Taxi...from an ugly duckling to a swan

Verbatim

Very wise words from Piq.

I agree that perhaps "one day at a time" is the mantra needed to get through this awful phase. Or even one hour, quarter of an hour etc at a time. Just one step forward is enough.

I also wonder whether the language used around cancer is always helpful? Rather than fighting terminology perhaps accommodating cancer, getting around it or even fooling it into acquiescence could seem less exhausting and impossible.

Always remember you are not a statistic: whatever the overall picture is individuals have individual responses and outcomes. You have been so positive and thoughtful about your life with cancer and one of your first posts in the early hours showed you knew what you wanted to do,

the first and best option is continue with the chemo,
(excuse the inexact quote please)

so now it's "just" a case of finding the "how". It doesn't sound to me that you're too keen on options 2 or 3.
Vxxx

beanielou

Taxi~sorry that this has come up for you.
Please dont ever apologise for how you feel.
I hope things get better for you.

mum2one

duchy wrote: »

Hope you finally got some sleep Taxi
Everyone needs to vent somewhere and you know you're with friends -but those dark, dark thoughts of yours I suspect aren't very unusual for someone in your shoes. You've battled through treatment once and thought -it was harder than I thought but this time you're going there with full knowledge of how tough it *can* be . There's an expectation that people battling cancer are going to be brave and valiant and bear it all with fortitude and a smile but I know many people who've admitted afterwards it was so bloody hard and they could only express the kind of feelings you have to professionals or other patients or past patients and not to their family or friends. So kudos to you for admitting it's hard -and reaching out. You are grieving .......for the recovery you expected and angry and you are perfectly entitled to be. Do you have access to MacMillian ? I think they could be really helpful to you.

Thank you, youve put the words that are so so right, and I can only echo what you've said xx

mum2one

Taxi, I hope you have managed to get some rest, and the counciller has been in touch, hope the diazapam works ok, xxx

se999

Hi Taxi, sorry to hear there's lots of ups & downs, but you are getting through the treatment cycles, family is rallying round, and you're taking control of situations when the system isn't working for you. So you're doing brilliantly. Hope you manage to find time to enjoy a good family Christmas.

kissjenn

Hi Taxi,

One day at a time. Consultant throwing cost in can go and boil his heid. If your blood counts weren't high enough they'd have to postpone anyway.

They had alternative therapists in Edinburgh who helped relax people...anything like that they can offer to help?

You've been hugely brave and maybe your head's just starting to play catch up with the reality of it all again. Go at your own pace and know you've a lot of people here who are on your side. You'll get there in a way that works for you.

If I can do anything practical or useful please just let me know.

KJ xx

mum2one

if that consultant starts again about the cost, I'll come and belly flop him, that soon put him in his place x

beanielou

Bit insensitive of the consultant I think to be whittering on about the cost.

bast

such lovely words from everyone. Sorry I have not been around for so long but had a few minor problems which needed sorting. Nothing compared to yours. I have always thought you are incredibly brave beyond words.. Sometimes being alone with your own thoughts, fears is a nightmare and that is when we need the help. I cannot even imagine... nor would I want to,,, what you are going through or Piq or Kissjenn go through.... just get any help you need. I am also for belly flopping the consultant re cost... maybe if it was his child his wife cost would not seem such a priority stupid.. !!!!...

If you ever need to speak to a stranger and although I am a tad nutty I would be willing to come up to Blackpool to share a cuppa and chat with you... Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone you dont know and I unfortunately know the effects of cancer very closely... I would gladly do this for you taxi....really genuinely worried about you...xxx

ZTD

taxi73 wrote: »

had another complete breakdown and refused my chemo...am in a really dark place just now and can;t stop crying and having thoughts that I shouldn't have..can't see me getting through this...

:grouphug:

taxi73 wrote: »

I'm absolutely useless..

Absolutely useless? No...not even close. You've endured so much - how does that make you useless?

taxi73 wrote: »

I feel so low

:grouphug:

taxi73 wrote: »

can't believe you two are awake...
I know I need the treatment but keep having meltdowns ..totally irrational I know ..

But it isn't irrational. Essentially what chemotherapy is, is that you poison your body to an exact degree, and the cancer cells (which are weaker) die, and the rest of your body's cells (which are stronger) live.

You'll notice I said "weaker" and "stronger", not "weak" and "strong". There isn't a massive difference between the two, so the dosage has to be precise, and your non-cancer cells have a rough time of it - surviving the process still means they go through the mill.

In the meanwhile, the unconcious part of your brain, the bit that keeps you from doing stupid things and injuring yourself is telling you that you are being poisoned. It knows it is being ignored, so is now getting a bit insistent.

Very insistent.

It would be nice to have a bat-phone so you could turn to it and say "I know this isn't good, but it's necessary - so shut it!" - but you can't. What you have to do is damn the torpedoes and go full steam ahead.

I'm not going to pretend that's easy. The unconcious part of your mind has evolved over many millenia to get its own way.

taxi73 wrote: »

I was totally hysterical today and haven't stopped crying whilst awake...they have given me diazepan to take the night before and morning of chemo next week to see if that helps and are going to get me councilling..feel so useless and have thought of ending it all

The thoughts of suicide are natural for people who believe they are not in charge of their own destiny. On one hand, you need the treatment so you can have a chance at living - chemotherapy is not something you'd choose unless there was no choice. You've also encountered the power of the unconcious part of your mind which has decided to take control (probably for the first time in your life) after all its subtle influencing has failed.

Your concious mind is stuck in the middle of those two forces. A rock and a hard place. That's not easy.

taxi73 wrote: »

I have 3 choices

somehow get over the fear and have the chemo..best option
stop chemo and die when I die
or end my life myself

There are more choices than that. "Get over the fear" covers a multitude of choices from "Not feel fear" to "Feel the fear and do it anyway".

Or you can smoke whatever your consultant was on and probably not come back to Earth for a couple of years... :eek:

The third option is illogical, though not irrational - if that makes sense.

You either:

1. fear dying of cancer most - in which case you need the chemo.
2. fear the effects of the chemo most - in which case you need to stop

You obviously don't want either, and suicide is a way of "getting out of the game" - but if you choose option 1, then number 2 goes away, and if you choose option 2 then number 1 goes away.

taxi73 wrote: »

am so sorry to post stuff on here was very selfish of me

This is your diary! It's what it's for. I know you feel you can't burden your family (though in actuality they're stronger than you give them credit for, and when this comes out they will unconvincingly deny feeling vaguely insulted that you thought you couldn't lean on them for support...), but you can vent to us.