Betrayal my Husband - flirting online

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

shellsuit wrote: »

Yes we only have one side of this, so it's amusing that you keep telling us what the bloke is or isn't doing, as you have no idea!


Oh and giving someone a kiss to greet them isn't flirting !!!!!!!

I don't really think my husband wants to flirt with my Nan and I certainly don't want to flirt with his Grandad, but we still kiss to greet them.

Shellsuit my post wasnt aimed at you sorry you thought it was

I've not said "he's 110% doing this xxxx" i've said he MAY be doing it, i HAVE also stated MY thoughts about the OP (saying that i personally think she's feeling insecure etc and can understand why this would upset her) so it isnt all one sided on my part. I'm simply trying to point out that not everything is black and white and not every single person in the world thinks the same and clearly the two of them view "flirting" differently.

You missed my point on the kiss thing - i personally dont see it as flirting, BUT thats doesnt mean EVERYONE see's it like this. EVERY action will raise a different response because we are ALL different and we ALL have our own opinions. No your OH probably doesnt fancy ya nan (that made me chuckle - thanks!) In the OP's case - HE doesnt seem to find it that "bad" a thing but the OP does so instead of instantly chucking everything away there IS a middle ground to be found and only the OP will know whether it is worth it.

I've not said i condone cheating in anyway - Again - If OP came back and said "he's actually met someone and they have had sex" then yes - i would say kick him in the goolies. But she hasnt - and we cant assume that this is his intentions

Seanymph

Some women would find it acceptable to watch whilst he did it - but the OP obviously isn't one of them. She clearly was upset when she found texts, and he has, with complete disregard to her, done far worse this time.

She isn't at fault here - he is.

He has treated his life partner with complete disregard and followed what gives him gratification with no thought or consideration at all. That is what counts, the 'scale' of what he's done, whether or not you would find it acceptable is irrelevant. The OP was clear it wasn't acceptable to her - and yet he big fat went and did it anyway.

However, in general, people who do this have emotionally neglected their marriage in order to prioritise their own personal gratification at it's expense.

And that is what is relevant.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Seanymph wrote: »

Some women would find it acceptable to watch whilst he did it - but the OP obviously isn't one of them. She clearly was upset when she found texts, and he has, with complete disregard to her, done far worse this time.

She isn't at fault here - he is.

He has treated his life partner with complete disregard and followed what gives him gratification with no thought or consideration at all. That is what counts, the 'scale' of what he's done, whether or not you would find it acceptable is irrelevant. The OP was clear it wasn't acceptable to her - and yet he big fat went and did it anyway.

However, in general, people who do this have emotionally neglected their marriage in order to prioritise their own personal gratification at it's expense.

And that is what is relevant.

And no where have i ever said that it is the OP's fault he is doing this. I've said there could be reasons he is doing this - and it isnt necessarily to cheat..

The bolded part of your post is interesting - it is YOUR assumption that "in general" people who do this neglect their marriage - it isnt fact. Like i said up there ^^^^^ every person see's things diffrently (and thats a wonderful thing - we wouldnnt be human if we all thought and acted the same, we would be robots) your seeing it from one side of things, which is very black and white, take into other things that MAY (MAY) be happening and voila - shades of grey

VestanPance

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

but thats the point - SHE see's it as flirting, therefore, in her world it is. EVERYONE will do something that they consider "harmless" but to someone else it MAY mean something else. It's all about the context and what they expect from it.

That would just make her wrong. It's not flirting any more than a handshake is flirting.

What flirting is is pretty much well defined. Your friend just sounds very insecure about her partners interactions with anyone of the opposite sex.

Scorpio33

To me it is more important to consider why he has done what he has done than what he has done.

Obviously ever relationship has boundries - and those boundries need to be clearly defined to both parties. What one finds acceptable the other may not. Boundries need to be clearly defined.

But what the OP needs to consider more is why he has done what he has done.

If it is that he is looking for a way out of the relationship, sees no future together and is hoping to find someone elsewhere, then clearly there is no future.

But if the reason why he has done what he has is more about his low self esteem or the lack of communication, then there maybe something to work on.


I guess what I am trying to say is that he didn't see that as crossing the realms of flirting and saw it as harmless, but clearly there is a reason why it is happening. Not saying that is right or anything, but I am just trying to say that even if what he has done doesn't cross the unwritten boundries, there still may be a reason to split up - it is all down to why he has done what he has.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

VestanPance wrote: »

That would just make her wrong. It's not flirting any more than a handshake is flirting.

What flirting is is pretty much well defined. Your friend just sounds very insecure about her partners interactions with anyone of the opposite sex.

Ah but you see that's my point :-) to you, how my friend reacts is "wrong" - but she believes she is justified in her reactions - and because this is what she believes then it actually isn't "wrong"

Flirting isn't defined - and when 2 people disagree on the limitations (OPs case) then obviously there will be hurt. We don't know If the bloke is a natural flirt (in which case OP shouldn't demand he change who he is but reach a medium ground) or whether this is the reaction to something that is wrong in the relationship (In which case the cause should be dealt with)

VestanPance

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Ah but you see that's my point :-) to you, how my friend reacts is "wrong" - but she believes she is justified in her reactions - and because this is what she believes then it actually isn't "wrong"

Flirting isn't defined - and when 2 people disagree on the limitations (OPs case) then obviously there will be hurt. We don't know If the bloke is a natural flirt (in which case OP shouldn't demand he change who he is but reach a medium ground) or whether this is the reaction to something that is wrong in the relationship (In which case the cause should be dealt with)

No your friend is just wrong. Greeting someone with a kiss is not flirting it's a greeting. You're friend is obviously a very jealous and possessive person about her partner.

Flirting is defined. People may disagree on what is pushing it too far in a relationship. For some that will be any flirting at all, for some they might be happy for their partner to flirt with anyone they wish.

Also naturally flirty people won't feel the need to sign up to sex websites to flirt. They tend to flirt with everyone. Like the young lad I work beside that'll flirt with a teenage girl or a 60 year old woman. He flirts with every woman he meets he has no need to go hunting for paid up sex websites to fill that natural flirty side. Going behind your partners back and signing up to a adult dating website is going beyond flirting in any sane persons rational. In fact I'd say most would say signing up to any dating website is pushing it beyond the limits. It's a world away from natural flirty banter.

You can't ask flirty folk to change, but then you can't ask people that dislike it just to accept it either. If you dislike the thought of a partner being flirty with others then don't get involved with someone who is flirty.

brians_daughter

OP. i hope you are ok.

I have been there in recent times i cant tell you what to do my only words for you is do the best by you and your family. If that means working through it then great if it means parting company then do it with the best interests of the children at heart.

My story is simular. 1st time we have 'the talk' 2nd time hee went sulking at his mothers until it was safe to come home without getting railroaded and we talked. The 3rd time i felt i couldnt continue with our relationship. I am now with the children alone and working all the hours god sends to make ends meet without assistance from anyone or anywhere (except fathers contributions) and god its hard...would i have done it differently knowing then what i know now - absolutely not.

I am not suggesting you walk out on your marriage ( i wish we could have saved ours but it was too far down the road for us to turn back) but there needs to come a point where one of 3 things happen... he changes or you accept its part of who he is or the relationship ends. As i see it they are the choices you have.

If you feel you can start again you need to be 101% honest with eachother...as for checking phones etc i dont agree with that you either let him start earning your trust or there isnt much point

IMO theres 'flirty' as in 'its part of who you are' and 'flirty' as in actively seeking out such thrills (ie online) the 1st i am fine with the 2nd is a no-no gor me...especially if it is known to cause upset

Out of interest my ex's reasons where 'he was bored' (just generally idle fingers not bored with our relationship) but if just being bored is a reason to cause so much upset then i figured i was better off without him. If there had been reasons i could quantify like unhappy with our marriage/sex life or he was having issues that this online s*x chat was balancing out i would have tried (maybe foolishly?) again but upsetting your wife numerous times knowing next time is 'it' isnt boredom in my eyes its selfishness.

