Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

MissMoneypenny

HappyMJ wrote: »

You could quite easily live on £17,000. Just how much should someone earn to be able to afford children?

On 17k they would be heavily dependant on welfare. Not a good time to do that with all the welfare cuts; rising prices; future welfare cuts to come with the recession/depression looming.

spiritus

I'm not very good at multiquoting so I'll do my best:-


"Is it a cultural thing OP? Has your partner ben brought up to believe that women shouldn't work?"

Not really. She comes from Central Europe. Most of her friend who are in relationships both work-even those with kids ! However, her mother gave up work at an early age because the father was earning enough to support both of them. Could this be an influence ? I don't know.

"Ask yourself why she is with you, and whether you want a child with her rather than anyone else"
I'd be happy to have a child with her. The only concern I have is her attitude towards work and it's a major concern. Her advancing years is making her think of starting a family now BEFORE we have a financial base.

"Do not however rob her of her chance to have a child."

I hope I'm not "robbing" her of anything.
That's a strange way of describing it.


Try to find out why she's desperate to have a baby, is it because she really wants a child and is worried about fertility issues as time goes on, or does she think it'll mean she won't have to work or that a woman's role is to look after children and the house and it's the man's role to provide financially so she doesn't see why she should work or could it be that because she's not working she feels that having a baby will make her feel like she's doing something worthwhile and won't be lonely at home?

I know why she's desperate....she's worried she's getting too old to have a baby and you may also be right that having a baby would make her feel she's doing something worthwhile

With my heart and soul I am ready to start a family but my head is telling me that if she's not working now she's even less likely to work once we have a child.

Thanks for your advice

spiritus

morocha wrote: »

Is she well qualified in her home land ? is that the reason she refuses to take a any job here ? I am foreign too, and when i came to live in the UK. it took me a year to learn to speak the language to a certain level to be able to get a job. I did it and i never worked at home before, i was only 20 years old when i came, i worked in 3 differents jobs at the same time cleaning, as a shop assistant and in tesco supermarket.
I felt bad for my partner funding everything for me and depending on him for everything. Does she not feel like this ? After a year married i felt pregnant and when my daughter was 7 month old I started my own little business online and did some cottage cleaning twice a week. Now my daughter is full time, i am going back to Uni to get some qualifications.

She had a decent job back in her own country, yes.

There's definitely an element of pride or even snobbishness on her part at "stooping down" to take low paid jobs. On the other hand, I would do what I had to to make ends meet. Maybe because the house is in my name and I'm paying all the bills she doesn't feel the strain like I do.

HappyMJ

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

On 17k they would be heavily dependant on welfare. Not a good time to do that with all the welfare cuts; rising prices; future welfare cuts to come with the recession/depression looming.

It's hardly heavily dependant claiming child benefit and some tax credits. I make it £65 a week in tax credits (which they should already be getting about £6 a week in working tax credits) and about £20 in child benefit. That's an extra £79 to put towards the childs expenses. How much do I need to earn to be able to afford a child? According to this thread I will never be able to earn enough to have a child.

Oldernotwiser

spiritus wrote: »

As a subsequent poster replied only myself and my g/f know what is genuine and what isn't. The point that I have concerns about I have raised on this board.

She didn't come here to claim benefits as some are insinuating.

But she hasn't needed to claim benefits when you're paying for everything!

I didn't mean that your GF doesn't care for you but she seems to have a cushy lifestyle and to be quite content to be a kept woman.

What work did she do in her own country and does she have qualifications that are recognised here?

What is her standard of English, both written as well as spoken?

What kind of work is she actually prepared to do and does it exist in the area in which you live?

Do you think that she knows enough about the UK benefits system to know how generously it supports lone parents?

MissMoneypenny

HappyMJ wrote: »

It's hardly heavily dependant claiming child benefit and some tax credits. I make it £65 a week in tax credits and about £20 in child benefit. How much do I need to earn to be able to afford a child?

For YOU to be able to afford your child yourself? Enough to be able to keep the child between you and your OH, without having to apply every year for the income based welfare payment, Tax Credits.

HappyMJ

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

For YOU to be able to afford your child yourself? Enough to be able to keep the child between you and your OH, without having to apply every year for the income based welfare payment, Tax Credits.

So about £41,300 then. At £40,000 it's still £10 a week in tax credits. Cheers. That's me not having a child ever then.

Lemon_Labs

Not meaning to sound harsh but it sounds like she's a little bit of a free loader and is taking you for a ride. You need to look at this situation and find out what you want and you're gonna play it. You could give her an ultimatum like she gets a full time job for the next 12 months and then you'll look in to starting a family in a year. It's not fair you have to do all the leg work here, why would anyone want to work when they are getting it given to them on a plate?

Time to lay down the law and be aware of those "happy little accidents".

spiritus

But she hasn't needed to claim benefits when you're paying for everything!
She's not entitled to any. She hasn't worked here long enough to be entitled to claim anything.

I didn't mean that your GF doesn't care for you but she seems to have a cushy lifestyle and to be quite content to be a kept woman.

What work did she do in her own country and does she have qualifications that are recognised here?
She had a decent job but there's not an exact equivalent over here

What is her standard of English, both written as well as spoken?
Excellent spoken English and good written

What kind of work is she actually prepared to do and does it exist in the area in which you live?
Mostly sales but most employers will gravitate towards those who have direct relevant experience and although it pains me to say it, English candidates in some cases

Do you think that she knows enough about the UK benefits system to know how generously it supports lone parents?
I don't think so but one thing I'm certain about is she would not want to live here permanently.

Errata

spiritus wrote: »

She had a decent job back in her own country, yes.

There's definitely an element of pride or even snobbishness on her part at "stooping down" to take low paid jobs. On the other hand, I would do what I had to to make ends meet. Maybe because the house is in my name and I'm paying all the bills she doesn't feel the strain like I do.

If you're not sharing financial information with her to enable you both to work to the same goals as a couple how on earth will you work together as a couple of parents? Being parents is about far more than the exchange of body fluids.
You may wish with all your heart and soul to be a father, but your heart and soul are writing cheques your wallet can't cash.
Why is the house only in your name after living together for 2.5 years? Why aren't you and she formally sharing it?