Divorce - Is this fair?!

Lara44

If this happened to me, I would also be completely raging. However, you do need to have an open mind about this situation.

You have a whole host of different options which have been pointed out, mostly depending on if you want to keep your house or not. If you want to keep the house then you may have to take on the joint liabilities. It is not 'fair' but then sometimes things aren't. As Ras suggests you need to take control. Getting two lodgers would be a good idea, don't wait to get further into debt. You could offer short lets if you're not sure how to proceed.

Cutting down your expenditure is extremely important. It may help you to post an SOA in the DFW forum even if you think you already live frugally. You are effectively 'crowdsourcing' as other people might know about deals you don't. Can you not think about giving up your ex-husband's cats? Are there homes you could find within your extended family or friendship group that would allow you to still visit them?

I wish you the best of luck. At the end of the day it's only money, it is not as important as your health and life. It must have been an extremely stressful year, but things will get better.

gizmo111

Make a list of what is in his name what is in yours and what is joint - including the mortgage and the 2nd mortgage and see what you are liable for each.

adamantine

i think the OP should be aware that just because she goes BR doesnt mean she will lose the house. especially if its in neg equity atm.

she needs proper advice from a decent solicitor and insolvency practitioner.

i ended up having to go BR after my ex husband took out finance in my name without my knowledge and ran up debts then left me and our kids totally penniless. i went through the phase the OP is going through now where i blamed everyone but myself but then i had to accept responsibility that the monies owed were in my name and therefor my responsibility and i ended up having to go BR as there was no way i would have been able to clear the debt and he was expecting me to pay his debts without any money. it was honestly the best thing ive ever done. i just need to finalise the divorce now!

RAS

adamantine wrote: »

i think the OP should be aware that just because she goes BR doesnt mean she will lose the house. especially if its in neg equity atm.

she needs proper advice from a decent solicitor and insolvency practitioner.

i ended up having to go BR after my ex husband took out finance in my name without my knowledge and ran up debts then left me and our kids totally penniless. i went through the phase the OP is going through now where i blamed everyone but myself but then i had to accept responsibility that the monies owed were in my name and therefor my responsibility and i ended up having to go BR as there was no way i would have been able to clear the debt and he was expecting me to pay his debts without any money. it was honestly the best thing ive ever done. i just need to finalise the divorce now!

I am confused.

If you are not yet divorced, why could you not have used the financial settlement to insist (court ordered if need be) that you ex take responsibility for the debts your ex took out in your name? In a Civil Court the balance of probablities rules, which means that as long as it was likely that the debts were run up fraudulently, you could get them re-allocated.

By going BR before the divorce you place yourself in a much worse situation when it comes to the financial settlement.

gallygirl

Please read my whole response, not just the bit in red

dearlouise wrote: »

I can't rehome the cats. You can, but are choosing not to.

I can't move in with my mom.You can, but are choosing not to.

I don't have 'lots of things' to sell & that isn't an answer to long term problems. No, but it would be a start.

I can't remove him from the house without his agreement, as the property is mortgaged. Ok, this needs legal advice.

I can happily afford my own living costs, and my own debts. I just can't take on his too. This too needs legal advice - of a better kind than you have had so far!

How would I go about finding a lodger? That wouldn't rob me blind? As I have 2 spare rooms, so that might be an option.

Spareroom.com. gumtree, what about a noticeboard at work?

You have been left in a dreadful situation and I don't blame you for one minute for being so overwhelmed by it all. My advice to you is to try to empower yourself instead of being a victim. Trying to change your mindset seems the least of your worries but believe me I've been there and it really does make a big difference. So:

Cats: Yes, you COULD rehome them or have them put down or dump the ex's 2 back with him. But you are CHOOSING not to. Good for you, you are exercising control over the situation and making a positive choice :T.

Mum: Again, you COULD move in with her but are CHOOSING not to :T

Lodger: You are looking for this to fail by expecting to be robbed blind. Instead, take control and ask 'How can I get a reliable lodger?'

What can you do to increase your income? Could you take on an evening or Saturday job, mystery shopping etc? No saying 'I can't' - you CAN, but can choose not to .

I know you want practical help - but please try what I have suggested. I got myself out of a 'hopeless' situation by changing how I thought about things and taking back control.

Good luck.

DS4215

Sounds like you need to sit down with a list of all the debts - Yours, his and the joint ones. If he has turned around and said he isn't going to pay the joing ones then can't you just do the same with any that you are paying? Send him a letter back stating that you are willing to take on the payments for those debts but to do so you will have to stop paying the joint debts you were already paying and it will be up to him to make the payments....

Seriously though. This should all have been sorted as part of the financial settlement from the divorce.

katerinasol

I can understand not getting rid of the cats and I would get annoyed at people who suggested it. Pets become fully-fledged members of the family eventually and it would be like giving up your own kids. Absolutely not an option.

OP I can't help you out practically but I do hope you sort things out.

pinkshoes

dearlouise wrote: »

He agreed in January for me to live in the matrimonial home, as he has no interest in it (it's next door to my mother). The house is owned 3 ways between me, him and my mother. It's also in negative equity (between 20 & 50,000 we estimate), and not in a state to be sold in any way other than auction - so one of us has to take it on. There is also a £10,000 further advance on the property.

Firstly, I very much doubt you are going to be able to take on the house, as firstly you'd have to earn enough on your own to take over the mortgage (so maximum of 3.5x your salary), and secondly, you'd need to put down a 10% deposit, so would not only need to clear the negative equity, but also find money for the deposit.

Without this, you will NOT be able to take your husband's name off the deeds/mortgage.

dearlouise wrote: »

I have been left with 5 cats (2 of which were his before we moved in together) that cost me £174 a month - which he doesn't contribute to and I am expected to keep.

Why are you expected to keep them? Do you actually want them? Give him his two cats back, and either accept responsibility for the other three, re-home them, give them to him, or have them put down.

dearlouise wrote: »

My mother has been our saviour over the years when we have ran into bad luck.

Ran into bad luck?? No offence, but it sounds a lot like you and your ex have been rather foolish with money rather than had bad luck. I'd stay stop shirking responsibility and trying to play the victim, and get on with sorting this out.

Just sell the house for whatever you can get for it, work out EXACTLY how much debt you have, then both take out loans to pay your half of the debt.

If you don't do this, then it's going to drag on for years, and you'll both still be in debt.

fluffnutter

Seems rather a pickle when you already have a solicitor handling your divorce yet you feel the need to ask for advice on an internet forum. Sack the solicitor and reappoint someone else.

adamantine

RAS wrote: »

I am confused.

If you are not yet divorced, why could you not have used the financial settlement to insist (court ordered if need be) that you ex take responsibility for the debts your ex took out in your name? In a Civil Court the balance of probablities rules, which means that as long as it was likely that the debts were run up fraudulently, you could get them re-allocated.

By going BR before the divorce you place yourself in a much worse situation when it comes to the financial settlement.

there is no financial settlement. he was in worse debt than me!