Betrayal my Husband - flirting online

DUTR

nickyhutch wrote: »

But the fact remains OP's husband is doing something he KNOWS upsets her, whether it's chatting to women online or not putting his socks in the laundry basket or not buying her a birthday present or slagging her sister off.... whatever. It's that that I would find so hard - my OH doing something he knows would upset me.

So if your hubby upset you, are you just going to get up and leave?
It is all to often the advice banded around here, and to be honest, it is just a lot of hot air from most of the posters.
The answer is not always to throw the towel in, people partners or not, will upset you from time to time, that is life.

nickyhutch

DUTR wrote: »

So if your hubby upset you, are you just going to get up and leave?
It is all to often the advice banded around here, and to be honest, it is just a lot of hot air from most of the posters.
The answer is not always to throw the towel in, people partners or not, will upset you from time to time, that is life.

If he consistently, knowingly did something that he knew upset me, something I considered serious enough (not the sock/sister/birthday thing, obviously), then I'd think he obviously didn't care enough about me to bother about whether I was upset.

I wouldn't instantly up and off, but in this instance, for me, what he's done is a deal-breaker, because he's done it before, knows I don't like it, and has gone and done it again.

I understand that what OP's husband has done isn't a deal-breaker for some, though

Seanymph

in this case though, what he knows upsets her involves other, real life people. Interaction with feal life beings who can then affect the OP and interfere in her life.

I am firmly of the opinion that if you normalise and excuse to yourself flirting at that level, then sending pictures and masturbating online it is a much smaller step to actually meeting people for real life sex.

This isn't a harmless response to feeling a bit down - this is real involving other people unfaithful devastating for the person you are supposed to love and honour nasty selfish behaviour.

It's not something most people would involve themselves in anyway, so there is something in his wiring that makes this an acceptable way to obtain attention -but given that this is acceptable to him then who is to know whether or not he'll follow it through.

No one on here for sure. So the OP will have to decide what she will do, and how she will handle it - but minimising it I think is terribly wrong. The OP feels as strongly about this because of the enormity of what he has done, and making it her fault, or not important, won't help.

YoungBaker

Seanymph wrote: »

in this case though, what he knows upsets her involves other, real life people. Interaction with feal life beings who can then affect the OP and interfere in her life.

I am firmly of the opinion that if you normalise and excuse to yourself flirting at that level, then sending pictures and masturbating online it is a much smaller step to actually meeting people for real life sex.

This isn't a harmless response to feeling a bit down - this is real involving other people unfaithful devastating for the person you are supposed to love and honour nasty selfish behaviour.

It's not something most people would involve themselves in anyway, so there is something in his wiring that makes this an acceptable way to obtain attention -but given that this is acceptable to him then who is to know whether or not he'll follow it through.

No one on here for sure. So the OP will have to decide what she will do, and how she will handle it - but minimising it I think is terribly wrong. The OP feels as strongly about this because of the enormity of what he has done, and making it her fault, or not important, won't help.

Well obviously minimising it isn't really a solution as it's not addressing the issue.

Definitely - If I was as stupid to do that to my finance TWICE I would definitely be expecting to be in the dog house for a long time with a lot of making up to do... and as I have already said it is totally up to the OP if she can't handle the betrayal a second time then anyone could understand that she would struggle to rebuild the trust and therefore question their future...

However - that's very different from some people posting on here who clearly think they have some amazing hold over their husbands and that their perfect husband would "never do anything they know would hurt them"... Ultimately the guy has made a terrible mistake for whatever reason, and these people posting on here can ultiamtely influence the OP and convince her that her marriage is over when in fact they need to take a look at their own blimming lifes and take a step back.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Well, I havent read all the replies (5 pages is a lot! hopefully your keeping up OP!)

My OH is a notorious flirt, he's terrible! He flirts online, he flirts in person (he used to work in a strip club as a bar man!) Does it bother me? No as he knows there is a limit to my tollerance - would i end the relationship over it? no! He's flirting - he isnt actually DOING anything - I still get the attention i want, he isn't out having sex with others - so whats the problem? (I agree with the poster above - those of you who think your OH's are perfect and dont do anything - your very naive)

You mentioned your OH has put he is "unhappily married" - at least he didnt put "single" !!

