Taxi...from an ugly duckling to a swan

lucielle

taxi73 wrote: »

I have 3 choices

somehow get over the fear and have the chemo..best option
stop chemo and die when I die
or end my life myself

Have you talked to DH about how your feeling, or anybody else?
L

elantan

Ok three choices ... Have you thought of the implications of the three? Would talking to the Samaritans help ? Things must seem very chaotic for you just now, but taxi you can get through this ...can we help in anyway ?

taxi73

I thought moving it to early morning would remove delays which it did yesterday morning and thought that I could do it
It takes all my strength to go in the chemo unit after having chemo the first time around but I was managing and the last few weeks have been awful...I've hit a brick wall and don't know why,my head has totally gone and I feel useless and stupid for thinking these things

taxi73

lucielle wrote: »

Have you talked to DH about how your feeling, or anybody else?
L

talked to hubby and he understands how I feel but not told him I feel suicidal he has loads on his plate

taxi73

elantan wrote: »

Ok three choices ... Have you thought of the implications of the three? Would talking to the Samaritans help ? Things must seem very chaotic for you just now, but taxi you can get through this ...can we help in anyway ?

I have done nothing but think of all the three choices
It's hard to explain... on the one hand I do want to live and know the chemo is the option to achieve that but just can't do it at the moment
this then leads on to letting the cancer do what it does and the anguish of that
or
put myself out of my misery which is selfish
my head is in bits and am hoping the hospital councillor gets in touch very very shortly and that they can help me or these tablets the day before and in the morning help
I can't stop crying and I'm not brave ..it's so hard

duchy

I think ..... when you're considered "strong" and you have a bloody ginormous wobble -you feel bad not just for yourself but for others too as they "expect" you to be strong (and worse you expect it of yourself) but ...the thing is...... everyone wobbles ........and it just proves you are human and it's very human to wobble but I do think you need to confide these feelings to someone......(well OK maybe you just did) like a McMillian nurse.....someone who can reassure you that your current reaction is entirely normal (whatever normal is

elantan

It is hard and made all the harder as you've been here before so know what's ahead, we can all read about horrific it is but unless youve been through it you will never truly know

Will delaying your chemo till next week make a difference ? Maybe having a week off it may help? Especially if you get the counselling in the mean time , do you want me to pm you my number? Any time I am night shift you can text me and I will phone you to chat or anything , do you have someone up with you just now ?

elantan

Very true duchy ... Hi btw

duchy

Hi back attcha (and to all the old Hynoites)

taxi73

spoke to nurses at the hospital and told them how I feel and was totally honest with them who said they'll refer me urgently to oncology councillor but you can't trust my hospital to do as they say..they said how I feel is normal but it doesn't help me stay and have treatment...
will try and call someone later
I was managing with great difficulty to have my treatment but I have a massive block now and I really do want to get over it but I can't and don't know why