Unemployed girlfriend of 3 years pressing to have a baby

Marisco

To be fair spititus, people don't ask questions because they are "nosy", but to have more information in order to advise you. There could be mitigating circumstances that we don't know about, as to why you g/f doesn't work, i.e she could be disabled, not speak English well enough etc, rather than just being bone idle!

Say, for arguments' sake, you said your g/f wants a baby as she feels her "clock" is running out, so everyone then gives you advice. But later you inform us that she, or you, will have problems conceiving (for whatever reason) then it's odds on that the advice would be different.

Many times on threads, people have asked for advice, folk have obliged, then further down the thread something new comes out, which completely throws the previous advice out the window!!! That is the reason people ask questions!

spiritus

Marisco wrote: »

To be fair spititus, people don't ask questions because they are "nosy", but to have more information in order to advise you. There could be mitigating circumstances that we don't know about, as to why you g/f doesn't work, i.e she could be disabled, not speak English well enough etc, rather than just being bone idle!

Say, for arguments' sake, you said your g/f wants a baby as she feels her "clock" is running out, so everyone then gives you advice. But later you inform us that she, or you, will have problems conceiving (for whatever reason) then it's odds on that the advice would be different.

Many times on threads, people have asked for advice, folk have obliged, then further down the thread something new comes out, which completely throws the previous advice out the window!!! That is the reason people ask questions!

I appreciate that but "deafening silence" when I hadn't been online for a whole 24 hours is a little unnecessary.

I do appreciate what you're saying but I believe I have mentioned everything that is relevant. There are no other mitigating circumstances.

I don't have issues with people asking questions but I can do without the sarcasm.

Oldernotwiser

spiritus wrote: »

The "deafening silence" ?? You're so dramatic OldTimer. I didn't come online yesterday but even if I did that doesn't mean I have to give you a running commentary on my relationship.......sorry to disappoint you.

What I have shared on this forum has been things that I'm comfortable sharing with a bunch of strangers (however harsh some people may have sounded). It gives me another perspective other than from my family and friends.

I welcome the advice and suggestions and would even welcome more but that doesn't mean I have to involve myself in a "Q & A" session.

I'm sorry to have offended you but it was a perfectly reasonable question. You're the one who's given a lot of information about what your GF doesn't do and I was simply trying to find out whether she made any contribution at all.

ETA

It's actually nothing to do with your being offline either. You were online when I asked the question and were active for some time afterwards.

It would be reasonable to assume that if your GF was contributing in the ways I suggested (growing vegetables, budgeting and cooking cheap, home made meals from scratch) that you would have mentioned it to show how she was making some contribution, if not financial, to the relationship and the household.

I'm afraid that you're now coming over as someone who's asked a question and doesn't like the replies he's received. To be honest, I've not read a thread where people's replies have been so unanimous in their opinion. It's quite an achievement to unite members on the the Benefits Board, believe me!

margaretclare

Forgive me, I haven't read through all of this. However, I'm more than a little annoyed by the denigration of supermarket work that the OP's girl-friend seems to think is beneath her.

I have one question for her: 'Who the h*ll do you think you are?' Why do you think that supermarket work is so far beneath you?

I have done all kinds of jobs to keep a roof over my head. Menial jobs, far worse than working in a supermarket. My youngest GD wanted a career in travel and tourism, did a 3-year BTEC course, hasn't been able to get a job that's anything like what she wanted. So she works in one of the big supermarkets doing picking for internet grocery orders. She works some weekends, starting work at 5 am, has to get a taxi to get her there. It's called having a work ethic. I have the greatest respect for her. Her job is part-time, terrible hours but it's better than nothing.

You can tell I'm from a different generation. To me, even with all that I see around me, the words 'girl-friend' and 'baby' do not go together. If you'd said 'my wife wants a baby' that would have been entirely different.

Job-searching is, in itself, almost a full-time job. I echo those people who've said they would do anything, anything at all, rather than not have a job and pay their own way. I've never relied on a man to support me financially, never did, never would.

BTW, when my now-DH came here in 1997 he was 62, some might say already past his sell-by date, didn't think he'd ever get a job again, but he applied to a local call-centre and worked there for another 4 years. We both worked until we were 67.

spiritus

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I'm sorry to have offended you but it was a perfectly reasonable question. You're the one who's given a lot of information about what your GF doesn't do and I was simply trying to find out whether she made any contribution at all.

ETA

It's actually nothing to do with your being offline either. You were online when I asked the question and were active for some time afterwards.

It would be reasonable to assume that if your GF was contributing in the ways I suggested (growing vegetables, budgeting and cooking cheap, home made meals from scratch) that you would have mentioned it to show how she was making some contribution, if not financial, to the relationship and the household.

