Moving on from a break up...Part Deux!

lufcgirl

Well when the temptation to text is there...post on here! So that's what I'm doing. Convinced the X Factor result made me do it, so many songs to remind me of times together.

Other than that it's still been a good day, I've just been talking to friends and it's been funny. Other than putting my foot in it a few times. Will. Not. Text. Or. Call.

Emmzi

30 day challenge. no contact for 30 days is what it takes to break the habit.

start a countdown clock...

lufcgirl

Hello!

So I figured it's been over a month now since the break up so time for an update!

For the first two weeks I was like a zombie, literally. I would work and sleep. I was barely eating, until my Mother practically forcefed me. And now it's slightly getting there. I stopped texting and calling all the time about 10 days or so ago and it does get easier, I don't pick my phone up and expect that it's her texting, although I do with a phone call (and it usually is!) Not a day goes by, or even a minute when I don't think about her, but it's manageable. I even tried the internet dating but that was a bit of a disaster, I'm not over it at all yet properly.

Anyway, fast forward to Sunday gone. And I'd sent three texts in total within ten days before that when she calls out of the blue. Being all nice and Hello, how are you? How's your family? etc etc...and then gets all horrible and flips saying that she wants me never to call or text again and that she dislikes me as a person. And she never loved me again and she's in love with someone else. Eventually she said she was lying about being in love with someone else she just thought I'd hate her more if I did that. I left the phone call and just haven't spoke to her since.
Until today! When she calls again wanting a complete update on my life, and tells me all about hers. And apparently again she is in love with someone else but called me because she had wine last night! The most lame excuse ever. When I asked why she hasn't called this other person instead...no answer. Whenever I said well it's unfair on this other person because you know they're not me, and we both know you're lying to yourself, she just went silent and wouldn't say anything. And then she flipped again and says how much she dislikes me and blah blah blah. I was just like ok, I hope you're happy with whoever it is and that's about it.

I've text since and told her that she can text or call me anytime but she cannot mess with my head anymore as it isn't fair. I know I have rubbish days most days but when she calls she knows exactly what she's doing!

coin_operated_girl

You broke up, what, like a month ago? and she is still doing this. Seriously, change your number and delete her number/ texts from your phone. If you can't quite bring yourself to getting rid of her number do what my housemate did, delete the number from your phone, write it down on a piece of paper and give it to someone and tell them not to give you that piece of paper back for say at least 3 months. That way you can't be tempted to text her but at least you have the comfort of knowing that in the future you can get back in contact if you wish.

Its pretty obvious that she is just playing games. She probably doesn't hate you, she probably just enjoys trying to have some kind of power over you. She is going to keep messing with you until you stop her. I don't thinking asking her to stop is going to be enough because, no offence, but she sounds a little unstable and quite manipulative. She knows exactly what shes doing- you just have to show her that you are not going to put up with it any more.

Cherry_Bomb

She sounds like a very confused person.
She broke up with you, she doesn't want you anymore but she also wants to know you miss her. It's a feeling of being wanted she obviously craves.
Not saying it's right though!

Everything she's saying to you is for a reaction and by you not giving it to her (eg you reacting with jealousy at the thought of her being with someone else) she's eventually get bored and stop.

You're doing fantastically well and although no-one can really deep down made you feel better you WILL get through this.

xx

dorisday

Read your post with interest and I can remember your first post. My advice is this person is sadly insane and you seem to have made yourself her battering board you really need to get some b---s. She has some serious emotional problems and you are letting yourself be damaged also and your damage is going to spread if you dont stop this nonsense with her.
You are in charge of what you do and how you feel so stop letting this mad girl bully you. xx

shellsuit

lufcgirl wrote: »

Hello!

So I figured it's been over a month now since the break up so time for an update!

For the first two weeks I was like a zombie, literally. I would work and sleep. I was barely eating, until my Mother practically forcefed me. And now it's slightly getting there. I stopped texting and calling all the time about 10 days or so ago and it does get easier, I don't pick my phone up and expect that it's her texting, although I do with a phone call (and it usually is!) Not a day goes by, or even a minute when I don't think about her, but it's manageable. I even tried the internet dating but that was a bit of a disaster, I'm not over it at all yet properly.

