My daughter dislikes my partner..

summerday

I think Person one has made some valid points- we forget how hard it is being a teenager and going through puberty with hormones giving you emotional ups and downs and making your parents be the most embarrasing creatures on earth. All the things Person One mentioned are things that are of primary concern to a 13 year old girl.

Also because of her age, she may well prefer to spend a lot of time on her own in her room- I know I did- even if she only lived with you. With holidays too, lots of teenagers reach a point when they'd rather not be seen out in public with their parents, so it may again not be a personal thing against your OH. I was quite a lot like her when I lived with my biological Dad and Mum even.

Let her have her personal space, she is going through a very hormonal, difficult time. You are entitled to your happiness, so as long as you keep showing your DD that you love her and care about her and try to spend time JUST with her on occasions, without your partner, she will eventually accept things and find it easier to cope with I'm sure. It will help her sensitivities if you aren't too 'in her face' with lovey-dovey stuff like kissing etc- not sure whether this is an issue or not.

lostinrates

Jelly*baby wrote: »

We both as she grew up encouraged her to call him 'daddy' but she never did and doesnt to this day, she knows he isn't her 'dad' i guess so tricky now shes so old. Iv'e never forced her to say anything she doesnt feel comfortabel with.

Poor you, I can imagine how hard this is for you.

Perhaps she now feels, with reference to the part I quoted, somewhat validated and insecure in her relationships with your partners/her male rolemodels. She could even fear, deep down, relying on your new partner and that he too will be a stage in your lives, whose departure could cost her that oh so important relationship for teen girls...her best friend. and that one person to whom she'd vent about your boyfriend, she can't, because he is her dad.

I personally feel from your posts that it was too soon for him to move in, but its done, and I guess it might be very hard on the realtionship to continue it living apart. And more upheaval.

I also think, this considered, you are being very hard on her. Its a relatively short period of life in which she has had a lot of upheaval over which she has no control and is being blamed not just for her temper and sadness, but things like ruining the holidays (I'm sure she was frightful, but if no one had reacted then the damage would have been minimal). I think counselling, perhaps you and her together, is a good idea, but I also think you perhaps need to consider it might not all be ''her fault'' in that she might feel let down by you.

good luck.

Jelly*baby

Just to clear a couple of things up quickly before i go to bed.

The holiday was never just for me and her alone it was booked a long time ago and her dad was supposed to be going. It was talked over numerous times and discussed whether to lose the money (over £4k) or go, she said she would only go if her BF was allowed to come too so thats the reason we decided on it, it was not taken lightly i can assure you.

person one i have never 'compared' her to her BF merely asked her once why she thinks they deal with this differently to see if it helps her through how she is feeling?

I think about this all the time, i am not some heartless parent and wish at times it could be as easy as to walk away but i can assure you it isn't. I talk to her every day and am at a loss what to do.

Thansk for the replys i havent thanked.

Person_one

Jelly*baby wrote: »

person one i have never 'compared' her to her BF merely asked her once why she thinks they deal with this differently to see if it helps her through how she is feeling?

Even if you haven't intended to, if some of us have got that impression from your posts then isn't it possible she's felt that way too?

Please don't think we're criticising you (well most of us aren't) you're in a really tricky position, but I think you have to be wiling to take a step back, look at what you've done so far that hasn't worked and be willing to look at things in a new way.

Spend a bit of time putting yourself in the shoes of a 13 year old girl who suddenly has her best friend's dad living in her house and sharing a bed with her mum. Think about how that would feel minute to minute, the small practical things that aren't an issue for you but loom large to her. For example, when I was her age there was no way I'd be able to go for a number 2 with non-family members in the house!

What was the timing of the end of your last relationship and the start of this one?

starnight_2

I was that 13 yr old one time, I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, nvm having mum's BF around. Once we all moved in together, I spent as much time at school as possible and once I came home I went upstairs to my room, I'm sure the only time we really spent time together was at the dinner table, and that's if I couldn't figure out a way out of it, or just turn up late meaning everyone had already ate and I got the table to myself.

If I were your daughter, I'd be a bit put off by having all these talks, and feeling more awkward. And I know you say you're not comparing but as above put yourself in a teenage girls shoes, I certainly would have felt that way. or at least self-concious and tried to keep my distance. Put yourself in her shoes, she's feeling awkward and has no escape apart from her bedroom.

