I Have Messed Up My Life Bigtime

messedup_3

It is a long harrowing story. Ten years ago my daughter died at the hands of my husband.i suffered extreme post trauma , last year I received compensation money but I was very depressed and ill and so the money brought me flash backs and post trauma again. I became addicted to online casinos. I blew the whole lot. And that led me to blowing into debt big time.
I have never ever been indebt in my life and I am very sad and disgusted with myself.I am so disgusted it has cured me of the gambling.I have always been a saver and now I am devastated with myself and all thos people I let down and all because of post trauma leading to one thing and another
I have a very supportive partner who pays all bills. So I only pay 260 living expenses out of my wage, which makes so much worse the guilt of what I have done. My salary is 1200pcm. HOWEVER my debts are made up as follows
lloyds tsb cc 54000
lloyds o d 3500
lloyds od 5000
virgin cc 3400
natwest 3500
tsb loan 10000
n rock loan 10000

I am that low and depressed I hate myself so much I wish my daughter was still alive and I have let the people I love most down because of my illness.I work hard and one of my pet hates was debt..I want to pay every single penny off. my credit rating was excellent and now its poor. My own fault.
I dont want to live anymore I hate myself full stop.

southernscouser

OK first things first before any advice missy!

All this talk of letting people down stops now. You have let no-one down at all! You have had to deal with !!!!!! that I can't even begin to imagine so the guilt trips stop now! OK?

Welcome to MSE by the way! :hello:

corsanita

You haven't let ANYONE down. No one.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of that, and I am new to MSE so don't have much practical advice yet - but there is a lot of knowledge here and they WILL help you.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone, this is one of the most genuinely helpful & supportive 'virtual' communities.

(HUG)

fabianne

You have done a brave thing by facing up to the situation and posting on here is the first step to finding info,all the advice from lovely kind people who are in a similar place to yourself-they will guide you and help.
You are not alone-well done for posting!

teejay68_3

I agree with what others have said here. You haven't let anyone down, to deal with something like a loss of a child in whatever circumstances is just something I couldn't even comprehend, it must have been and still be a nightmare. At the end of the day what's debt compared to that, it is only money at the end of the day, and I'm sure there will be lots of people on here with some great advice for you.

emmamcr

((Messed up))
There are lots of people here who have made mistakes, and everyone wants to help you. You've taken a huge step by facing up to things, and just take it one day at a time.

You can move forward. Are you in touch with anyone about your feelings and upset? It sounds like you will have to deal with your emotions as well as your debt.

Take care, and remember, today is the first day of your new life

messedup_3

The guilt I feel is unbearable.I am very low, the debts are giving me post trauma, I miss my daughter. I have lost my will to live...and I have nothing to give my 2 boys who I love so much...I am an irresponsible mother, I want to pay it back...I am not materialistic I save dont spend BUT the post truama led me to gamble 37k away of compensation money because it was blood money and now I am in debt myself. and it was made worse as the tsb gave me 9000k OVERDRAFT online without checking if i could afford it.I was ill am ill and always will miss my daughter

I AM SO SORRY

messedup_3

Thankyou for all your kind words.I just want to pay it back. I cant get anymore loans or credit cards etc..my credit rating was excellent this time last year.I DO NOT want iva or anything. I am an evil person, I do not even deserve help

Little_Miss_Winner

Hi messedup, you have NOTHING to be sorry for.

Debts aside, have you seen your family gp for the depression you are feeling at the moment.
Please seek help, and let the people around you know how much you are hurting.
Your health is worth so much more than the debt you owe.
Please seek advice asap, and speak to your partner about how sad you are at the moment.

Sending you loads of ((((hugs))))

pot
xx

corsanita

Sweetie, you do not have to apologise. No one is judging you. You are a very brave person for confronting all of this. I echo what others have said, money is only a number at the end of the day. Life is ever so much more important.

There is support and help out there to work with you through all of this. Please consider contacting a support group, or your GP. You don't have to shoulder this all on your own.

xx

southernscouser

messedup wrote:

The guilt I feel is unbearable.I am very low, the debts are giving me post trauma, I miss my daughter. I have lost my will to live...and I have nothing to give my 2 boys who I love so much...I am an irresponsible mother, I want to pay it back...I am not materialistic I save dont spend BUT the post truama led me to gamble 37k away of compensation money because it was blood money and now I am in debt myself. and it was made worse as the tsb gave me 9000k OVERDRAFT online without checking if i could afford it.I was ill am ill and always will miss my daughter

I AM SO SORRY

I know it's all very well some strangers on the internet telling you you're not to blame but try and look at it this way. We have nothing to gain from lying to you. You have suffered from an illness. The illness caused you to get into debt. Not you.

You've lost the will to live? Aren't your boys worth living for? Isn't the memory of your daughter worth living for?

We can offer you loads of financial help but I think you also need to seek some help from your doctor. You have to take one step at a time and I think that should be the first one you make. When you are ready we will be here to offer you as much advice as you need/can take.