Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

zzzLazyDaisy

Sixer wrote: »

Quite.

Frankly, I see tax credits as much as corporate welfare as I do welfare in the traditional sense (for individuals). At least half their effect is to support employers in paying starvation wages.

Thank you - that really is my point. The government sets the national minimum wage at a level that is not enough to support a family. Many employers use that as a benchmark for what to pay their workers. They do this knowing that this is the least they can get away with paying, and because the government will top this up for people with families. It is essentially a subsidy for employers, because if these child/family related benefits were not in place only childless people would be able to afford to work for subsistence wages.

laurz

anything i've wanted to say has been said. ask her to take any job she can it doesn't matter where it comes from money is money and if it takes some financial pressure off you (the one she loves and wants children with) i would have thought she'd have been all for it.

if it's her fertility dwindling that is her main factor in wanting children 'now' maybe you should point out that nothing speeds up the fertility ageing process like smoking for her and stress for yourself.
once she's stopped that and held down a job for 6 months maybe THEN it could be discussed again.

Riversong

Just promise us one thing... Wear an ahem... Hat until you are SURE you want a baby. You never know especially when it comes to broody ladies.x

meds12_2

spiritus wrote: »

My girlfriend has been living with me for 2.5 years. She came to the UK to live with me.

Most of those 2.5 years she has been out of work.

As we're both in our late thirties she's pressing me to start a family and I'm afraid how we would manage. My job only pays £ 17000 a year and with that I have to pay ALL the household bills, mortgage, utilities, food etc

I'm surprised I've been able to juggle the finances just on one wage as I didn't think it would ever be possible.

She has applied for plenty of jobs and sometimes gets the odd interview but nothing ever seems to come to fruition.

In the past we've had hypothetical discussions as to whether she would be willing to take jobs other than her preferred choice such as supermarket work but she has flatly refused to work in such a place.

I know she can sometimes be a little "slapdash" with her job searching as there are periods when she just seems to give up and not bother looking either due to feeling forlorn or being lethergic.

The last few years have put me under enormous strain financially and I sometimes hate myself for scrutinising supermarket bills and questioning why some things were bought that weren't really needed.

Amidst all this the question of having a baby is growing louder and louder. I would love to start a family but I'm petrified that the responsibility of paying all the bills will rest on my shoulders, not just now but for quite possibly for the rest of my life.

She's starting to turn the screw on me by telling me that I over analyse things too much (which is true) and that if you think about things too much then your life passes you by which I also recognise but I lack the conviction that things will ever change. She tells me money isn't everything and that in her case love is the most important thing and it's hard to argue against that but it's easy to hold such a romantic view if you're not worrying about how the bills are paid.


The thing is I understand the growing sense of urgency in starting a family due to her age but I'm worried that I would be the only one to support us.

Hello! Haven't read the whole thread as I don't have time, but...

I'd have the baby. If you leave it much longer it's likely she will be unable to have one - it may already be too late. However, I would insist that she starts applying for supermarket jobs - if she really wants a baby, then she'd apply. Obviously you would get Child Benefit, and most probably some child tax credits too, so life wouldnt be quite as bleak financially-speaking, as you'd imagine.

thorsoak

Honestly - I feel like the voice crying in the wilderness ....does this couple LOVE each other?? Or is having a child merely a financial step to take in growing up these days?

Whatever happened to the concept (!) of bringing a child into the world to share a loving relationship???

If there is only financial viability, then there should be no child!

peainapod

She can't want a baby that much if she's not willing to work in a supermarket to pay for it. Someone desperate for a baby would clean toilets with a toothbrush if it meant they could then afford a start a family they so desperately wanted. I also agree with many of the posts here, I know some of them sound harsh (and could be put a little nicer) but you should take a good hard (outside the box) look at the situation and imagine you were not the poster but the person replying, what would you think ? Hope you can sort it all out

neverdespairgirl

Apart from the money, it must be very hard for the OP to live in a relationship with someone who isn't pulling her weight.

This would apply to either gender, of course.

It's not just about earning, I reckon. it's about sharing and contributing. A stay at home parent doesn't "earn", but brings up the children, often does more of the housework / shopping / budgeting / etc.

If I were the OP, I'd be very unhappy about spending 2 or 3 years earning a living, with a partner who didn't do anything at all.

neverdespairgirl

VfM4meplse wrote: »

It's not very ambitious though is it? I was chatting to a lovely lad in my local superstore last night - he's been there for ages and is well known as he's such a delightful character - who has just completed his masters in chemical engineering. He is just too good to be on the customer services desk at Sainsbo's and I told him as much.

You have to start somewhere, and be prepared to do something while you wait for the ideal career / job / life to come along.

I am a barrister, as is my OH. I have an undergrad and two post-grad degrees.

While I was waiting to get pupillage, and applying for it etc, I worked at Ladbrokes (where I also worked part-time at uni and bar school). OH spent a year firstly temping, then doing admin at a pointless quango, before he got a job at a law centre, then two years later, pupillage.

Those jobs weren't ambitious, or particularly exciting, but they paid the bills.

neverdespairgirl

HappyMJ wrote: »

The average (median) salary in the UK is about £25,000 and the average family has 2 children and that family would get about £4,500 per year in tax credits and child benefit so does that mean that the majority of families in the UK are heavily dependant on welfare. That average family would be paying £5,600 in tax and NI.

Yes. The majority of families are heavily dependant on welfare. They pay £5,600 in tax and NI, get almost all of it back in various benefits, and also rely on the NHS, education, local council services, and all the rest of it.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Are the people who post about 'being heavily dependent on welfare' suggesting that people who fall into the above groups should not have children? The fact is that child support by the state has been around in the form of family allowance and increased tax breaks for years, and (in my view) it is not unreasonable to factor in those payments when considering whether having a child is financially viable.

I don't think those two things are the same at all. Getting £4,000 a year + in benefits seems, to me, "heavily dependant" on them. It's not the same as saying that person shouldn't have children.

From next year, my family won't get any benefits at all, as child benefit is going as a universal payment.

spiritus

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

And the deafening silence from the OP on the subject of his GF's budgeting/cooking/gardening efforts rather suggest that she's not pulling her weight on the domestic front now, without a child to care for.

The "deafening silence" ?? You're so dramatic OldTimer. I didn't come online yesterday but even if I did that doesn't mean I have to give you a running commentary on my relationship.......sorry to disappoint you.

What I have shared on this forum has been things that I'm comfortable sharing with a bunch of strangers (however harsh some people may have sounded). It gives me another perspective other than from my family and friends.

I welcome the advice and suggestions and would even welcome more but that doesn't mean I have to involve myself in a "Q & A" session.