Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

thorsoak

Do you love her? Or does she live with you in order that you both can have regular sex? She wants a baby, you want her to get a job and contribute to your joint costs of living - no basis for a relationship - let alone a basis for bringing a child into the world!

From what you have written, it doesn't seem to me that you are in a relationship - so break it up now!

threemuttleys

thing is, regardless of whether she is UK born or not, the pair of you clearly cannot afford to have a baby. All very well people saying "babies can be cheap" "get stuff off ebay/freecycle" etc...but in the real world, they are huge expense (my one year old costs a small fortune in fruit, veggies and breadsticks!) Can you afford nappies/formula or to feed a BF'ing mother? What about the bigger car/buggy/car seat, the swimming lessons that your GF will want to take her baby to...even the baby and toddler groups @ £1.50, a couple a week, and its more than Child benefit and Tax credits will cover.

I think you need to have a good chat with yourself, and then with her. If she wants a baby/you, then she needs to get off her !!! and get a job...doesnt matter what it is, just a job (I work pt 3 days a week...when you have a babe, its good just for some adult interaction!) plenty of temp work out there, or she could do Phoenix trading etc from home.

deathvalleydemon

before you get her deported here are the contact details to get her on jeremy kyle!!!

Relationships
If you’re worried your relationship will breakdown unless things change, call Jon on 0161 95 20763 or email jon.millership@itv.com

Sixer

OP: I wouldn't dream of ripping into either you or your girlfriend. But I do think that the very fact you came on here and posted this thread, asking for input on a highly personal decision from strangers, should probably tell you that your relationship has unresolved issues that makes deciding to have a baby the wrong thing at the moment. Resolve the issues with her, then make the decision. Best of luck.

cr1mson

I think you know the answer you just want someone else to tell you it.

Best of luck.

C

kingfisherblue

Fertility has already been mentioned - yes, it does decrease after the age of 35, and the chances of having a child with Down's Syndrome increases. Maybe it isn't just fertility that worries her, maybe it is the higher chance of a child with DS. What would happen if the baby was diagnosed with DS? Would you both agree to keep it, would you both agree to abort, or would you have different opinions? Perhaps that is somethingt hat should be discussed before pregnancy as well, especially as bringing up a child with disabilities is up to three times higher than the cosat of bringing up a non-disabled child (source - Contact A Family).

Disability isn't soemthing that you discuss as prospective parents, but the older the mother, the higher the chance of DS - and nobody can tell you if the child will be mildly affected or quite severe. If your GF wants to return to her home country at some point, would there be adequate medical and educational provision if your child did have DS?

OP, you obviously have alot to consider, and I'm just throwing one more possible (not probable) scenario into the mix. However, I have a child with DS (conceived when I was 29). I love him to bits, but he does have quite a few medical conditions, as well as the learning disability. Some parents can handle this, whilst others can't. As maternal age is a factor, it is worth considering what I have posted. After all, you don't want to be left holding the baby, so to speak, if things don't work out as expected.

Good luck x

Errata

spiritus wrote: »

Not really. Going back to college has been discussed but the courses are not free which in turn adds further expense to the household budget. It can be argued that it's an investment but still no guarantee.

She does cook and is obviously hampered by our budget but I feel our shopping bills could be cut even further which is why I often hate myself when I catch myself scrutinising the weekly supermarket receipt and questioning why we have bought a 97p item that we didn't need.

If you hate yourself for paying attention to something that's been bought with your money, then you really need to sort out your feelings before you have a child. Hating yourself in this way is not an appropriate reaction.

custardy

Loanranger wrote: »

A commitment to a child is huge and the biggest commitment that anyone can make. Just because they're easy to make, and any fool can do it, doesn't mean the responsibility ends with the conception or the birth.

Your GF is simply responding to her most basic drive which is to procreate.

Unfortunately, she has not shown any commitment towards you and to the relationship. What does she contribute? Instead she is loading the burden you already have. This is hardly an equal relationship and I would be running a mile.

I cannot understand why she hasn't got a job. Any job. If you live in a city there are plenty of low level jobs in catering and cleaning. At my local university, there are numerous jobs for cleaners and catering staff.
The Royal Mail has been advertising Christmas jobs. Yes, this work may be below the level of her qualifications but a job is a stepping stone to another job. Many employers are wary of long term unemployed people because they understand that there are jobs to be had if someone is prepared to knuckle down into the disciplines of work.

You obviously care for her but don't be blinded by love. If you allow her to have a baby you can look forward to a lifetime of financial worry and no amount of baby talk can alleviate this most dragging, never ending anxiety.

As another person said earlier, be very careful of an 'accidental' pregnancy.

Have the discussion with her about her responsibilities towards you and be firm that you expect to see a demonstrable commitment to work before you will consider a baby.

totally agree
given the OPs income I'm assuming they get no benefits
So a job bringing in £100 a week would mean £100 extra to the household

Oldernotwiser

spiritus wrote: »

Not really. Going back to college has been discussed but the courses are not free which in turn adds further expense to the household budget. It can be argued that it's an investment but still no guarantee.

She does cook and is obviously hampered by our budget but I feel our shopping bills could be cut even further which is why I often hate myself when I catch myself scrutinising the weekly supermarket receipt and questioning why we have bought a 97p item that we didn't need.

So she's sat around for several years doing nothing at all except wasting your money?

By the way, it's cheaper to cook from scratch and someone with a lot of time on her hands could be saving a lot of money by shopping and budgeting frugally.

oldhand

spiritus wrote: »

Thanks for your input but she didn't "use" me to come to the UK. She'd go back home tomorrow if she could as I'm the only thing that's keeping her here.

Buy her a ticket before she drags you under.:cool: