Should I be worried?

make_me_wise

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

I have a report from nursery stating the positive's of my son remaining in education along with how he has built his confidence and developed since starting there (because his dad keeps informing me and them he shouldn't bother taking his because he "learns f all and doesn't want to go". I also have a statement from his key worker there about how dad responds when told his son has been removed from a situation or put in time out (he laughs at them about it, which has resulted in them now having problems with discipline as my son now laughs at them when disciplined).
I am trying to keep logs of comments my children made while with me that has come from their father, but it is hard as it is my word against his. I feel my points are valid to wanting to reduce access, but after the false accussations he has now made I feel that my points will now look minor and not be considered.
Such an inappropriate conversation with my eldest (when I disclipline him he now screams over and over at me "your in big trouble mummy, daddy's gonna hit you"), along with introducing the children to new girlfriends after seeing them only a week.. which is fine if it doesn't effect them, but it is confusing them as 2 homes are hard to get used to enough. He also stays over at female friends houses or girlfriends houses with the children resulting in more unstability.
I feel silly that I am allowing it to get me so worked up and effect me so badly. Behaviour is a big problem at the moment, along with the fear of my children going to dads with any bruises (both children headbutt in frustration and my eldest hits himself now.. which I think is to do with upset and confusion from the situation).

I want happy healthy children who feel comfortable and stable. At present I feel that my children are being effected and worry how this may effect them as they grow up, plus I feel that due to not being able to control the situation, I am unable to do anything to make the children feel more stable or happy and to be honest its killing me.

I dont think you are aware of how articulate and clever you are. After spending years being pushed around and undermined by your ex that is not surprising. What I have highlighted above are signs of emotional abuse taking place.

Your exs manner and conduct are detrimental to the solid development of your children. I am sure if you sat down calmly you could sadly come up with many more examples of this. Emotional abuse can be so subtle that it can be mistaken for someone seeming out of order or having a bad day. Not acceptable but not enough to make a fuss over. Except where that emotional abuse effects your childrens wellbeing.

Think hard and note everything down and give it to your solicitor. A good solicitor will notice a pattern in this destructive behaviour and it can be used to prove who is the parent to be wary of.

RainbowDreamer

make me wise I have been logging some comments and behaviour. But I am very good at doubting what is a necessary thing to bring up and what will be seen as me nit picking or being bitter. I am trying very hard to focus on the kids, and not allow my own emotions to come into this. Which is very hard for any parent. And I suppose because in a way I enable their father to control me, I guess in the same way I am enabling him still to effect my reasoning and behaviour in all this.. in the sense that I am doubting I will be believed and that he will come across as mr perfect and I will be seen as coming up with points that are not reasonable.

Last week I struggled hugely with both childrens behaviour. I have never ever seen them like this before and at points took time out myself to have deep breaths and to try and tackle it. I know deep down that they are both being effected in a very confused way. My eldest child CAN express himself in words, but recently has instead resulted to hurting himself or screaming and not telling me what is wrong.
Though I cannot say how they behave at their fathers because I am not there. But when questioned dad will say they are perfect at his, sleep well, there are never any problems etc. Which is what he will say in court and his family will lie and back him up.

I am very wary of using words such as emotional abuse, but to some degree I do agree. I am not sure what I think of my solicitor so far, I will have to see how helpful he is. I have mentioned before that me seeing the children's dad is effecting me in a negative way. And have also told him that I wanted to reduce the contact as planned, but was advised if I do this it will look badly on my part when it goes to court. But I am thinking to myself.. is it better to look worse in court, but have less negative effects on my children.. or to take the solicitors advice... and let this continue for another 4/5 months and allow it to keep effecting them more and more?

