Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

spiritus

My girlfriend has been living with me for 2.5 years. She came to the UK to live with me.

Most of those 2.5 years she has been out of work.

As we're both in our late thirties she's pressing me to start a family and I'm afraid how we would manage. My job only pays £ 17000 a year and with that I have to pay ALL the household bills, mortgage, utilities, food etc

I'm surprised I've been able to juggle the finances just on one wage as I didn't think it would ever be possible.

She has applied for plenty of jobs and sometimes gets the odd interview but nothing ever seems to come to fruition.

In the past we've had hypothetical discussions as to whether she would be willing to take jobs other than her preferred choice such as supermarket work but she has flatly refused to work in such a place.

I know she can sometimes be a little "slapdash" with her job searching as there are periods when she just seems to give up and not bother looking either due to feeling forlorn or being lethergic.

The last few years have put me under enormous strain financially and I sometimes hate myself for scrutinising supermarket bills and questioning why some things were bought that weren't really needed.

Amidst all this the question of having a baby is growing louder and louder. I would love to start a family but I'm petrified that the responsibility of paying all the bills will rest on my shoulders, not just now but for quite possibly for the rest of my life.

She's starting to turn the screw on me by telling me that I over analyse things too much (which is true) and that if you think about things too much then your life passes you by which I also recognise but I lack the conviction that things will ever change. She tells me money isn't everything and that in her case love is the most important thing and it's hard to argue against that but it's easy to hold such a romantic view if you're not worrying about how the bills are paid.


The thing is I understand the growing sense of urgency in starting a family due to her age but I'm worried that I would be the only one to support us.

WhiteHorse

Uses you to come to UK. Refuses to take a job. Insisting on pregnancy.

Definately time to take a cold, hard look.

sazzybum

WhiteHorse wrote: »

Uses you to come to UK. Refuses to take a job. Insisting on pregnancy.

Definately time to take a cold, hard look.

Harsh! But totally fair and true.

OP, take a little step back and read your post as if it was someone else in that situation. What would YOU advise them?

spiritus

WhiteHorse wrote: »

Uses you to come to UK. Refuses to take a job. Insisting on pregnancy.

Definately time to take a cold, hard look.

Thanks for your input but she didn't "use" me to come to the UK. She'd go back home tomorrow if she could as I'm the only thing that's keeping her here.

melly1980

wake up son, she wants you as a sperm donor. Just ask yourself this, what is she bringing to the party?

Dont ask the questions if your not gonna like the answers.

Emmzi

so could she find work or have family financial support in her home town? £17k a year is liveable if you like your job, if not, what is keeping you here?

Oldernotwiser

spiritus wrote: »

Thanks for your input but she didn't "use" me to come to the UK. She'd go back home tomorrow if she could as I'm the only thing that's keeping her here.

Suggest she does just this and watch her reaction - you may find it quite illuminating!

Marisco

spiritus, if she has a baby, do you really think she would make any effort to get a job? She 's not now, so you have no chance after!!! I think you are right to be concerned, and you probably will be "lumbered" for the rest of your life!! I would think very long and very hard about it if I were you! Is she from a culture that thinks a man should "provide"? Now is the time to sort money issues out though, not if/when she gets pregnant, which will then be too late!!

lizzywig

I'm inclined to agree with the other posts but also going to make a few suggestions because only you & she know if she's genuine.

Have you actually gone through your monthly outgoings with her and shown her how much comes in/goes out? It sounds to me like she doesn't quite get how stretched you are. You should also do some research about how much it costs to 1) make the initial purchases for a baby, e.g. cot, pram etc and 2) the ongoing life costs for a baby/small person/teenager. Factor this into your budget and show her if you can/can't afford it.

I would also suggest to her that if she get a job now and save for two years then you will agree to have a baby. Perhaps this might motivate her. I do agree though that by having a child this will be her excuse not to work.

I think you're being very responsible in thinking about this carefully and certainly not over anlysing things!!! What would you do if you had a baby and no money - hardly responsible.

spiritus

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Suggest she does just this and watch her reaction - you may find it quite illuminating!

As a subsequent poster replied only myself and my g/f know what is genuine and what isn't. The point that I have concerns about I have raised on this board.

She didn't come here to claim benefits as some are insinuating.

I will take up Lizzywig's suggestion and sit down with her to go through our expenses and incomings.

I'm extremely conflicted as we do both love each other but I'm learning that "love" manifests itself in different ways.

Even family friends have asked does she not want to help me.

Saying to someone "if you don't get a job then we're finished" or "you need to work at Morrisons-you have no choice" despite being in love with each other is tough but obviously the fact I'm asking the question on here means I'm aware of the options.

She's in her late 30's so things are starting to come to a head now

Errata

She can't afford a baby, you can't afford a baby ............ which bit of this doesn't she understand?
PS I can't afford to fund your baby either.