My daughter dislikes my partner..

cazziebo

Having been through daughter teenage hell twice now, your daughter's behaviour sounds pretty normal to me, despite what are quite difficult circumstances. Sounds like in the space of just over a year, she lost one parent, gained another, moved house, and now her best friend is a step sister. Wonder what score that lot would gain in a stressometer? Bear in mind, she's not loved up as you are.

I don't think she deliberately set out to ruin your holiday, she was just behaving like a 13 year old. My daughters could be nice as ninepence one minute, and devil's spawn the next. Don't read too much into this, don't make it into something it's not.

Jelly*baby wrote: »

We are a couple and whether right wrong, badly times etc both of us cannot just walk away from this now and dont want to so i have to find an even ground somewhere to try and please everyone.

You are also a parent, you can't walk away from that. It's more than likely you're only going to have your daughter at home for a few more years. If this man really is the one, he'll be there for the duration.

My advice is don't try to please everyone. Give your daughter a hug and put her back in the centre of your world. She should be your first thought and you and your bf should be fitting around her, not making her -at the age of 13 - fit around you. You're the adults here.

(oops, cross posted with RadoJo)

Gavin83

Im sorry if this question has already been covered but was you in any way involved with your current partner before you split with your ex? I guess what Im asking is if he was in any way responsible for the breakup?

Welshwoofs

cazziebo wrote: »

She should be your first thought and you and your bf should be fitting around her, not making her -at the age of 13 - fit around you. You're the adults here.

I'm going to be the lone voice that disagrees with the above.

I actually don't think the entire world should pivot around a child and that parents should 'fit in' with them in all things. In fact I think that half the problem with kids today stems from parenting that essentially teaches them that they're the centre of the universe....and then leaves them to get a nasty surprise when they enter the outside world and realise they're not.

To my mind, everyone in a family unit is of equal importance and it's about compromise and open communication. Sometimes a parent will need to fit around a child but equally, sometimes a child will need to fit around a parent's needs too!

Now there could be a multitude of reasons why the Op's daughter is acting the way she is, but I don't think the answer is to turn her into a little empress around which everyone else gravitates. The answer, in my view, is to extract from her information on what, exactly, is bugging her and have a reasonable discussion about it and how to move forward.

lostinrates

Welshwoofs wrote: »

I'm going to be the lone voice that disagrees with the above.

I actually don't think the entire world should pivot around a child and that parents should 'fit in' with them in all things. In fact I think that half the problem with kids today stems from parenting that essentially teaches them that they're the centre of the universe....and then leaves them to get a nasty surprise when they enter the outside world and realise they're not.

To my mind, everyone in a family unit is of equal importance and it's about compromise and open communication. Sometimes a parent will need to fit around a child but equally, sometimes a child will need to fit around a parent's needs too!

Now there could be a multitude of reasons why the Op's daughter is acting the way she is, but I don't think the answer is to turn her into a little empress around which everyone else gravitates. The answer, in my view, is to extract from her information on what, exactly, is bugging her and have a reasonable discussion about it and how to move forward.

well, on that point I certainly agree with you: i agree its not healthy to recolve a world around a child or to make them little emporers, and I certainly agree it happens a lot.

And, if I were OP, I'd try and take on board others comments about where its going wrong and address some of the issues myself, with my partner and with OP, but I wouldn't move out...despite think OP has moved this too fast for her child's comfort. The answer has to be to work on the issues in the situation as it stands IMO.

Welshwoofs

lostinrates wrote: »

And, if I were OP, I'd try and take on board others comments about where its going wrong and address some of the issues myself, with my partner and with OP, but I wouldn't move out...despite think OP has moved this too fast for her child's comfort. The answer has to be to work on the issues in the situation as it stands IMO.

It does sound as though it moved very fast, yes. However the plain fact is that you can't roll back the clock and it is what it is so now the Op has to manage the situation as best she can.

What strikes me from Op's posts is that there is no mention of what her daughter has said is upsetting her and what her daughter wants to happen. There's lots of mentions of talks and explanations, but no indication of what the daughter has communicated back. There are two things the Op needs to get to the bottom of:

1. What exactly is upsetting her daughter about the situation.
2. What exactly her daughter thinks will improve things.

So it seems to me that, rather than the lengthy explanations and justifications, the Op simply needs to ask her daughter outright what the issues are and let her know that she'll LISTEN to them without comment or judgement. Then they can work on #2 in a calm and mature way. Obviously if the daughter comes back with "I don't want him living with us" on the basis she doesn't like him, the Op will have to manage a frank talk along the lines of "Sorry, but he IS living with us. Now we can work on how best to accept that situation so you feel happier."