Anyway, fast forward to Sunday gone. And I'd sent three texts in total within ten days before that when she calls out of the blue. Being all nice and Hello, how are you? How's your family? etc etc...and then gets all horrible and flips saying that she wants me never to call or text again and that she dislikes me as a person. And she never loved me again and she's in love with someone else. Eventually she said she was lying about being in love with someone else she just thought I'd hate her more if I did that. I left the phone call and just haven't spoke to her since.
Until today! When she calls again wanting a complete update on my life, and tells me all about hers. And apparently again she is in love with someone else but called me because she had wine last night! The most lame excuse ever. When I asked why she hasn't called this other person instead...no answer. Whenever I said well it's unfair on this other person because you know they're not me, and we both know you're lying to yourself, she just went silent and wouldn't say anything. And then she flipped again and says how much she dislikes me and blah blah blah. I was just like ok, I hope you're happy with whoever it is and that's about it.

I've text since and told her that she can text or call me anytime but she cannot mess with my head anymore as it isn't fair. I know I have rubbish days most days but when she calls she knows exactly what she's doing!

That's what she has done since you met, so why expect her to change?

You're a glutton for punishment and it'll only carry on because you let it.

lufcgirl

I just don't even know where she's got the time to meet and fall in love with somebody else, especially for someone who before me was incapable of loving anybody (but all that was a lie apparently!)

I think the most telling thing was part of the conversation that went like this:
Her (sounding sad): Well me and you don't work, and this person and I have things in common and we agree on moral subjects
Me: That's an excellent justification for pretending to love someone, but at the end of the day they're not me are they?
Her: Silence......

It's hilarious, I know everyone deals with breakups in different ways but to me it's only 50/50 she's with anybody else let alone in love with them. As soon as I say anything about being together she gets defensive, flips and starts with the hating me thing. She said it was a mistake calling me, and I said well you'll keep doing it. And then defensive again no I won't I won't. So I said call me tonight, to see if she does more than anything, so we'll see. And when I said about someone I'd been talking to it was 'well you can't be hurting that much can you, you're moving on'. I was like no, I just spoke to someone about us at work!

Thank you...I do honestly want to be there as a friend to her. But the person I love is long gone and to me, that side of her will never come back. I've just realised that today.

And thank you again, I really am proud of myself for not calling or texting! My friends always keep saying she'll come back if I don't call or text, and look...it keeps happenning. I'm not horrible and I know that as much as she's shocking as a girlfriend she's actually pretty decent just to talk to in a friends capacity (we were for four months before we were together) so I will always be there for her. Just not putting up with her trying to make me jealous rubbish anymore.

coin_operated_girl

Its far too early to be there for her as a friend. The fact that you keep over-analysing everything she does/says proves that you aren't over her (not criticising you, I do this all the time about things). Its really nice that you still want to be there for her, but you need to look out for yourself first. I really think you are stopping yourself from moving on by staying in contact. Sure, 6 months down the line when you are over her you can be there for her but not now, its too soon and honestly, I don't see this situation changing until you change it.

lufcgirl

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Its far too early to be there for her as a friend. The fact that you keep over-analysing everything she does/says proves that you aren't over her (not criticising you, I do this all the time about things). Its really nice that you still want to be there for her, but you need to look out for yourself first. I really think you are stopping yourself from moving on by staying in contact. Sure, 6 months down the line when you are over her you can be there for her but not now, its too soon and honestly, I don't see this situation changing until you change it.

I think to an extent I have changed it. Of course I love and miss the person that was once there but they're not anymore. A month ago I couldn't go an hour without trying to call or text, now it's me that's the one not talking at all and her that keeps coming back calling when she wants something. I'm some sort of weakness to her, I get that, and I know that she doesn't hate me, she doesn't even dislike me at all. She just needs attention, and I know she does miss me too, not even in a psycho sense.

Being friends is something I could do, I'd rather have her there as a friend than not in my life at all. And that may not make sense to a lot of people, but she was/is a huge part of my life and just because we've broke up it's not a reason for us both to disappear from each others lives.


Another thing too is that I have (I think) maybe met someone else. But I know I'm not over my ex, they know that too. They've basically supported me through the whole break up and called and listened to me literally all the time. She's a lovely girl but lives quite far away! And has a lot of hangers on herself, and she says I'm perfect but she'd couldn't be with me because she'd compare herself to my ex too much. So I think today has made me realise I need to start looking at what's right infront of me rather than what could have been.