Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

VfM4meplse

spiritus wrote: »

"Ask yourself why she is with you, and whether you want a child with her rather than anyone else"
I'd be happy to have a child with her. The only concern I have is her attitude towards work and it's a major concern. Her advancing years is making her think of starting a family now BEFORE we have a financial base.

"Do not however rob her of her chance to have a child."

I hope I'm not "robbing" her of anything.
That's a strange way of describing it.

Hey, this wasn't meant to cause offence, what I meant was that the window of opportunity is now narrow so either agree or let her go. Big Aunty got it in one:

BigAunty wrote: »

It's not been mentioned here so far, but after the age of 35, a woman's fertility falls off a cliff

spiritus wrote: »

She smokes

Now I am going to be judgemental, anyone who smokes and tries for a baby is stupid and selfish. If your GF is truly serious about conceiving she will quit (the NHS will fund this).

Reading through thread, I initially thought that some of the responses have been harsh on your g/f, many it would appear from female MSEs. Times are tough and worse is to come......I am going to be the harshest of the lot. I think is time to stop playing the big man and trying to protect your g/f from the realities of life. Couples share things, joys, sadnesses and problems. From what you have described, there is a dependency here that mirrors a child-adult relationship.

DaisyFlower

There is no way i'd consider having a baby in these circumstances

She has let you support her for three years with no intentions of paying her own way in life. shes therefore highly unlikely to work once she has the excuse of a child to stay home.

What happens if you lose your job or need a second income to support the child, I cant see her rising to the occasion. Do you really want a child of yours growing up believing that its ok to not work and depend on others?

Owain_Moneysaver

spiritus wrote: »

Do you think that she knows enough about the UK benefits system to know how generously it supports lone parents?
I don't think so but one thing I'm certain about is she would not want to live here permanently.

She doesn't have to. Once you're the father she can claim a large chunk of your salary from you - even if she and the child return back to her country. Where half your salary will probably go a lot further.

Or is she expecting you to go back to her country with her? And get a job and keep her?

I don't believe she can't get a job in this country. Tens of thousands of East Europeans come to this country precisely for that purpose, and succeed despite not having your girlfriend's advantages.

thegirlintheattic

spiritus wrote: »

I don't think so but one thing I'm certain about is she would not want to live here permanently.

Does this suggest the relationship may not last in any case? Are you willing to move aboard? Could you get a job?

FBaby

If she is in her late 30s and both of you have spoken about having a child together, then she is totally right to consider trying now. Your chances of falling pregnant is much lower when you approach 40, but most importantly, if there is a problem on either side, it will be much more difficult to get it sorted out in time to still be fertile. From that perspective, she is totally right.

From a financial one, I also do think it is not impossible to raise a child on £17K a year. If you were unemployed or at risk, I would certainly telling you to forget about it, but you do have a job, you have prospect, you can raise a child. Saying that, her attitude to work for someone committed to being able to start trying for a baby is odd. Did she always work before she met you? ie. is it living in England that is a problem or does her past history shows an unwillingness to earn money? Surely after 2 1/2 years, she should be accepting that her dream job is not going to land on her lap, and even though she might feel that working in a supermarket is beneath her, if it is the condition to being able to try for a baby, if she so desperately want one, she would put her pride aside? As a matter of fact, I can't believe that you guys have waiting all this time before accepting that something wasn't right with her employment prospect and looked into what needed consideration. Does her CV looks good. Does she bother to write individual, enthusiastic and relevant cover letters? Does she research the positions/companies before going to interviews? Does she need interviewing skill training? Is it an issue with her foreign diplomas? Couldn't she have benefitted from doing some courses in the evenings during all that time? I just don't get this waiting 2 1/2 years doing nothing.

Anyway, you do need to talk. You need to work out in details if you could afford a baby as things are, if not, she needs to consider whether her longing for a baby is stronger than her pride regarding employment.

dandelionclock30

but plenty of cleaning/retail/call centre work.

No theres not, what utter rubbish!
Your partner will do what she wants ultimatley, if she doesnt want to do a job she doesnt fancy then she wont.
Its upto you to decide what you are prepared to do.

Errata

spiritus wrote: »

She doesn't have a "lifestyle" and nor do I.

We don't go out much as we can't afford it. She smokes and funds that by selling things on Ebay (I know, I know).

Looks like she prefers fags to alleviating your stress by contributing her ebay cash to the household budget.

neverdespairgirl

HappyMJ wrote: »

It's hardly heavily dependant claiming child benefit and some tax credits. I make it £65 a week in tax credits (which they should already be getting about £6 a week in working tax credits) and about £20 in child benefit. That's an extra £79 to put towards the childs expenses. How much do I need to earn to be able to afford a child? According to this thread I will never be able to earn enough to have a child.

that's well over £4,000 a year that taxpayers are forking out. Sounds quite a bit to me. I'd class that as heavily dependant.

AsknAnswer2

I'd give her an ultimatum.

Ultimatums are not something I like to encourage but sometimes they are necessary. Though this is more a compromise than an ultimatum.

'Get a job - any job - keep it for a year and then we'll discuss a child'.

Or

'Get a job - any job - use the money from that job to fund an OU course, get qualifications to get a better job that you want'.

Harsh as it may seem, she has no motivation to work at the moment. She's living off of you, and you let her. What would happen if you split up? She'd be forced to take a job - any job, even Morrisons - to survive because you say she does not qualify for benefit. Remove the motivation or use compromise.

You are not robbing her of her chance to have a child as someone else threw at you. You are just as entitled to the life you want as she is entitled to the life she wants. I want another child but my boyfriend doesn't. I want him to move in. He doesn't. I want to be with him therefore I am prepared - for the time being - to place my wants aside. He's not robbing me of anything, it's my choice to stay. Will I ever give him an ultimatum? Yes. If there is no further commitment in the next year at which point we will have been 'seeing each other' for 5 years, he's gone. Because as much as I love him, I have put my wants aside for him to live his life long enough. I will not deny him the right to live his life as he sees fit and whilst I've been prepared to put my wants aside over the years, I'm not prepared to do it forever. He's a right to live his life and I've a right to live mine. If we are not on the same page and are never gonna be, there is no relationship. And I can safely say that all his 'commitments' (excuses) not to commit to me should be gone by this time next year and then I want a commitment. A relationship is give and take, equal on both sides. I'm prepared to compromise and not have another child as I have children from a previous relationship but I still want us to live together (I'd prefer marriage but again would settle for living together). I'm prepared to do some of what he wants but I want some of what I want too. That's not robbing anyone of anything - we make our own ways in life.

Hope that gives you some food for thought.

LadyMorticia

The thing with supermarkets and the like is that there are usually opportunities to be promoted. I know someone who started out as a cashier worker in Tesco and now they're a Tesco manager.

I think that once someone starts believing that a certain role or job is beneath them, then sometimes they'll add more roles to the jobs they believe are beneath them, if that makes sense, until they're limited in what they'll apply for.

She needs to understand just how much you really spend to keep both you and her and how much of a struggle it really is. I take it she doesn't actually have any illnesses stopping her from working? And that it is just her "choice"?