Anyway i seem to have ranted about my own recent past here so, OP I hope you are ok and make a decision you can be at peace with

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

VestanPance wrote: »

No your friend is just wrong. Greeting someone with a kiss is not flirting it's a greeting. You're friend is obviously a very jealous and possessive person about her partner.

Flirting is defined. People may disagree on what is pushing it too far in a relationship. For some that will be any flirting at all, for some they might be happy for their partner to flirt with anyone they wish.

Also naturally flirty people won't feel the need to sign up to sex websites to flirt. They tend to flirt with everyone. Like the young lad I work beside that'll flirt with a teenage girl or a 60 year old woman. He flirts with every woman he meets he has no need to go hunting for paid up sex websites to fill that natural flirty side. Going behind your partners back and signing up to a adult dating website is going beyond flirting in any sane persons rational. In fact I'd say most would say signing up to any dating website is pushing it beyond the limits. It's a world away from natural flirty banter.

You can't ask flirty folk to change, but then you can't ask people that dislike it just to accept it either. If you dislike the thought of a partner being flirty with others then don't get involved with someone who is flirty.

So because you disagree then its "wrong" ? - no not at all. You disagree with some of my points, I disagree with some of yours but neither are "wrong" they are just different views.

Flirting is not defined, no two people will have the same views - for it to be defined it needs to ne clear cut and as mentioned before. We do not live in a world based purely in black and white. What you view as flirting and what Mr x, Mrs y and Miss z will view as flirting are completely different. The OP views the chatting as flirting, whereas he might see it as something harmless. Neither the op nor the hubby are wrong - just different.

The op doesn't state whether he is naturally flirty or not. People are assuming. The op has said that its sex sites - but, and this is part of the key point, hubby hasn't actually DONE anything physical with anyone.

I don't know how much it is to watch !!!!!! - nor do I intend to research it! - but let's say for example !!!!!! is £3.00 a movie, the bloke could watch 3 movies for a tenner or he could sign up to a site and flirt and watch whenever he wants. The only difference is that with !!!!!!, its a script, with the net its more life like.

I agree with your last statement - if the OP knew he was a flirt and is now trying to change him then its wrong. I've not said the OP should roll over and accept it, I've said that there is a compromise that they COULD try (if both wanted to) its not giving him the green light to cheat; its setting boundaries so it is neither "my way or none" - if the OP set boundaries and "allowed" some flirting that she finds "ok" and he then took the pi$$ then I would agree with you and say he's a waster. I don't believe this situation is clear cut. The op says they have a good sex life etc kids are a nightmare and money worries ... who is to say the hubby agrees?

If it is completely out of character for the hubby then what exactly changed for him to seek the attention? And if this is simply who he is, then he shouldn't be forced to change - but he should (as should the op) work towards a compromise if they want to work

VestanPance

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

So because you disagree then its "wrong" ? - no not at all. You disagree with some of my points, I disagree with some of yours but neither are "wrong" they are just different views.

Flirting is not defined, no two people will have the same views...

You seem to be confused over the definition of something, and peoples acceptance of something. Flirting is defined. Peoples acceptance of flirting is not.

To watch !!!!!! online. If you have half a brain it's free. The issue of him having done anything with someone else is redundant if the OP feels that this is too far. If you as I think you suggesting he was doing this to get off, then it would be up to the OP to see if she was happy with that or in fact would rather he's got off to some !!!!!!.

If he is using it to get off. Then that's not flirting. That's using it as part of his sex life, even if it is working on manual!