Shocked and desperately need advice!

Little_Miss_Winner

Hi taff,

And welcome to mse.

It's nice to hear the *other side of the story* and thanks for sharing with us, yes i know i was one of the guilty parties in asking how the debt was run up, but bearing in mind we don't know dizzy, yourself or family from adam.
It was a simple question, as she had come onto the board seeking advice as to how to get the debt into some sort of order before tackling it, we all wondered if she knew how it had been acumalated. That was all.
We are not here to judge you, or anyone else.

We are all in the same boat.

I realise my post was/came across as harsh and have since apologised.:o

Anyway, i hope you both stick around these boards, and together we can all work out a plan of action, yes it may be tough at first but somehow i get the feeling that you are both soooo DETERMINED to do this.:T

You have admitted you are very lucky to have a wife as supportive as Dizzy, and i have a feeling that everything will turn out just fine.:beer:

hugs
pot

kate1967

Having read through this thread, I think the next step is obtaining all statements and working through this together so that all debt can be accounted for,just incase there has been something missed.
You can then work at building back the trust that has been lost.
I wish you lots of luck
Kate
xx

all_hours

taffgaff,

I just wanted to say you haven't been accused of gambling, it was only mentioned as a possibility.

I agree with moxie that there doesn't have to be a big secret problem to account for a large amount of debt.

Chrismojam

First of all, congratulations on the new babba!

Please do stick around the dfw board....everyone is soooo helpful and full of advice....

Hope you get things sorted.....I've heard cccs or payplan can be really good. Not sure how it affects joint accounts and stuff though. Either way, I am sure there will be other ways of tackling the debt....

I know it is all stressful, but your family is more important...I'm sure you both know that already....I hope you get/are getting whatever help you are entitled to/should be getting for your son....my nephew was diagnosed earlier this year....I don't have much contact with him sadly (but that's another story:rolleyes: )....

Hope things work out for you....XX

roxy7699

Hi dizzy,
My first thoughts would be to throw all your savings into this situation.
However, you do need to do a new SOA breaking down all the bill and debts etc as you do seem to fall short already. Perhaps if you dont use that money for your debts and do use it as a nest egg, you could use it to pay for your kiddies classes, and occasional treats for yourself such as a hair cut (although practically they should be in your SOA)Think of it as a gift from granny?

I think it will work itself out for you.

hypno06

Dizzy (and Taff) I have sent you a PM.

Actually it was so long I had to break it into 2 PMs!

(Yes, I talk too much:rolleyes: )

Dumyat

I think any questioning about how the debt accrued was about how to stop it spiralling further. it was not meant to be a slight on either of you. if you understand how the problem arose then it makes it easier to sort out.

I wish you luck. I'm sure now you are working together it will all get sorted out.

awaytogoyet

kate1967 wrote:

Having read through this thread, I think the next step is obtaining all statements and working through this together so that all debt can be accounted for,just incase there has been something missed.
You can then work at building back the trust that has been lost.
I wish you lots of luck
Kate
xx

I personally would put all my efforts in going forwards - not backwards & working together to beat the debt (try & see it as a challenge!). You seem to have a strong relationship, an 'up-for-it' spirit & I'm sure if you work together on it - you'll get there. Once you do & along the path of this journey, I think you'll both be even stronger for the experience.

If you start going back through every transaction on statements etc., you will arguably be wasting time and even worse recriminations may set in, which at this stage is totally negative and unecessary - keep positive & save all your energy for the challenge ahead.

I can see the point in analysing past expenditure and spending habits as part of the 'rehabilitation' process, but I believe at the point of the 'lightbulb moment' most people have a pretty good idea about how they came to be in this situation. I think the shock of realising your financial predicament at that point, is usually is all the therapy you need to permanently modify your spending behaviour from thereonin.

Whatever the reason - simply not earning enough to cover your outgoings, illness or other series of unexpected events, a compulsion/addiction, or a combination of all - the end result is the same!
You can't undo the past, so don't even try - you risk drowning in depression & despair - you must look forward to solve the problem.
Who is to stand in judgement about the reason/s? None of us are perfect, we've all made mistakes & two of the great things about this site are that it is largely non-judgemental and after reading it you don not feel so terribly alone! (not to mention all the great advice!).

