it would all be great but............

Abbafan1972

oldtractor wrote: »

my family background is that every one is married and settled me and my DH have been together nearly 30 yrs. he seems fine but to me parents should be married and living together with father supporting and preferably mother at home. All this modern stuff is totally alien to me and I just wan my son and his ex to be a happy little family as all my relatives are.

I am sorry for what has happened, but I really think you need to get out of your little 1950's bubble and get real. :eek:

*Redhead*

3v3 wrote: »

*Redhead* - I did say if the situation had been reversed Meaning, his house, she didn't leave - same scenario but reversed

I just thought you meant him taking a girl back. Sorry

Then in that situation i think the majority of people would understand?

I would never dream of staying in an ex's house. After a break up I would expect both parties to move on, living in the same house would definitely be a no no for me.

euronorris

3v3 wrote: »

*Redhead* - I did say if the situation had been reversed Meaning, his house, she didn't leave - same scenario but reversed

In that case, I could understand if he made the decision to move on regardless and that part of that would've been bringing home the new girlfriend.

Personally, I wouldn't view it any differently. No one should be expected to put their life on hold because someone else doesn't want them to move on.

Birdy12

Abbafan1972 wrote: »

I am sorry for what has happened, but I really think you need to get out of your little 1950's bubble and get real. :eek:

oldtractor wrote: »

but to me parents should be married and living together with father supporting and preferably mother at home.

OP has a right to voice this opinion as I mentioned before (note the highlighted bit). She doesn't need to come out of her '1950's bubble and get real' on this point.

Nicki

All this stuff about the OP being of a different generation with different values is making me laugh a bit I have to say.

OP's son is in his twenties according to her first post. So she is likely to be no older than her sixties, but could in fact be about my age (mid forties). Even at the older end of the range, she was young in the swinging sixties when extramarital sex so I understand it was not unknown! Unless she is a medical marvel, she certainly isn't some elderly lady in her seventies or eighties whose sensibilities need to be treated with kid gloves.

I haven't posted on this thread before but I read the OP as a happily married mother of three who has never had a sexual relationship with anyone but my husband of 22 years (so OP's dream woman ) and I was offended on behalf of the ex girlfriend!

ska_lover

ceridwen wrote: »

Oh dear.....Old Tractor - I'm sorry to see some of the nasty comments that have been written about you.

They are untrue and unfair and I feel for you having to read such comments.

My guess is that you are in the same generation I am and there is this thing in "currently fashionable thinking" that a lot subscribe to about "It simply doesnt matter if parents are married or otherwise together" - whilst at the same time sticking to the "fashionable thinking" of two generations and more back that both biological parents are equally responsible (even though that hasnt been the case since the Pill and legalised abortion came along in the 1970s).

I dont quite understand how some people can reconcile one aspect of fashionable 21st century thinking with the other aspect of very old-fashioned 1950s era and before thinking at one and the same time in their heads - but there you go...some people seem to be able to do so somehow.

I'm with you that a child is supposed to be loved/wanted/planned by BOTH parents.

I'm with you in thinking "What sort of woman sleeps with another man whilst her boyfriend is there in the same house?". The other man is very lucky your son didnt barge in there and "demonstrate the strength of his feelings" on the spot. I would say "!!!!!!" is a perfectly accurate word to describe a woman who would do something like that.

Anyway - I understand why you feel the way you do and sympathise. If I'd had a son finding he was going to be a father when he hadnt agreed to this in advance - the woman concerned would have had me on her doorstep sharpish to help sort the situation out.

Since she went ahead and had the child and they went ahead and lived together - then whats done is done and all you can do now is be as supportive as you can to your son and try to fulfil the "good grandparent" role to the child and carefully never ever say a word to the child about his mother. The poor child didnt choose to have someone like her as a mother - but thats what he got - so the best thing you can do is fulfil the "responsible, caring adult" role in his life. Once he reaches adulthood at some point it will strike him that he has never ever heard you say one single word about what you think of his mother - and probably add up the circumstances of his birth and realise why for himself....but thats as maybe and in the future.

So - just stay in absolutely "neutral" mode with this woman and "good grandmother - who never says a word about this woman to her child" and thats the best you can do now about this situation.

Good luck.

I have to say that most people who end up in this situation do not set a goal in life to be a single parent, and it certainly isn't fashionable or a lifestyle choice. I am sure most people would agree that it IS definately the best idea to have two parents around but in reality that is not always possible for various reasons.

I was a single parent for 14 years until i met my lovely OH , and it is much MUCH harder bringing up a child without the father around. I wasn't a single parent by choice and I have never met anyone who was or is. It's a myth. No one on earth would choose to live that kind of life, as it is the hardest thing on earth to do.

Single parents constantly get slammed - but society should be applauding them for doing the job of two people by themselves and trying to make the best of the hand of cards they have been dealt.They are the ones standing by their children/commitments whilst the absentee parent galavants off (or whatever). They really do not deserve judging by people who have had absolutely no experience of what life is like trying to raise kids on your own.

In an ideal world - I agree that a child is supposed to be loved and wanted by both parents, but with all respect, there are situations where the household is better without the father in it, i.e violence, abuse etc.

Bringing up a child as a single parent is like riding a bicycle with one leg - it can be done with a lot of time and major amounts of effort, but it is not advisable.

rachbc

OMG I didn't now my ex MIL used the interent!!!

As someone further down to the road to a very similar situation if I was you I'd bite my tongue - my son is now 13 and knows what his gandmother thinks of me and funnily enough its not me he dislikes because of it!

My son is loved and wanted by both parents - they just love and want him whilst living in seperate houses.