Taxi...from an ugly duckling to a swan

taxi73

thanks for all the lovely replies.
went to sleep 9.30 am -3.30pm and again 8.30 ish-10pm tonight
Left a message this morning for the oncology/nurse specialist but when she hadn't got back to me by 3.30pm I phoned the oncology unit only to find that she was off today.Spoke to another sister who gave me councillors secretaries number...there was no answer so will call back monday.
I still feel rubbish but have stopped crying at the moment and am so frustrated with myself that I can't take the treatment.I feel sick at the mere thought of it even though the treatment is a lot better in side effects than last time.
Think it's because it's every week and there is no end.Once I've had the 12 weeks of Taxol/Avastin I'll be having a scan and if it's worked I'll be on Avastin permanently which is given every 2 weeks at the moment..the hope I had 1st time around has gone.
I really do need to get over this fear or else the other options are unthinkable

taxi73

thankyou ZTD...you know me so well
what you have written is my exact thought processes and logic as I've been thinking them
I need to get over the fear and do it anyway and have considered getting some smoke even though I'm anti drugs...I don't even like taking pain killers
I fear dying of cancer most hence knowing I need the chemo...if I don't have the chemo anyway there is no hope whatsoever
I need to get over this massive hurdle...I keep thinking I'm going crazy with these thoughts but am glad that other people can understand how I feel

Verbatim

Hi Taxi,
I'm glad you slept. I'm off to bed in a mo' so will wish you a good night. I hope things will seem clear soon.

taxi73

thanks I hope so too x sleep well

mum2one

glad u managed to get some sleep, all I can say is big hugs, you are a strong wondeful lady, and ur allowed to feel down and upset its your bodies way of dealing with everything

just wish i could be there for u, xx

rising_from_the_ashes

Taxi ((((hugs)))) I know it's nothing to what you're going through but I do "get" where you're coming from with the drugs .... I've just started these horrid infusions and was totally freaked after the 1st one (and very nearly didn't have the 2nd) as a Dr had to sit next to me with the defib machine, adrenalin & other things to hand as it can apparently have disasterous results.

I'm like you in that I rarely even take painkillers and will suffer a headache for several hours before I'll even take paracetamol!

I've also now been put back onto a Chemo drug I was on a couple of years ago - I hated taking it then and I really hate the thought of taking it now as it'll be so long term (at least 5 years).

I hate the thought of what these drugs will do to me long term but I know I need to get better too so ...... (((hugs)))

Verbatim

If funny baccy helps, go for it! I have a friend with cancer who finds it very helpful with the pain.

beanielou

As usual not sure what to say but sending you a big hug.
Keep plodding whatever way you can xx

dizzy_lizzie

Ooooh taxi. Just caught up on the last few pages.
Sending you huge hugs honey. I'm sure it's more than normal to be going through all the feelings and thoughts that you're having considering the situation you're in. So I guess your body and mind is reacting in exactly the way it should be, it's just trying to make sense of everything.
Take care and keep warm.
X

Butti

Taxi
I wish you all the best with this chemo nightmare. When my mum was having cancer treatment she leant on us A LOT and I wouldn't have it any other way. It made me feel less useless and like I could eventually do something for her. I needed to feel I had done my best for her.