Going forward, though (up to & way beyond debt settlement), I think you should both share in the financial management/planning for your household. I don't think that just 1 person in a relationship managing all the money matters & the other being in the dark about it, is really a good thing. This isn't because of trust, but practicality. Most of us are on tight budgets & 2 heads are better than 1 at creative financial management. I also think for the 1 person trying to manage it, it can quickly become a rather lonely burden & they will be reluctant to admit it isn't working out (they wrongly see it as a personal failure) - which is when debts can start to accumulate uncontrollably. A 'team effort' involving the kids as well, can make it more like fun (I don't say that lightly!)

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum & can understand your reluctance to use the money she has left you - that is a deeply personal decision & only you will know what feels right.
She has left you the money in love, though, & I am sure any Mum would support their child using it in the most practical & beneficial way to them, for their future. To use some of it, to make a start on your debt management journey may very well be a positive first step, that makes you feel more in control of it - rather than it being in control of you!

There has already been lots of great advice on trimming expenditure (I've dramatically reduced my outgoings thanks to the wonderful advice I've read on here).
Time now to think about increasing income also. Make a plan incorporating all the things people have suggested - Ebay, Booting, Cash-back sites, On-line surveys, Mystery Shopping etc. etc.
But, can you also do things around your children & pets? Some child-minding in your own home; dog-walking/holidays etc. etc.
Can you extend your Childrens Party Entertaining business to full party planning & offering products/services such as cakes, food, party bags, dressing up etc.?
As hubbie is working long shifts already, if you could develop a business from home, around your family that you enjoy - it could be fun & a great potential earner.
Apparently kids parties are really 'in' now, with people spending a small fortune on them. I would have thought there could be potential there in full-service party planning & providing all the products & services for busy Mums with cash to spare. Perhaps you could work with a few of your friends on this?

Anyway, I've rambled enough - I just wish you both every piece of good luck & future happiness - I'm sure you'll get there xx

Debt_Free_Chick

awaytogoyet wrote:

I personally would put all my efforts in going forwards - not backwards & working together to beat the debt (try & see it as a challenge!). You seem to have a strong relationship, an 'up-for-it' spirit & I'm sure if you work together on it - you'll get there. Once you do & along the path of this journey, I think you'll both be even stronger for the experience.

If you start going back through every transaction on statements etc., you will arguably be wasting time and even worse recriminations may set in, which at this stage is totally negative and unecessary - keep positive & save all your energy for the challenge ahead.p

I have to agree with this. Any time spent now in analysing past expenditure is likely to detract from the current dilemma - which is getting current expenses lower than current income. Don't waste time - focus on what you need to do NOW!

Also, analysing past expenditure is likely to lead to squabbles and possibly bad feeling as TaffGaff will need to justify what he spent (their) his money on. And he knows it was frivolous frittering ..... lesson learned?

Move on - tackle this head on. I still think you have one helluva battle, though. You (DDD & TG) need to make some major sacrifices to get within budget. It really won't be easy and I do hope you'll post back with a new budget as meeting those minimum repayments is going to be very, very tough

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum & can understand your reluctance to use the money she has left you - that is a deeply personal decision & only you will know what feels right.
She has left you the money in love, though, & I am sure any Mum would support their child using it in the most practical & beneficial way to them, for their future. To use some of it, to make a start on your debt management journey may very well be a positive first step, that makes you feel more in control of it - rather than it being in control of you!

Agree.

Would Mum want to see you struggle with debt repayments whilst "keeping" this in the bank?

View it as though you had borrowed against the inheritance and now the inheritance has to pay it back :T . You have an "emergency" fund in the form of the ISA. Sure, it's never great to withdraw money from an ISA, but you have your backs against the wall! :eek:

Focus on batting down your expenses and increasing your income. I really do feel for you - you have your work cut out.

Please let us know how you are getting on. Definitely post back if it looks like a mess - we CAN help :j

kate1967

At work we were always taught,
Plan. Do, Review...
And where most processes fall down it's because they are not reviewed..
To move forward you need to find what caused the problem in the first place and then you plan how to resolve, otherwise if you dont you could be in the same situation a couple of years down the line.
Dont mean to preach and perhaps I'm too pratical and perhaps will get shouted down for this post but that's my view..
I wish Mr & Mrs Dizzy lots of luck and I'm sure they will be able to work through this together.
Kate
x