Should I be worried?

make_me_wise

DUTR wrote: »

I don't know if there is anything you can do,however I must confess you do come across as slightly aggressive in your posts and always up for a fight, all I can suggest is that you start being more diplomatic and gentle in your attitude, accept the fact that you do not call all the shots

Im not trying to bash you DUTR, most of the time I agree with things you write. This time I was just saying I hold a different point of view to you. What is the above if not an opinion you have of the OP?

DUTR

make_me_wise wrote: »

Im not trying to bash you DUTR, most of the time I agree with things you write. This time I was just saying I hold a different point of view to you. What is the above if not an opinion you have of the OP?

Fair do's , I'm not forming an opinion on the OP as mentioned, let me just re-quote the post with the bits highlighted that IMO raise concerns
"I saw my solicitor to change the access that my childrens dad has them. I wanted to reduce it to weekends only (2 days and nights) as dad being involved with nursery is having a negative impact on my eldest child.

He has retaliated (sorry can't spell that one) by reporting me to social services on 4 occassions. One of these reports resulted in a home visit to me while the children were at dads. I was basically accused of not looking after the children, of hitting them and abusing them.
SS have closed the case and are happy with me as a mother.

He has applied to court for full residensy of the children and wants to allow ME a contact order to my children with conditions (such as who I am allowed to be around with my children).

Accussations on the court report have been made that I do wash my children, do not care for them properly. That I am in a violent relationship where there is also violence towards my children.

I am due in court soon, and to be honest I am worried of what it will be like, as I have no idea what happens in these hearings. Cafcass will be speaking to both parents over the phone before the hearing I have been told.

I have my own concerns re when the children are with their father, but as most things, its hard to prove when you do not have proper evidence.
But surely if I cannot provide concrete evidence for genuine concerns and issues, then he has no change of being believed over false accussations?

Has anyone experienced hearings re child custody? I have been adviced that the first hearing will more than likely be adjourned so that further investigations can be made.

I have no idea what to do or say in this hearing, my solicitor has not given me much to go off. And I am not looking forward to facing him and his family as I find them intimidating and as a result I am feeling more and more stressed the closer I get to the hearing.

Why can't life be simple eh?

Sorry for the long post.. hope it makes sense. Just writing it down has made me feel better.

The bits in red concern me that it is not to calm responsible adults that have split up, but two at logger heads with neither prepared to compromise.
OP The family courts run differently to criminal courts but at the end of the case once a compromise is rached then both parties sign the agreement and if either defaults (excuses are not valid) then that party shall be deemed in contempt.
My friend as represented himself where the Mum wanted to change restrict access etc. He gets to see the children as agreed, and it is nice to see that both have them have to ask and agree with one another to any change eg birthdays , holidays etc.

princessdreamer

The bits in red sound like someone who has had enough. I have never been to court re access and hope never to, after a year of ex not bothering and my children being of an age to have an opinion of their own. It is very easy to come accross as the bitter ex without all the facts. My posts come accross as very blunt and cold, however that is just how I type. My own solicitor describes me as too soft.

For an amicable relationship it takes two people to behave like adults which in some cases is impossible. If you have the answers please do tell, I am not even allowed to tell my ex how the children are as his girlfriend calls this harassment, she does not want my children interferring with her family. By that at the time it ment her, my husband and her child by someone else. Not my problem as my oldest will leave school soon and has his own mind, the younger boy will be going to seniors and the youngest well time will tell if he ever sees her.

RainbowDreamer

DUTR wrote: »

I don't know if there is anything you can do,however I must confess you do come across as slightly aggressive in your posts and always up for a fight, all I can suggest is that you start being more diplomatic and gentle in your attitude, accept the fact that you do not call all the shots

Sorry DUTR it was not intended to come across as aggressive. I would say I come across a lot more angry or defensive posting on here because I am using it partly as an outlet. Though when it is with solicitors etc, I am very very careful with what I say and I think it over many times before bringing up a point.. as I am all too aware that it is easy to think of ME and MY wishes instead of the childrens. So I try to take a step back and think it over to ensure that the kids wishes are my main focus and drive in anything that I do.

DUTR

princessdreamer wrote: »

The bits in red sound like someone who has had enough. I have never been to court re access and hope never to, after a year of ex not bothering and my children being of an age to have an opinion of their own. It is very easy to come accross as the bitter ex without all the facts. My posts come accross as very blunt and cold, however that is just how I type. My own solicitor describes me as too soft.

For an amicable relationship it takes two people to behave like adults which in some cases is impossible. If you have the answers please do tell, I am not even allowed to tell my ex how the children are as his girlfriend calls this harassment, she does not want my children interferring with her family. By that at the time it ment her, my husband and her child by someone else. Not my problem as my oldest will leave school soon and has his own mind, the younger boy will be going to seniors and the youngest well time will tell if he ever sees her.