Of course don't let her mope, but give her time and space, try doing something together that she's suggested, if you can get one out of her

polkadot

My stepsister and I havent spoken in ten years,but we were once best friends...not quite the same situation but my dad and her mum had an affair (we didnt know until later).Both of us lived with our "other parents" for a few years before being moved in together.

It was never the same because suddenly having her round my house for the day wasnt about her coming to visit me-it was about visiting her mum...not the same. She was more outgoing than I was and brighter,so she always seemed to be first in line-to the point that as we finished school the same year and my dad couldnt afford to send both of us in the same year,I had to get a NMW job for the year while my dad paid for her to go onto tertiarry education-and of course she had to be able to drive to uni so she go a car and driving lessons etc and I had to "bum lifts" (we lived in South Africa where public transport doesnt exist) to work until I could afford to get myself on the road.

If you ask our parents now,they dont think they treated us any differently-she would tell you I was just jealous and I would tell you she was a spoilt brat who knew perfectly well how to manipulate anyone to get anything she wanted.

I was taken to councelors (to answer your question about childhood councelors),my stepmum always drove and always had the first session behind closed doors to fill in the "experts" why I was there.A few sessions later, my dad would say he wasnt taking me anmore because the councelor had told him that I was a compulsive liar who couldnt be helped.

When I had my own first child at the age of 26,I was admitted to hospital for PND.My dad asked to see my therapist once and afer his session was so angry...my therapist had told him he needed to stop trying the control and accept that he had made mistakes which had caused me to resent him,and that I was justified in a lot too.

I can completely relate to your daughter-she knows what it is like to not have your dad around,and now you are expecting her to do things with this man that daughters should do-her best friend,so you expect her to see her friend (I assume at school) and be able to say " well this is what I did last night" and relate her "normal family life",with her best friends dad whilst her best friend had to go to bed without a cuddle from her dad? And then when she is around-you expect her friend to share herself between her own dad-and your daughter-her best friend.And now to add to that, you are going on a holiday and sending her to stay with your ex partner?A man who really has nothing to do with her?

Like SDM says, if you do take her to councelling-you should be prepared to hear some harsh truth about yourself...and I say that in the nicest way possible.Please dont let it all get so far so your daughter ends up like me

Running_Horse

As someone who experienced this as a child, I am completely with the daughter.

In the unlikely event I became a single parent, there is no way I would move someone in who my child didn't feel comfortable with. Her childhood would always come before my relationships.

Always.

We use all kinds of self-justification to inflict our adult wishes on innocent children who have no say. But once that childhood is ruined, nothing will ever get it back, and nothing will fully restore that parent-child relationship.

scottishchick27

Running_Horse wrote: »

As someone who experienced this as a child, I am completely with the daughter.

In the unlikely event I became a single parent, there is no way I would move someone in who my child didn't feel comfortable with. Her childhood would always come before my relationships.

Always.

We use all kinds of self-justification to inflict our adult wishes on innocent children who have no say. But once that childhood is ruined, nothing will ever get it back, and nothing will fully restore that parent-child relationship.

How do you know how you'd feel in the OPs situation? I haven't commented as I agree with what you say NOW but who knows how I'd react if I was in her position.

JC9297

I agree with those that say it is about the fact that it is her best friend's dad you are living with, not just a new boyfriend. She probably thought he was a perfectly nice man as her friend's dad, but never imagined her mum would start having sex with him, which she probably finds gross.
At 13 I would have happily left my room just in undies to go and get something but if a new man moved into the house I'd have felt like I couldn't anymore, the thought of bumping into my mate's dad would have been awful. Things like this mean she can't be as relaxed in her home as before.
You say your last partner brought her up for 12 years from a baby, your current relationship has been going on for over a year and your daughter is 13, so it doesn't sound like there was much time between your last relationship ending and this one starting. Maybe your daughter isn't able to move on as quickly as you are, perhaps she misses her 'dad' and didn't have long enough to get used to not having him around before the new one moved in. Perhaps she would have liked some time just you and her.
I personally don't think she needs counselling, yes she is angry and confused but I think you are underestimating how much she 'should' be bothered by the changes you have made to her life.

Running_Horse

scottishchick27 wrote: »

How do you know how you'd feel in the OPs situation? I haven't commented as I agree with what you say NOW but who knows how I'd react if I was in her position.

The OP asked for opinions and advice, and I gave it based on painful personal experience. Would I act differently to what I said if in her situation? No, but that's just me. Children do not ask to be born or involved in our complicated private lives, and their welfare should always come first. I've had my life and chances, she hasn't. Simple really.