Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

Loanranger

A commitment to a child is huge and the biggest commitment that anyone can make. Just because they're easy to make, and any fool can do it, doesn't mean the responsibility ends with the conception or the birth.

Your GF is simply responding to her most basic drive which is to procreate.

Unfortunately, she has not shown any commitment towards you and to the relationship. What does she contribute? Instead she is loading the burden you already have. This is hardly an equal relationship and I would be running a mile.

I cannot understand why she hasn't got a job. Any job. If you live in a city there are plenty of low level jobs in catering and cleaning. At my local university, there are numerous jobs for cleaners and catering staff.
The Royal Mail has been advertising Christmas jobs. Yes, this work may be below the level of her qualifications but a job is a stepping stone to another job. Many employers are wary of long term unemployed people because they understand that there are jobs to be had if someone is prepared to knuckle down into the disciplines of work.

You obviously care for her but don't be blinded by love. If you allow her to have a baby you can look forward to a lifetime of financial worry and no amount of baby talk can alleviate this most dragging, never ending anxiety.

As another person said earlier, be very careful of an 'accidental' pregnancy.

Have the discussion with her about her responsibilities towards you and be firm that you expect to see a demonstrable commitment to work before you will consider a baby.

threemuttleys

All very well having "pride" stopping her getting a job at Tesco etc (Fact; a lot of people in jobs in Supermarkets etc, are degree qualified, professionals. Whether the recession has made them redundant, or indeed have had children and require flexible working)
But when her partner is worried/stressed about how you will manage and scrutinizing till receipts, is she not not being really rather selfish?

BigAunty

It's not been mentioned here so far, but after the age of 35, a woman's fertility falls off a cliff so no wonder she's a little anxious to get started - it's already much harder for her to conceive and it will get much worse, with it becoming extremely difficult after the age of 40.

You are posing the dilemma as a benefit question - 'how we will be able to afford a family on 17k per year when she can't/won't work' - but what you have is a relationship problem 'Am I committed enough to be a father?, Is our relationship strong enough?'.

You are frustrated that your partner cannot/will not pay her way and realise that she would prefer to be a stay at home mum rather than take low paid employment. For example, you are worried about a lifetime of expense if the extra pressures of having a kid makes your relationship breakdown. And yes, rightly so, as if your relationship does not last until the youngest child reaches 18, then you will lose a percentage of your salary to bring them up (see the CSA website to identify this).

From a practical point of view, there is nothing stopping you from having children - the state will pay you child benefit and tax credits and you can simply plan a budget and stick to it.

To work out how much, put your details into the Turntous online benefit calculator, so you can model the financial changes. Also, download the budget planner, fill it in, work through the site and identify where you can make savings to free up money for the expense of a child.

Plenty of people post benefit queries here that have your low income (or no employment income) with children. And yes, the posts involve them wondering how to reduce their expenses or increase their income but there's plenty of evidence of people starting families with much less.

As for the emotional/relationship/personal budgeting problems and your partner's failure to secure employment, this is the wrong forum.

MrsManda

spiritus wrote: »

I don't think so but one thing I'm certain about is she would not want to live here permanently.

Are you willing to move? If you have a child togeter would she want the three of you to move back to her home country? Do you speak the language in that country?

If she's not wanting to live here permanently and wants a child, as well as all the financial implications you need to decide whether you'd happily move back to her home country. If you are happy to do that then it's possibly better to do so before having a child so it doesn't cause an issue later.

It's a horrible thought but in general if you have a child together and split up it's possible she'd get custody and take the child back to where her family is and you still be liable for providing financial support.

It sounds like you've got a lot to deal with but take your time, discuss your problems with your partner and get advice from your friends and family. Don't rush into anything, if there's love then there should be patience and understanding.

Triker

A few potential futures ...

You continue as you are, you struggling, your partner being unaware or uninterested on how much pressure financially you are under.

You continue as you are and your partner starts gaining some qualifications/training that increases her chances of getting some employment.

