Should I be worried?

RainbowDreamer

I saw my solicitor to change the access that my childrens dad has them. I wanted to reduce it to weekends only (2 days and nights) as dad being involved with nursery is having a negative impact on my eldest child.

He has retaliated (sorry can't spell that one) by reporting me to social services on 4 occassions. One of these reports resulted in a home visit to me while the children were at dads. I was basically accused of not looking after the children, of hitting them and abusing them.
SS have closed the case and are happy with me as a mother.

He has applied to court for full residensy of the children and wants to allow ME a contact order to my children with conditions (such as who I am allowed to be around with my children).

Accussations on the court report have been made that I do wash my children, do not care for them properly. That I am in a violent relationship where there is also violence towards my children.

I am due in court soon, and to be honest I am worried of what it will be like, as I have no idea what happens in these hearings. Cafcass will be speaking to both parents over the phone before the hearing I have been told.

I have my own concerns re when the children are with their father, but as most things, its hard to prove when you do not have proper evidence.
But surely if I cannot provide concrete evidence for genuine concerns and issues, then he has no change of being believed over false accussations?

Has anyone experienced hearings re child custody? I have been adviced that the first hearing will more than likely be adjourned so that further investigations can be made.

I have no idea what to do or say in this hearing, my solicitor has not given me much to go off. And I am not looking forward to facing him and his family as I find them intimidating and as a result I am feeling more and more stressed the closer I get to the hearing.

Why can't life be simple eh?

Sorry for the long post.. hope it makes sense. Just writing it down has made me feel better.

basketcase

Can't be an awful lot of help on the legal aspects, but I've felt like you (about a maintenance hearing, not custody) and a few things strike me.

1 - Don't look at it as facing him and his family. You're going to give your side of the story to an impartial judge. If they try to intimidate you in court, the judge will see it.

2 - If Social Services were happy to close the cases he tried to raise before, do you have (or can you get) written confirmation of that from them?

3 - Does the nursery agree about the negatice impact? If so, get them to jot down something you can take with you.

4 - The more written back-up you can get of your suitability, the better.

Don't worry about what to say. If in doubt, tell the judge that! Also, ask your solicitor to clarify any worries you have. You're paying for their advice, you should be getting it. But write down any questions you can think of before you ask them. It's easy to forget - and it's quicker tor ead them and tick them off from a list. (Time's money here, remember).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Be prepared for him producing a list or fake diary of a million and one occasions where he has noted a mark on a child (that never happened), stories about any boyfriends, children screaming that Mummy says Daddy's going to kill them, that they want to live with Daddy, asking why doesn't mummy love us anymore, bedwetting, knives left on floors, complete strangers walking up to him in the street and telling him your children are being abused, etc, etc.......plus anything you have ever said/not said/done/not done relating to his family - for example, saying 'No' to something his mother/sister wanted will turn into you becoming extremely aggressive and hitting one of them...


It's very, very nasty to suddenly find out you are supposed to be like that. But if you are at least prepared for some mud slinging, it's not such a shock if it happens (and if it doesn't, well, he's missed a trick and it'll most likely happen in a subsequent hearing).

RainbowDreamer

I have a report from nursery stating the positive's of my son remaining in education along with how he has built his confidence and developed since starting there (because his dad keeps informing me and them he shouldn't bother taking his because he "learns f all and doesn't want to go". I also have a statement from his key worker there about how dad responds when told his son has been removed from a situation or put in time out (he laughs at them about it, which has resulted in them now having problems with discipline as my son now laughs at them when disciplined).
I am trying to keep logs of comments my children made while with me that has come from their father, but it is hard as it is my word against his. I feel my points are valid to wanting to reduce access, but after the false accussations he has now made I feel that my points will now look minor and not be considered.
Such an inappropriate conversation with my eldest (when I disclipline him he now screams over and over at me "your in big trouble mummy, daddy's gonna hit you"), along with introducing the children to new girlfriends after seeing them only a week.. which is fine if it doesn't effect them, but it is confusing them as 2 homes are hard to get used to enough. He also stays over at female friends houses or girlfriends houses with the children resulting in more unstability.
I feel silly that I am allowing it to get me so worked up and effect me so badly. Behaviour is a big problem at the moment, along with the fear of my children going to dads with any bruises (both children headbutt in frustration and my eldest hits himself now.. which I think is to do with upset and confusion from the situation).

