Betrayal my Husband - flirting online

Scorpio33

I think the point is that what is acceptable to some people is not to others.

Some people are happy for their partners to go around having sex with anyone else, as they see variety is the spice of life, and they still have thier special time together, so this doesn't take anything away from their relationship.

Some people wouldn't want their partners even looking at other people, as they think that is energy that should be spent on the relationship.

The point is that you may not agree with either of these views, but that is irrelelvant. Everyone differs and in any relationship there needs to be clear definitions as to what is acceptable and what is not.

Arguing about what is flirting and what isn't is irrelevant. Its about what is acceptable or not.



If it is the case that the first time round the levels of acceptablility were clearly defined and he has crossed them again, then the OP needs to decide if she wants to trust him to save the relationship or not. In this case, I doubt that the man involved is even interested in the relationship.

However, mis communications can always happen, and it may be the case that there is some confusion between them as to what is acceptable. The DH may have thought that it was on the same level of acceptability than watching !!!!!! - after all no physical contact took place. I know it is different to watching !!!!!!, but clearly he doesn't see it as being worse than watching !!!!!!.

Whatever the case is, the OP needs to decide if her DH is actually willing and able to put in effort into the relationship, and if she is willing to take the risk in rebuiliding the relationship.

Clearly the man here has a reason why he is doing what he is and if the OP wants to rebuild the relationship, then her man needs to resolve the reasons why he is doing what he is doing and she needs to ensure that he knows exactly what is acceptable and what isn't

digitalphase

at_my_wits_end wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know where to turn, but feel like my Husband has betrayed my trust (again) and unsure what to do for the best.

Together for over 11 years, Married for 4. We have 3 Children together.

Before we got married, I discovered messages on his works mobile from another woman, very explicit flirty messages. I was shell shocked and felt like my heart had been ripped out (our youngest child was only 4 months old at the time). He sweared that nothing had phsyically happened, and that he was sorry, only did it for the attention etc etc. Like a fool, I believed him and we got married, put the past behind us...fresh start and all that.

Yesterday I found he had another secret email account. In this email folder were lots of messages from people on 'no strings' sex websites. On these websites he has listed himself as 'unhappily married', he has put explicit photo's of himself on and has been 'dirty chatting' to other women. Again he swears blind that nothing has phsyicaly happened (and to some degree I believe him as I don't know when or where he would have the time for this). He is apparently very sorry and 'loves' me and doesn't want me to leave him. Again he is saying he did this for the feeling of being 'wanted' and the excitement (I can not understand this as I am not a cold heartless cow, I am a very loving person and thought we had a good sex life etc)

I do not know what to do. I don't really want to split up and break my family up, on the other hand, I do not want to live with someone who clearly has no respect whatsoever and feel that I deserve better than this and that I am being taken for a t*at!

I keep asking why would he do this again if he loved me? after he saw how heartbroken I was last time.

What do I do? I was always led to believe that trust is the most important factor in a relationship, now we have none.

EDIT to add: When I kept asking my Husband WHY he has done this, he says it's because he is unhappy with himself.

I haven't read the other responses, but to reply to you directly:

If my bloke sent photos of his kn%b to other women online, then he'd be kicked in the boll%cks, then told that his son and I are now leaving him. Fortunately for us all, he is not that type of bloke.

You've given this bloke a chance before, don't let him deceive you again. My mate put up with it for 8 years with her bloke, and he never changed, just carried on. Eventually she split up with him for (her) good.

buzzybev

I am going through exactly the same thing.

I have been married for three months, we've been together for 3 years.

This has only come to light since we've been married but I've discovered he has been talking dirty online to girls for about 8 years, all throughout our time together.

He has sent pictures of himself and has been finding girls on faceparty and then chatting to them on MSN.

I've caught him three times now and told him how it makes me feel and that I am not willing to put up with it.

He promises he won't do it as I threatened to divorce him on the latest occasion but I just can't believe that he won't do it again.

He swears he loves me and that its just p0rn for him but I've read so many reports about this just being the first step.

Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he changes with the risk of finding him doing it again when we may have children?

OR do I cut my losses now and look for someone who honours my feelings and makes me feel worthwhile?

Scorpio33

buzzybev wrote: »

I am going through exactly the same thing.

I have been married for three months, we've been together for 3 years.

This has only come to light since we've been married but I've discovered he has been talking dirty online to girls for about 8 years, all throughout our time together.