I apologise to keep waffling. My mind is whizzing round with all these thoughts and I am not the greatest at explaining myself. But it is helping me to write it all down as its getting it out and releasing the load a little.

clearingout

if it helps, the court process itself isn't anywhere near as terrifying as you perhaps expect. I found all judges I dealt with (3 in the end) were very personable people who impressed me no end with their ability to take huge amounts of information being thrown at them, digest it and come up with a response that shows they've listened, heard, understood and 100% of the time understood to the point of knowing exactly what (who) the problem is. Not only that, but they had a knack of somehow telling my ex what an idiot he is without getting his back up. Or maybe he has more self control than I think he has.....

Try not to worry about him appearing the reasonable one and making you out the banshee with some serious mental health and violence issues. I went through this - and my ex is psycho(therapist) so had more reason than most to say 'she's mad, m'lord' but it went in one of the judge's ears and out the other (you could almost see that happening!).

Of course, you hear of horror stories but I am sure you will be fine. Keep calm and keep child focused. I was told to dress 'mumsy' by someone I know who's father is a judge and the words used were 'anything short of an alice band'. In other words, no recent haircut, clear nail varnish, low-heeled shoes, plain dress/shirt/blouse but not a suit, sort of smart casual rather than dressed to impress (like a job interview). Apparently this stands out against the power-suited ex husband shouting about his rights (rather than those of the children). I don't know if it's true but if you're the type to wear 4 inch heels with 2 inch blood-red nails, it's probably sensible to tone it down! Of course, high heels and make up don't make you a bad mother but they might give an older, traditional judge the impression that you, rather than the children, come first.

I eventually got the outcome I was looking for, despite a shared care situation which had gone on for 18 months. CAFCASs very much saw through it all when they did their report (which was also very impressive in terms of it's neutrality) and I got what I wanted. Thinking of you.

RainbowDreamer

I normally wear jeans and a t-shirt. But was going to wear black trousers, black shoes and a relaxed type shirt. I think I am more worried that it is not family courts that he has applied for. He has applied to the court that deals with child abuse etc. Which is much more serious and I am guessing will be treated much more harshly. I just hope he gets a telling off for wasting their time with false accusations.

Caroline_a

Yes def dress 'mumsy' - worked for me, especially as my ex had told a whole load of lies about me going clubbing every night!! :rotfl:

I would say that it is up to your ex to show proof of whatever he throws at you, rather than you having to prove you didn't if you see what I mean. So if he says you are violent and abusive, the question then is how do you know?

Don't worry, it will be fine. Any judge worth his salt won't let him intimidate you, and also remember he can't speak unless it's his turn!

clearingout

I think they do checks pre-court and if there is nothing at all on your Social Services record (other than ex husband making up all sorts of rubbish), I would think there's nothing at all to worry about.

RainbowDreamer

Thank you for all your replies. It is hard not to feel rubbish with all that is going on. I sort of feel like I have failed as a mother and that my life is falling apart around me. I think it makes it harder that I do not really have friends or family to support me through this. I am a single mother and am sort of on my own with everything. But staying in each day just makes it so much harder. So this week I am determined to take the kids out to the park or somewhere interesting each day. The fresh air will do us all good.

RainbowDreamer

clearing out.. I have been told the only checks to be done before court are the CAFCASS safe guarding checks. Which is a very quick phone call from CAFCASS to both parents. But I have read its just simple questions to determine if the kids are at harm. And won't get into any in's and out's etc.

Hagar_uk

On the flip side. Your trying to take his kids away from him, even if its just midweek, of course he is going to angry, how he is going about it is all wrong, but I am sure if we heard his view he may have some quite legit reasons, and some of his reasons may just be miscommunication.

Mothers do tend to think they have the exclusivity in loving their kids, and once they themselves have no need for the fathers, think their kids don't either.

RainbowDreamer

Hagar.. I am reducing his access from 3 days and nights a week.. to 2 days and 2 nights a week.. how am I taking his children away from him? I have also said to my solicitor AND to him, that if certain changes were made I would increase it again.. ie, doing what benefits my eldest and taking him to nursery and doing it properly.
If I was being selfish I would be trying to take it away completely. But I am not thinking of me.. or him.. I am thinking of my children.