I want happy healthy children who feel comfortable and stable. At present I feel that my children are being effected and worry how this may effect them as they grow up, plus I feel that due to not being able to control the situation, I am unable to do anything to make the children feel more stable or happy and to be honest its killing me.

RainbowDreamer

JoJo I am prepared for that and much more. The only problem is I am one of those people who do not take well to confrontation. I have probably caused a lot of this myself by caving in time and time again because he knows if he threatens / scares me enough he gets what he wants. And I feel this is another of his tactics, that by being faced by him and his family in court with all these accussations that I will not be able to cope and will not be able to stand up for myself and therefore he will get his own way.
It just makes it so much harder that I have to face him twice a week. If I didnt have to see him so often I would cope with it much better. But there is no other choice as its beneficial for the children to see their dad (well.. in a round about way?).
I just doubt myself as to if I am strong enough to deal with months and months of this going on, seeing week after week it effecting my children more and more. And I have read negative experiences about cafcass favouring the fathers and believing their side without looking into the facts.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You don't have any choice, I'm afraid. If you give in, the next move will be to stop you having any unsupervised access to your children, which means sitting in a draughty hall to be watched by staff for signs of addiction or violence for an hour before your little ones are taken away again. Then he'll stop those contact centre visits and the latest girlfriend will be introduced as 'your new Mummy'.


You have to stand up and be strong for your children. Move away from the idea of the different girlfriends, as that is easily dismissed as a jealous ex, but concentrate on such nuggets as 'Daddy's going to hit you' as that's not a normal thing for a child to say.



I can't hold your hand and tell you it's all going to be fine, as he probably wants to tear you to pieces and completely destroy you. I can't guarantee that it will all work out in the end. I can't say that your ex will inevitably win and there's no point trying to stand up to him and his family.


But I can warn you of the kind of things to expect and that if you don't do it, you will be without your children forever.


So you have to do it.

RainbowDreamer

Your right, I am not going to just give in, I am going to battle for my childrens well-being and happiness. I am not trying to prevent access and I am not making false accussations. So I am hoping if I just go there and be honest about the situation and be honest about any accussations he has made, then they will see me for what I am.. a good mother who trys hard to do the right thing and who trys to help the children grow up knowing what is right and wrong and who are learning in the way that will help then in the future.
I am very open to any checks they would like to carry out. Whether it be home-checks, talks with nursery ect ect. Anything I can do to prove I am a good mother for my children I will bend over backwards to do.
It's just a shame that some people do things to benefit themselves and miss the impact it has on their children. I see all this as trying to achieve what is beneficial to the children. Whatever decision they come to aslong as the children are happy with it, then it doesnt matter what him or me think.. the kids are what matters.

NAR

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

That I am in a violent relationship where there is also violence towards my children.

Is there any truth in this?

RainbowDreamer

NAR it is 100% lies. Social services visited me, they asked about a mark on my eldest child's face and also about a bruise on my youngest child's forehead. She made it clear that after speaking to me on the phone she already had it in her mind to close the case, but obviously will allegations such as violence she needed to do the home visit. She also spoke to my eldest about him and my youngest to ask him how the bruise etc got there and my son was very honest. His story obviously matched mine etc.
No doubt my partner will now be investigated, but again this will all come back clear.

I won't lie. My kids do have bruises frequently. Mainly my youngest on his forehead due to only just starting to toddle around. They both have picked up headbutting when told no or upset etc. But my youngest has now started doing this frequently as if it is a hobby!! But there is not much I can do apart from what I am already doing.

I log any marks or bruises they now get, along with how they got it with dates and times. Any marks my eldest gets from nursery is now put in the accident book even if its the slightest bruise or knock, as they are aware of the current situation.

princessdreamer

He will lie, his family will lie, his friends will lie and so will the latest girlfriend. Be prepared to hear the most evil lies and stand dignified in the face of it. I am a strong believer in the truth will out. My ex is like yours but has backed down and run away (for now) as my oldest son stood up to him. The younger the children are the harder it is.

Acc72

Although it may be too simplistic, I do think that if both parents behave reasonably in these circumstances then it actually results in far fewer problems, and does not negatively impact the child(ren) as much.