it would all be great but............

Lotus-eater

euronorris wrote: »

Taking the softly, softly approach has never worked with any of them, but bluntness has sometimes worked.

There's being blunt and then there's being rude, shouty and obnoxious.
Hardly the way to bring her round to a POV I would have thought.

aliasojo

euronorris wrote: »

Just as she is not infallible, neither are they.

Good point. Taken on board.

One thing I would say though...she is dealing with people known to her, it's different. She has formed an idea about someone over time. We are dealing with strangers and have a few lines in a post to go on.

I would never dream of speaking to a stranger, in the nasty way people do on here sometimes. Whereas I would cheerfully tell my son in no uncertain terms what a nasty piece of work he was being (if needed ).

It's about having the manners to know where to draw the line. Imo.

euronorris

Lotus-eater wrote: »

There's being blunt and then there's being rude, shouty and obnoxious.
Hardly the way to bring her round to a POV I would have thought.

*shrugs* People aren't perfect. Some of those people probably didn't realise they would be viewed in such a way. I know I sometimes f*** it up royally, when it is not my intention.

Of course, some are just rude, shouty and obnoxious all the time.

But I don't think the posters are anymore to blame for how this thread has turned out, than the OP is.

*Redhead*

I think the fact she was so judgemental about the boys mother is the reason people were angry. Nowhere in her post does is suggest that the little boy isn't loved or happy or cared for, and to me, that is far more important than your parents living together.

And just to add, I'm clearly of a different generation to the OP.
But I was brought up to believe that it was better to be married before having children.

However, things don't always work out how people want them to.
I fell pregnant at 19, and was married shortly after this. We had the perfect family. Until my ex cheated.
I then became a single mum,through no choice of my own, something I never thought I would be.

Had anyone suggested to me that my child would now be disadvantaged, I would have been gobsmacked.
She is 5 now, and she is clever, healthy and one of the happiest children I know.

I just thought the OP should realise that the situation isn't so bad. Her grandchild isn't in danger, he isn't being neglected and surely that is the most important thing?

meg72

OP I just wanted to send a hug and say I feel for you.

I was in a very similar situation and frame of mind when my ex-daughter in law hurt my Son. thankfully he was a devoted and loving Dad who would not allow anything to come between him and his kids. I had to bite my tongue and work with her to keep this relationship going for the sake of the kids. I found it very hard at first but it got easier.

I thank God that i did as my Son is dead now but I am able to continue my relationship with his children and my ex DIL is very supportive of this. I know she would not be if I had voiced some of the things I thought at the time.

I would like to share this with you as it has helped me a great deal:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

euronorris

aliasojo wrote: »

Good point. Taken on board.

One thing I would say though...she is dealing with people known to her, it's different. She has formed an idea about someone over time. We are dealing with strangers and have a few lines in a post to go on.

I would never dream of speaking to a stranger, in the nasty way people do on here sometimes. Whereas I would cheerfully tell my son in no uncertain terms what a nasty piece of work he was being (if needed ).

It's about having the manners to know where to draw the line. Imo.

I would question how well she knows the mother though, as it isn't clear from the OP. For all we know, she has only met the mother a handful of times and she is being fed the majority of this information from the son only.

I still feel that it didn't give her the right to say what she did, anymore than her post gave other users the right to respond the way they did.

3v3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

....
And some think the OP might be a little upset by the answers? Compared to how the boy's mother might feel about how the woman speaks of her? ...

That assumes that the OP has made her feelings known to the mother; we *only* know that she has made her feelings known to "us" to put her dilema into context. I assumed she wrote her feelings here, but doesn't communicate them to her grandson or his mother.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

....


Nah, not a person I would ever wish on a child to have as a grandparent, if one millisecond of her personality as expressed here is displayed in public.

In the main, she actually does come across as a rather pleasant person who I wouldn't mind my children being around!

I've looked at some of her other posts on the boards, she is a polite, supportive poster who is often helping others with advice/information. She always writes "thank you" if someone gives her information in return.

We are all capable of "blips" when we're at our lowest; I would rather form an opinion of someone based on more than one emotional post

Would posters have been any more supportive if she has called her son names? (From my experience there isn't a male word for !!!!!!: it's usually "nice one, mate!")
What if, she posted that her son had taken a bed friend home if the situation had been reversed? Would you have been sympathetic/supportive towards him? Chances are most would have called him a !!!!!! and then held total tea and sympathy for the girl, complaining "how dare he!"

Ah, well, we live and learn and human behaviour is a rich tapestry of diversity, contraditions, enlightenment, confusion, laughter and tears.

3v3

meg72 wrote: »

OP I just wanted to send a hug and say I feel for you.

I was in a very similar situation and frame of mind when my ex-daughter in law hurt my Son. thankfully he was a devoted and loving Dad who would not allow anything to come between him and his kids. I had to bite my tongue and work with her to keep this relationship going for the sake of the kids. I found it very hard at first but it got easier.

I thank God that i did as my Son is dead now but I am able to continue my relationship with his children and my ex DIL is very supportive of this. I know she would not be if I had voiced some of the things I thought at the time.

I would like to share this with you as it has helped me a great deal:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

:T:T:T

This has to be *the* post of the thread!

My sympathies regarding your son - but what a wise road you chose as you now continue to reap the benefits.

*Redhead*

3v3 wrote: »

What if, she posted that her son had taken a bed friend home if the situation had been reversed? Would you have been sympathetic/supportive towards him? Chances are most would have called him a !!!!!! and then held total tea and sympathy for the girl, complaining "how dare he!"

Ah, well, we live and learn and human behaviour is a rich tapestry of diversity, contraditions, enlightenment, confusion, laughter and tears.

I think the problem with that, is that it was the girls house. And he didn't leave.
So why shouldn't she carry on with her life, if he won't go?

And the OP maybe should have called her son names, irresponsible springs to mind, rather than making it out to seem like the girl 'trapped' him?

Just my opinion

3v3

*Redhead* - I did say if the situation had been reversed Meaning, his house, she didn't leave - same scenario but reversed