I'm afraid that you're now coming over as someone who's asked a question and doesn't like the replies he's received. To be honest, I've not read a thread where people's replies have been so unanimous in their opinion. It's quite an achievement to unite members on the the Benefits Board, believe me!

Trust me, if I didn't want to hear people's opinions then I would not have posted on here in the first place. I know from experience how "brutal" this place can be at times but I've got broad shoulders and can take it. At the end of the day there'd be no point in me asking a sensitive and personal question and then need wanting to see the feedback.

I took issue with your colourful phrase of "deafening silence". It came across as a little sarcastic.

If I didn't answer your question then I'm sorry but the response on this thread has taken me by surprise a little and I don't have the time to reply to every question that has been asked on all six pages.

Back on track, yes she does do the cooking (from scratch) and in a way I think that's possibly become the focus of her days now.

Some posters have advised to deliver an ultimatum and if she gets a job then we start a family in a year or two. The problem is I'm acutely aware we're running out of time so I think it's time to make a decision one way or the other.

As it's her birthday today I think I will wait until the weekend before we have a long chat about it.

HappyMJ

margaretclare wrote: »

Forgive me, I haven't read through all of this. However, I'm more than a little annoyed by the denigration of supermarket work that the OP's girl-friend seems to think is beneath her.

I have one question for her: 'Who the h*ll do you think you are?' Why do you think that supermarket work is so far beneath you?

I have done all kinds of jobs to keep a roof over my head. Menial jobs, far worse than working in a supermarket. My youngest GD wanted a career in travel and tourism, did a 3-year BTEC course, hasn't been able to get a job that's anything like what she wanted. So she works in one of the big supermarkets doing picking for internet grocery orders. She works some weekends, starting work at 5 am, has to get a taxi to get her there. It's called having a work ethic. I have the greatest respect for her. Her job is part-time, terrible hours but it's better than nothing.

You can tell I'm from a different generation. To me, even with all that I see around me, the words 'girl-friend' and 'baby' do not go together. If you'd said 'my wife wants a baby' that would have been entirely different.

Job-searching is, in itself, almost a full-time job. I echo those people who've said they would do anything, anything at all, rather than not have a job and pay their own way. I've never relied on a man to support me financially, never did, never would.

I doubt you'll change her "work ethic". Some people enjoy working in supermarkets. I don't. My "work ethic" is to work as little as possible in return for as much as possible and long hours at 5am starts in return for a few pounds is not my idea of working. I couldn't do it. I agree with you she should morally do something to help out either in employment or around the house in return for some spending money.

VfM4meplse

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

You have to start somewhere, and be prepared to do something while you wait for the ideal career / job / life to come along.

I am a barrister, as is my OH. I have an undergrad and two post-grad degrees.

While I was waiting to get pupillage, and applying for it etc, I worked at Ladbrokes (where I also worked part-time at uni and bar school). OH spent a year firstly temping, then doing admin at a pointless quango, before he got a job at a law centre, then two years later, pupillage.

That is different - you both had a vocational qualification in law, and didn't lose sight of your aspiration to the bar. I would say the same of medics, dentists, pharmacists, optoms, accountants etc, we've all had to do menial for a limited time to survive whilst in a state of "pre-registration". It's those with non-vocational qualifications / who don't wish to pursue a career related to that vocation that are likely to get lost in a career abyss. The recovery can be long and hard if you don't have a goal in the first place.

duchy

How about a bit of goal setting ?

"When we have £XXXX in savings we could try for a baby"

Work out what kind of safety net in the bank would make you more comfortable about having a baby-add on the cost of kitting out for a baby-and you have your £XXXX figure. You could calculate the figures together. Maybe having a goal would motivate her into wanting to find work and contribute to the household income ?

It's all very well people saying she "should" feel a certain way-but it's obvious she doesn't so maybe an incentive like this would help change her mindset ?

Mupette

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

It's actually nothing to do with your being offline either. You were online when I asked the question and were active for some time afterwards.

to be fair, if the person has the green light on by their name, doesnt always mean they are at the pc.

I am sure i am not alone with this, i may have MSE up as one of my open tabs, but they are all up on my screen, i just don't sit at my pc... and the pc could be just left on for days... showing me constantly on mse..

Oldernotwiser

Mupette wrote: »

to be fair, if the person has the green light on by their name, doesnt always mean they are at the pc.

I am sure i am not alone with this, i may have MSE up as one of my open tabs, but they are all up on my screen, i just don't sit at my pc... and the pc could be just left on for days... showing me constantly on mse..

I agree, however I was going by the times of the OP's answers though.