Princess, for me if the OP has had enough then they should just say they have had enough, like you I have not been to court for access etc, and not likely to, I'm just not into the fight thing.
Perhaps the wording I used earlier was not great , the the bits highlighted in red is what I see as 'gung ho' whilst on the forum I 'm the only one with a differing view, in the real world others may share the same angle, so it is something for the OP to consider not act upon
I don't thik it adds value to reply to some OP's with words they want to read rather than what is an option

RainbowDreamer

Also may I add that I in no way try to call the shots. In the 2 years we have been apart I have done everything in my power to allow the childrens father to spend as much time as possible with them. At Christmas, birthdays etc I arrange with him so that he have half the day each (when we on speaking terms a few months ago and before that anyway), I would discuss with him holidays and be flexible to him having them more days at half term and if he wanted to take them away for a whole week I would of happily allowed this. In fact.. I am not sure if this will explain how I over think things.. but I have been worrying about how to arrange this Christmas. We are now in a position where were no longer communicate apart from at the front door. I am no longer supposed to discuss anything like access with him, it has to go through solicitors. And I know from speaking to my solicitor that at this first hearing nothing will be decided or discussed as such it will just be adjourned for further investigations. So I am busy worrying how I am going to arrange the kids seeing their father on Christmas Day... and how to organise that without speaking to him and with him refusing to discuss anything with him.

In regards to nursery I take on board the points, which is why I asked the question in the first place. To clarify in my own mind if I am being reasonable wanting him to take my eldest to nursery on the day he has them. I want him to go to nursery for the governments recommended time because it will help him when he starts school next year. Also if dad doesn't take him to nursery now he will have the same outlook at school (which I could get fined for if he doesnt attend). Also.. he does sit them infront of the tv as someone else suggested. If he took them out and did fun things with them I wouldn't see nursery as much a major issue.
Also.. if you look at it from the point of view of my son.. if he doesn't go to nursery when at dad's, that is 3 and a half full days spent with dad. Yet only 4 afternoons with his mum and the rest at nursery. I also know that at present the more time not spent with dad is less time being engaged into inappropriate conversations and being put into confusing situations. It is hard to explain so that it makes sense. I also want him to see that dad see's education as a good thing.

An example of how dad works is my son said to me earlier "I don't want to talk you mummy. I can't talk to you anymore". When I asked him "why", his reply was "daddy said so". And imo this is not the sort of thing you should be saying to your son.

I apologise if I come across as controlling.. or bitter.. etc. I am not, it is just hard to get out so many things that are whizzing round my head that it sort of all "spills" out in a ranting type style.
I do not discuss this with family or friends, so I suppose as this is my only outlet it is sort of coming out at full speed.

DUTR

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

Sorry DUTR it was not intended to come across as aggressive. I would say I come across a lot more angry or defensive posting on here because I am using it partly as an outlet. Though when it is with solicitors etc, I am very very careful with what I say and I think it over many times before bringing up a point.. as I am all too aware that it is easy to think of ME and MY wishes instead of the childrens. So I try to take a step back and think it over to ensure that the kids wishes are my main focus and drive in anything that I do.

Need not apologise to me, it's easy for us to sit on the outside, and sometimes it is the outside vision that is required.
I don't see my child, one of the reasons though is that I won't be fighting anybody and it is certainley not the Mother that is going to have all the say on the matter.
The child is an independant character that just so happens to share the same skin flesh and bones of the parents.

RainbowDreamer

Also wanted to add.. that if he in the near future looked after the children with their needs and feelings being considered, and stopped the inappropriate things that he does that are currently effecting them, then I would be more than happy to have shared residency with him and to allow him to get the same time and fun with the children as I do. But right now, I cannot even consider that.

DUTR

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

Also may I add that I in no way try to call the shots.

I apologise if I come across as controlling.. or bitter.. etc. I am not, it is just hard to get out so many things that are whizzing round my head that it sort of all "spills" out in a ranting type style.
I do not discuss this with family or friends, so I suppose as this is my only outlet it is sort of coming out at full speed.

From what my friend said when he attended, it is not a case of he said she said, the main outcome will be a resolution that suits both parents, with the children's interest being the principle.
Changing the midweek day to a day from the Nursery day may be a resolution, nobody wins or loses that way and a compromise has been reached .

RainbowDreamer

If you mean swap one of my days in the week of having the boys to one at the weekend, he won't allow it. In the 2 years we have been apart I have not spent a full saturday or sunday with the children as he won't allow it.