EVERYONE flirts - people can deny it all they like but its a fact of life. ANYONE who says they dont flirt at some point is a liar - The problem you have is the "over steppping the mark" part and feeling secure in your relationship. Your OH isnt going to stop flirting - so why not allow it to a certain point? (Obviously if he's meeting up with these people then thats a different ball park - that's not flirting!)

I'm 8 months pregnant - it doesnt stop me from flirting on the phone at work (esp if im after a discount from a supplier!) doesnt mean I'm gonna run off with them and actually DO anything. When i wasn't pregnant and we was out nightclubbing i used to love that people found my OH attractive and vice versa. It's nice to be told that someone other than your partner finds you attractive etc - PROVIDING that's all it is. If he hasnt done anything then it would suggest it is more the attention he craves rather than actually being unhappy with you.

Is it REALLY worth destroying your family for?

System

I put up with my ex flirting with other women online, then it progressed to flirting with people in person, then he left me for another woman. I won't be making that mistake again.

nickyhutch

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Well, I havent read all the replies (5 pages is a lot! hopefully your keeping up OP!)

My OH is a notorious flirt, he's terrible! He flirts online, he flirts in person (he used to work in a strip club as a bar man!) Does it bother me? No as he knows there is a limit to my tollerance - would i end the relationship over it? no! He's flirting - he isnt actually DOING anything - I still get the attention i want, he isn't out having sex with others - so whats the problem?

You mentioned your OH has put he is "unhappily married" - at least he didnt put "single" !!

EVERYONE flirts - people can deny it all they like but its a fact of life. ANYONE who says they dont flirt at some point is a liar - The problem you have is the "over steppping the mark" part and feeling secure in your relationship. Your OH isnt going to stop flirting - so why not allow it to a certain point? (Obviously if he's meeting up with these people then thats a different ball park - that's not flirting!)

Is it REALLY worth destroying your family for?

It's all about what people find acceptable. You obviously find it acceptable, but that doesn't mean OP should too.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

nickyhutch wrote: »

It's all about what people find acceptable. You obviously find it acceptable, but that doesn't mean OP should too.

But neither should the OP throw away 10 years together if there is a solution to it.

If OP had come on here and put "he's been flirting, he's met them for sex" by all means I would join in with the "get rid"

BUT we only know this from one point of view - We only have the OP's side of it (obviously) so how exactly does any of us know what her OH is feeling? Is he wanting the attention because OP neglecting him? is he just reassuring himself? Has OP ever said to him "no one else would have you?" in an argument, is he just after some attention because he's having a midlife crisis? We will never 100% know for sure.

OP needs to work out whether it is worth losing everything for

nickyhutch

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

But neither should the OP throw away 10 years together if there is a solution to it.

If OP had come on here and put "he's been flirting, he's met them for sex" by all means I would join in with the "get rid"

BUT we only know this from one point of view - We only have the OP's side of it (obviously) so how exactly does any of us know what her OH is feeling? Is he wanting the attention because OP neglecting him? is he just reassuring himself? Has OP ever said to him "no one else would have you?" in an argument, is he just after some attention because he's having a midlife crisis? We will never 100% know for sure.

OP needs to work out whether it is worth losing everything for

The solution would mean her putting up with something she finds unacceptable, though, wouldn't it?

ETA or at the very least believing that he'd never do it again, and getting past the fact that he'd done it twice before.

BitterAndTwisted

In my world flirting is a million miles away from posting photos of one's private-parts on the internet and talking dirty (while he's probably doing "something else") to complete strangers. For the second time. Well, at least being caught doing it for a second time. That would be a deal-breaker for me, most definitely. But not, of course, for the OP who has to live through this somehow.

I absolutely deny that no matter how vehement other people opinions are, opinions which were explicitly sought by starting this thread, that they would persuade someone to do something like ending their relationship, based on what a load of strangers have to say about what they would do under similar circumstances.

If I were the OP I would have done a Babbit on him by now. Or worse.