Jelly*baby

Just did a long reply and lost it so this will address the basics.

The holiday was booked with me, dd and my ex hubby, we split so it was discussed that my ex would take her instead but he couldn't so we asked her if she would go with me and my partner and she said yes as long as his dd could come which she did so that was that. We agreed despite it being so expensive we would cancel if she didnt want to go, it was her last holiday too due to exams so glad she went but it was hard work at times.

I have been to her dads tonight to discuss a few issues this week, his idea to talk things through but it didnt go well. Basically he backs me when he wants to and if its convienient and although i said she was grounded he has went against what i said, this weekend he has her and she sat there and said she could do what she liked while at his and sat there finding it all very funny..this is when i broke down and said that i had no support off my ex and they were both punishing me for what i have done..i was upset so left and wish i hadn't gone as feel a waste of time. Basically while at his she does what she likes and with me im the terrible mother.

I know what i have done is wrong, hurtful for her..everything bad you guys have said is true but the long and short of it is i have tried EVERY option i can think of and am at a loss. I sit with her and talk, cuddle her and we chat and things are ok for a few hours then she decides actually she hates me..what do i do? pack OH bags and say sorry? i can't and if that makes me selfish then yes i am.

dirtysexymonkey

Jelly*baby wrote: »

Just did a long reply and lost it so this will address the basics.

The holiday was booked with me, dd and my ex hubby, we split so it was discussed that my ex would take her instead but he couldn't so we asked her if she would go with me and my partner and she said yes as long as his dd could come which she did so that was that. We agreed despite it being so expensive we would cancel if she didnt want to go, it was her last holiday too due to exams so glad she went but it was hard work at times.

I have been to her dads tonight to discuss a few issues this week, his idea to talk things through but it didnt go well. Basically he backs me when he wants to and if its convienient and although i said she was grounded he has went against what i said, this weekend he has her and she sat there and said she could do what she liked while at his and sat there finding it all very funny..this is when i broke down and said that i had no support off my ex and they were both punishing me for what i have done..i was upset so left and wish i hadn't gone as feel a waste of time. Basically while at his she does what she likes and with me im the terrible mother.

I know what i have done is wrong, hurtful for her..everything bad you guys have said is true but the long and short of it is i have tried EVERY option i can think of and am at a loss. I sit with her and talk, cuddle her and we chat and things are ok for a few hours then she decides actually she hates me..what do i do? pack OH bags and say sorry? i can't and if that makes me selfish then yes i am.

im taking from that that you cheated on your ex with your current partner? is that right?

POPPYOSCAR

OP, I must say I do feel for your daughter, 13 can be such a difficult age at the best of times without all your daughter has had to contend with.

What about her grandparents or other family members could they not take her out somewhere nice one day and try to talk things through with her?

Please resist the temptation to leave her out of things because she makes them difficult she will feel like you are rejecting her. I have personal experience in my family of a 13 year old girl being rejected by her mother for her partner and it has had lasting consequences for them both much later on.

Jelly*baby

Welshwoofs wrote: »

It does sound as though it moved very fast, yes. However the plain fact is that you can't roll back the clock and it is what it is so now the Op has to manage the situation as best she can.

What strikes me from Op's posts is that there is no mention of what her daughter has said is upsetting her and what her daughter wants to happen. There's lots of mentions of talks and explanations, but no indication of what the daughter has communicated back. There are two things the Op needs to get to the bottom of:

1. What exactly is upsetting her daughter about the situation.
2. What exactly her daughter thinks will improve things.

So it seems to me that, rather than the lengthy explanations and justifications, the Op simply needs to ask her daughter outright what the issues are and let her know that she'll LISTEN to them without comment or judgement. Then they can work on #2 in a calm and mature way. Obviously if the daughter comes back with "I don't want him living with us" on the basis she doesn't like him, the Op will have to manage a frank talk along the lines of "Sorry, but he IS living with us. Now we can work on how best to accept that situation so you feel happier."

Thanks yes you have hit the nail on the head and we have done the above numerous times.

What is upsetting my daughter when i ask her: The fact OH lives with us as it is embarrasing.

What would she like to happen? I get no responce..i would take a wild guess on it being he moves out.

All her friends know about him and dont bat an eye lid when they come round so its not like she feels arkward because they are saying/doing something but in her head she doesnt see it like that i guess.

Jelly*baby

Dirtysexymonkey..no what makes you think i cheated?

POPPYOSCAR i try i really do try to include her in what we do BUT she bluntly refuses..tbh we are at home most of the time but times like food shopping, going for a walk she wont come so what do i do drag her? we have taken her out for meals which a year ago she was fine and now refuses not sure why. We now stay in all the time and go out when she is at her dads or a friends ect.