Your partner thinks outside the box and starts ebaying, car booting, anything that brings some income in.

Your partner manages to find employment.

You both decide to have a child and live happily ever after and just get on with it.

You both decide to have a child, you split up, she takes the child back to her country of origin/moves away from you and you have to pay
maintenance/CSA.

If you resent her now then a baby keeping you awake at night is going to add to the strain of an already pressured relationship.

However I'm a great believer that whatever happens, it'll come right in the end.

Are you thinking of getting married?

Oldernotwiser

spiritus wrote: »

What kind of work is she actually prepared to do and does it exist in the area in which you live?
Mostly sales but most employers will gravitate towards those who have direct relevant experience and although it pains me to say it, English candidates in some cases

.

English candidates who are long term unemployed (as your GF is) will also find it difficult to gain employment and the longer they're unemployed, the more difficult it becomes.

Has she done anything to make herself more employable in the last few years; voluntary work, additional qualifications etc?

Come to think of it, how does she actually spend her time? Does she shop and cook frugally to make your income stretch? Does she grow vegetables to save money on the food bill? What does she bring to the relationship in practical terms?

jojo_2012_2

HappyMJ wrote: »

It's hardly heavily dependant claiming child benefit and some tax credits. I make it £65 a week in tax credits (which they should already be getting about £6 a week in working tax credits) and about £20 in child benefit. That's an extra £79 to put towards the childs expenses. How much do I need to earn to be able to afford a child? According to this thread I will never be able to earn enough to have a child.

I agree. I think if OP can afford to support his partner, he can more than afford a child with this top up every week! I think her being foreign is neither here nor there. If you feel ready go for it the risks when she's over 30 go up dramatically.

Marisco

spiritus wrote: »

Not really. She comes from Central Europe. Most of her friend who are in relationships both work-even those with kids ! However, her mother gave up work at an early age because the father was earning enough to support both of them. Could this be an influence ? I don't know.

Yes, it could be a big influence. She has been brought up in a household where the mother has never been in paid work, her mothers' "job" was to look after her family, and her dads' was to bring in the money. This is the "norm" for her, so she doesn't see it as a problem. You really need to sit her down and tell her the financial "facts of life".

What was doable 40 years ago, no longer applies, if she doesn't want, or is not willing to "pull her weight", then you need to explain that you are unable to take all of the financial burden yourself, that a child would bring. And she really has to get over that she is "too good" for some jobs! I'm sure everyone on the boards have at one time or another, done jobs they don't like. I didn't particularly like cleaning the gents toilets after the customers had a heavy session on the beer, especially when what went down then came up, but you do what you have to, to make ends meet.

But it is vital you have a talk about finances, and other issues, especially if she is not going to settle down here!!

MissMoneypenny

HappyMJ wrote: »

So about £41,300 then. At £40,000 it's still £10 a week in tax credits. Cheers. That's me not having a child ever then.

You asked how YOU could afford a child. If you want others to keep your child, then can just apply for income based welfare like tax credits.

I still think the biggest killer for those relying on welfare for income top-ups, is going to be the rising prices; food; heating; petrol/diesel. The welfare bill will never be able to keep up with those rises.

As has been said by Frank Field MP, Tax Credits are a poverty trap. We see it all the time on here; people don't want to work more hours as their tax credit then decrease. Wait until you are financially sound until you have children. If you don't then the money worries will be a killer.

Sorry Op; went off topic. You obviously have doubts about her willingness to work and the fact she lives off you now, seems to suggest she is not one of life's workers. I can't see that getting better if you have children together. Children cost a lot of money, especially if you want to treat your children to places like Disney Florida.

Love is blind and all that, but sometimes it is better to let the big head take over the decisions.

kazwookie

How does she fund her life style / clothes/ going out / her part of the bills etc now?

If it is off you, which I think it is, I suggest you withdraw ALL funds / food / money etc now and see how long she is 'in love' with you for and how long it takes her to get a job.