He has sent pictures of himself and has been finding girls on faceparty and then chatting to them on MSN.

I've caught him three times now and told him how it makes me feel and that I am not willing to put up with it.

He promises he won't do it as I threatened to divorce him on the latest occasion but I just can't believe that he won't do it again.

He swears he loves me and that its just p0rn for him but I've read so many reports about this just being the first step.

Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he changes with the risk of finding him doing it again when we may have children?

OR do I cut my losses now and look for someone who honours my feelings and makes me feel worthwhile?

To me, your situation is different.

He has been doing it since the start of your relationship, and you have clearly defined to him the boundries of what you find acceptable.

Yet he still has not changed.

I suggested talking to relate together, with the intention of amicably splitting. At the very least it will make him see how serious the situation is. Whatever you do, hold off on the kids, don't want to involve anyone else innocent yet.

It is your call, but I wouldn't blame you if you split. But if you want it to work, something different needs to happen, compared to the other times you caught him out. Clearly he hasn't changed - yet. Not to say he is unwilling though.

buzzybev

Thanks. I think he understands the gravity of the situation now.

I've given him a week to make me feel like I could trust him again.

Its surprising how common this issue seems to be.

My worry is that he is doing it now while our relationship is still new and ezciting so what will he be getting up to when we have kids and the spark is fading?

euronorris

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

But there are various views as to what is and isn't acceptable - clearly the op and her OH disagree on what is and isn't right - but that doesn't mean one of them is correct and one is in the wrong.

Actually, I feel that the OP's husband should know and respect her boundaries. Not doing so, puts him in the wrong.

poorly_scammo

For me the issue isn't whether I'd be upset about this and question my marriage. It's about the fact that the OP's husband knew how upset she was the first time and has done it again. If an action (within reason) upsets a partner and the partner continues with/repeats that action, then it is inconsiderate at best and at worst, cruel imo.

oojeyboojey

nickyhutch wrote: »

You'd try to understand that he'd been looking for random sex with strangers and telling them he was unhappy with you? You're a braver woman than me.

Well yeah! I made a promise to stick with him through thick and thin, and if he's seeking other people to talk about his problems with then I'd rather he talked to me about them instead - even if (ESPECIALLY if) his problems were with me. How else can you move on?

Sex means different things to men and women. If my hubby needed to go outside our marriage to get what he needed (emotionally OR physically) then that is a symptom of a larger problem with the marriage itself, and this is something we'd both need to work on together.

People make mistakes, we need the capacity to forgive. It is hard to admit you've done something wrong and hurtful to the person you love. This is especially true when one of the motivating factors that drove you to do it in the first place is that you feel like you can't talk to them about your problems.

Nobody can tell the OP what to do, just offer their opinions on what THEY'D do in her situation. Buzzybev, I hope he puts the effort into fixing what's wrong instead of going online for his fix x

nickyhutch

oojeyboojey wrote: »

Well yeah! I made a promise to stick with him through thick and thin, and if he's seeking other people to talk about his problems with I don't see why he needs to send them pictures of his penis to "talk about his problems" then I'd rather he talked to me about them instead - even if (ESPECIALLY if) his problems were with me. How else can you move on?

Sex means different things to men and women. If my hubby needed to go outside our marriage to get what he needed (emotionally OR physically) then that is a symptom of a larger problem it would be a symptom of an end to my marriage with the marriage itself, and this is something we'd both need to work on together. You're more forgiving than me, obviously. I couldn't waste my time on someone who didn't love me enough not to cheat on me.

People make mistakes, I see sending naked pictures to people looking for sex and telling them he's unhappy as more than a mistake. It's a betrayal and a sign that he doesn't love me enough for me. we need the capacity to forgive. It is hard to admit you've done something wrong and hurtful to the person you love. This is especially true when one of the motivating factors that drove you to do it in the first place is that you feel like you can't talk to them about your problems. I don't think the OP has said this was the case.

Nobody can tell the OP what to do, just offer their opinions on what THEY'D do in her situation. Buzzybev, I hope he puts the effort into fixing what's wrong instead of going online for his fix x

In most things in life, I see the gray, but in this instance, if my OH was cheating on me, it's an absolute black and white situation for me. I wont waste my life with someone who can cheat on me and who obviously doesn't consider my feelings. I want an OH who doesn't want to cheat on me.

I appreciate others feel differently about the black and white bit.

suited-aces

Nicky prefers them when they're cheating on someone else.