Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

Lady_gaga

Grow a pair and tell her you'll consider starting a family when she proves her commitment to providing for a baby by getting a job!! does she think working in a supermarket is beneath her? she sounds like a right catch...

threemuttleys

Do you think she has worked out how much more money (benefit) she would get if she has a child?

tell her, if she wants a baby badly enough, then she can go and get a part time job to fund it, if she does, you can have a baby, if she doesnt then theres her answer. Granted, jobs are harder to find atm, but plenty of cleaning/retail/call centre work.

Have you gone through with her how much everything costs?

HappyMJ

You could quite easily live on £17,000. Just how much should someone earn to be able to afford children?

Marisco

spiritus wrote: »

Saying to someone "if you don't get a job then we're finished" or "you need to work at Morrisons-you have no choice" despite being in love with each other is tough but obviously the fact I'm asking the question on here means I'm aware of the options.

You also need to try to get her out of the mindset that she can only work where she pleases. I cleaned a pub for 8 years, as it was money and the hours jelled with the kids being in school. It was not what I trained for!!!! But needs must, and it does sound like she is being very picky, and these days especially, she cannot afford to pick and choose. I wouldn't even entertain having kids, until she realises the cost of things, and shows a bit more willing.

MrsManda

It sounds like you're being very sensible and your girlfriend is either being irresponsible, immature or simply doesn't understand the situation you are both in. Only the two of you know which this is.

After 2.5years of job searching she really should've set her sights lower. Even in the economic climate over this time it shouldn't take 2.5 years to get any job if you're looking hard enough. What has she been doing while she's not working?

I suggest sitting down with her and going through all the finances and your concerns. If she loves you then she will listen and you will be able to work something out. Try to find out why she's desperate to have a baby, is it because she really wants a child and is worried about fertility issues as time goes on, or does she think it'll mean she won't have to work or that a woman's role is to look after children and the house and it's the man's role to provide financially so she doesn't see why she should work or could it be that because she's not working she feels that having a baby will make her feel like she's doing something worthwhile and won't be lonely at home?

Once you know the reason you may be able to find a way to reduce her urgency.

It's clear you are not ready for a child and therefore as it takes two she is going to have to wait until you are both ready, emotionally and financially. A warning note and I know it sounds terrible but if she's desperate for a child and you are using the Pill as your only form of contraception be aware it's very easy for her just to stop taking it without your knowledge.

No one should feel pressured into having a baby, it's not the latest gadget, it's a real person who is reliant on you for at least the next 18 years and if your partner continues to put pressure on you you need to have a honest look at your relationship and see where it is heading.

Out of interest, what do your friends think? It's worth seeing whether you can get an honest objective view from people you trust who know you as an individual and as a couple.

VfM4meplse

Lady_gaga wrote: »

Grow a pair and tell her you'll consider starting a family when she proves her commitment to providing for a baby by getting a job!! does she think working in a supermarket is beneath her? she sounds like a right catch...

That is indeed the test - no job, no baby. Like anyone not in work, she's miserable and depressed at times. Why has that not motivated her to make a positive life change, either by changing what she has here, or going back if that is what she wishes to do.

Ask yourself why she is with you, and whether you want a child with her rather than anyone else. And then ask her the same. If she wants to go back, let her. Do not however rob her of her chance to have a child.

You'll miss the sex of course but there are plenty of fish out there...

pink_princess

Is it a cultural thing OP? Has your partner ben brought up to believe that women shouldn't work? If so it will take alot to make her see that it just isn't possible over here on the wage you are on.

You sound like a very responsible person, don't bend & give in to her, just spend time showing her the reason's why you can't at the minute.

WelshPaul

WhiteHorse wrote: »

Uses you to come to UK. Refuses to take a job. Insisting on pregnancy.

Definately time to take a cold, hard look.

This Sorry ^^^^

MissMoneypenny

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Suggest she does just this and watch her reaction - you may find it quite illuminating!

It's so easy to see when we are on the outside.

OP. If she has managed to persuade you to keep her for years, then she would also be able to persuade you to move back to her county; if she really wanted to be there. Words are cheap.

Looking after a baby is hard work. If she can't be bothered to get a job, then how is she planning to look after this baby and worse; do the all night feeds and changes? Or is she planning for you to do all that too?

Nice people like you are so easily used, if they get the wrong partner.

Be careful of any "accidental" pregnacy.

morocha

Is she well qualified in her home land ? is that the reason she refuses to take a any job here ? I am foreign too, and when i came to live in the UK. it took me a year to learn to speak the language to a certain level to be able to get a job. I did it and i never worked at home before, i was only 20 years old when i came, i worked in 3 differents jobs at the same time cleaning, as a shop assistant and in tesco supermarket.
I felt bad for my partner funding everything for me and depending on him for everything. Does she not feel like this ? After a year married i felt pregnant and when my daughter was 7 month old I started my own little business online and did some cottage cleaning twice a week. Now my daughter is full time, i am going back to Uni to get some qualifications.