiday is going to improve things.

pukkamum

My little sister was exactly the same with my mum's new partner she was around 12/13 very close to her dad and hated my mum's very lovley partner being around.
She would completely ignore him and i mean completely, once he came in and asked her if she would like a drink and she didn't even acknowledge that he had spoken!

My mum basically ignored it and told her partner to do the same, so he continued to try always making an effort, talking to her etc (even though more often than not he was ignored) by not pandering or making a big deal of her behaviour she soon got fed up and realised that the only person she was making miserable was herself.

Now 15 yrs down the line they are great friends and she will often go to him for advice etc.

So my thoughts are for you both to bite your tongues don't give her the reaction she is expecting ie causing problems in your relationship and getting into arguments with her about it and she will soon get fed up.

pukkamum

P.s please don't exclude her from your next holiday you will only be justifying her behaviour, in her mind it will be because he hates her, you don't want her to be around and you love him more than her (i'm sure none of this is true but in her mind it will be and you can guarantee this is what she will tell others!!), I think most teens spoil parts of even biological families holidays i know i was appalling on quite a few at that age.

Brighton_belle

Jelly*baby wrote: »

. Yes he is the reson she avoids doing anything with us but her answer literally is 'he's *** dad'?

This seems to be a key issue - I wonder if she feels it's like she has a spy in the camp, who will never ever put her first before her best friend, IYSWIM.
It's like she has no privacy, because maybe she feels her friend will always be told what she said and did etc.

Also/or, is there a loyalty to her friend issue, that he should be going out somewhere with her, not your DD, even though the friend seems to be more ok with it all that your DD?

She first knew him in a competely different dynamic, that of just BF's dad. It is very hard to change to a new dynamic I think

A very tricky one, and alas, I have no useful suggestions and feel for all 3 of you.
She can't feel relaxed in her own home and you deserve your own shot at personal happiness.

Jelly*baby

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

do you really do that? im shocked. he isnt her dad in her mind. you shouldnt be calling him that.

i think you made a mistake telling her that it would happen, and then that was it, no discussion, no regard for her feelings.

i know you said a counsellor would be a last resort but maybe some kind of joint therapy would be beneficial. shes obviously not happy. and i cant see you leaving her out of the next family holiday is going to improve things.

We both as she grew up encouraged her to call him 'daddy' but she never did and doesnt to this day, she knows he isn't her 'dad' i guess so tricky now shes so old. Iv'e never forced her to say anything she doesnt feel comfortabel with.

We didn't tell her as such just said that as a natural progression we would end up moving in together, things never improved while we weren't living together so now we are things really arent any different.

I think maybe a counciller is my last option but i dont know..has anyone used one with children?

Jelly*baby

pukkamum wrote: »

P.s please don't exclude her from your next holiday you will only be justifying her behaviour, in her mind it will be because he hates her, you don't want her to be around and you love him more than her (i'm sure none of this is true but in her mind it will be and you can guarantee this is what she will tell others!!), I think most teens spoil parts of even biological families holidays i know i was appalling on quite a few at that age.

We took her away for a week on a lovlely trip..i can honestly say it was the worst and most stressful trip i have ever been on. It was very very hard work and we all ended up having a massive row due to the atmosphere and tension that built up. She was very selfish throughout most of it and very ungrateful.
We also went on another trip that was booked before i met OH, very expensive and i couldnt cancel so we decided to go and we added his dd and she came..again my daughter ruined it and told us in no certain terms that she only went due to her BF being there. This is when we said she wouldn't be going on another if she didn't respect what was put into it etc and she said she didn't care? We have a trip booked this weekend, dd is going to her shall we say stepdads and she is happy about this..i can assure you although i wish she could come it would be a disaster.

Jelly*baby

Brighton_belle wrote: »

This seems to be a key issue - I wonder if she feels it's like she has a spy in the camp, who will never ever put her first before her best friend, IYSWIM.
It's like she has no privacy, because maybe she feels her friend will always be told what she said and did etc.

Also/or, is there a loyalty to her friend issue, that he should be going out somewhere with her, not your DD, even though the friend seems to be more ok with it all that your DD?

She first knew him in a competely different dynamic, that of just BF's dad. It is very hard to change to a new dynamic I think

A very tricky one, and alas, I have no useful suggestions and feel for all 3 of you.
She can't feel relaxed in her own home and you deserve your own shot at personal happiness.

I understand what your saying and the simple answer is..i just dont know and cant pin point what it is. I know her BF probably feels as bad with her dad living elsewhere but is so different. I did in the start explain this to her without trying to compare them but just to try to get her to see it from other views but it didn't work. If we do things together i.e his dd and mine and go out she is lovely, will speak to him and act the way i would love her to all the time but as soon as his dd is out of the way bang back to normal.

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

We took her away for a week on a lovlely trip..i can honestly say it was the worst and most stressful trip i have ever been on. It was very very hard work and we all ended up having a massive row due to the atmosphere and tension that built up. She was very selfish throughout most of it and very ungrateful.
We also went on another trip that was booked before i met OH, very expensive and i couldnt cancel so we decided to go and we added his dd and she came..again my daughter ruined it and told us in no certain terms that she only went due to her BF being there. This is when we said she wouldn't be going on another if she didn't respect what was put into it etc and she said she didn't care? We have a trip booked this weekend, dd is going to her shall we say stepdads and she is happy about this..i can assure you although i wish she could come it would be a disaster.

do you not see a problem having booked a holiday for just you and your dd, and then you deciding that your boyfriend is coming and his dd?

im not surprised she ruined it. it was a holiday for her and her mum, that turned into a forced holiday with your boyfriend.

im beginning to understand more and more why your daughter feels the way she does.

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

We both as she grew up encouraged her to call him 'daddy' but she never did and doesnt to this day, she knows he isn't her 'dad' i guess so tricky now shes so old. Iv'e never forced her to say anything she doesnt feel comfortabel with.

We didn't tell her as such just said that as a natural progression we would end up moving in together, things never improved while we weren't living together so now we are things really arent any different.

I think maybe a counciller is my last option but i dont know..has anyone used one with children?

counselling isnt something shameful to be avoided. it seems like your daughter could use someone to talk to. someone who wont judge her. and i think eventually that you need to listen properly to your daughter. not just pay lipservice to what she says.

i think your reservations with a counsellor are based on fear. i think your scared that someone will tell you that what youve done is wrong. and you dont want to feel guilty. but your a parent and a working mother, guilt is part of your life whether you like it or not.

i get the impression that your daughter feels like shes never number one in your eyes, and from what youve written i can understand why she feels that way. at the moment what she feels is the most important thing you have to deal with.

Person_one

crazyguy wrote: »

The saying tar everyone with the same brush springs to mind here and the house is the OP'S not the daughters.

The 13 year old can't exactly move out and get her own place if she's not happy there though can she? The OP might own the house, but it is her childs home just as much as it is hers and she has just as much right to feel comfortable in it.

OP, I don't think you're a terrible parent at all, but please stop comparing your daughter to your partner's daughter. First of all, all people are different regardless of age, they are individuals and are bound to react a bit differently. Secondly, the friend is not dealing with the same issues, I'm going to assume she lives with her mum and comes to visit her dad at yours? She hasn't had to cope with a man she always knew as her mate's dad moving into her home, her safe private space and making it his home. She hasn't had to deal with a strange man sharing her bathroom, being there when she first wakes up in the morning, she hasn't had to adapt to not walking around in her nightie, to hiding her sanitary towels, to not being 100% fully relaxed in her only home.

Its a huge upheaval, please don't underestimate it, she needs time and sensitivity.