Just received this - please help

Emmzi

You're not denying him entry.

But you'll sleep better at night knowing he'll have to ring the doorbell to get in. And he'll have to ask to come in.

And in effect, "ask your permission" to come in when you are there.

So, you aren't denying him access when you are not there. In fact you're not denying him access at all. But it's a subtle shift to "on my terms."

You need to start somewhere chick. This is an easy one.

You'll get through it. You're strong.

blue_monkey_2

Can someone please tell DH how to do a screenshot and save it to a data key please - is this possible. I think it is important (and I have PM'd her about it) but I do not know how to do that.

Also, DH, he does NOT have you over a barrel. Read my PM and then you will realise that you hold more cards than you can possibly ever realise and it is time to use them. It is time to crank it up a notch sweetie, and it is time to mean it, you will feel 100 times better if he is not waltzing in when he feels like it. As someone else said, get a door chain and use it, he will either call the police (and you can act all innocent and say you did not know as you have not seen a solicitor yet), go to a solicitor or start leaving you alone. He comes around because he knows he can when he feels like it, you need to make sure he cannot. Choose 2 days and these are the ones he comes to see you. End of. Any more and the door will be locked. What are the chances of him calling the police? I'd say about 3%.

Even if he begged you to take him back he would still be hankering over this fetish, and if you could not give him that then it would never work and you would have a deep, deep mistrust of him.

Maybe you can get one of those 'personalised' jigsaws for Xmas......

Caroline_a

Great idea Emm. I know you've gone to bed DH, but next time he tries to bulldoze you, just imagine all the MSE'ers standing behind you. I'm sure if you come back tomorrow there'll be an MSE'er in Wales who can hold your hand when necessary.

DH, remember, you're recovering from being poorly, of course you don't feel very strong. Maybe vitamin tablets might help. What I would do is maybe take the kids out straight from school one day when he hasn't told you he's turning up, but you suspect he is. So he'll be sat all on his own until you come in, put the kids to bed and will have come for little or no reason. Invite some of the kid's friends round, so that when he turns up there's a room full of children (yes I know tiring for you, but he won't get a look in..)

Do the unexpected and enjoy wrong-footing him. You'll get the hang of it. He doesn't know what stress is yet... wait until the CSA catch up with him! (you did say you did that didn't you..?)

kaz0705

Didn't want to read and run but must confess on read the first and last few pages.

Not an expert in any of this (not married) but my best friend is a solicitor and has voiced many-a-time that a good family law solicitor is essential in these situations. Please, please, please go and see one. Even a free half hour session will give you a basic understanding of your rights. It will be the best half hour you can spend, at the moment.

As for him, you do need to start setting boundaries. What's the one thing parents are told time and time again? Children need routine and boundaries. So, if he cares about them, why wouldn't he want to set them routines and boundaries? Essentially, you're calling his bluff by using that argument.

If you feel too scared to use 'your voice', get 100 articles, research- whatever!- to reinforce that this isn't you being awkward but both of you trying to do what's best for the kids.

And if he won't fix a routine? Then he clearly doesn't care about whats best for the kids and he can't see them.

Finally, don't worry about their relationship with their father- that's for them to work out when their old enough. I'm friends with enough children of divorce to know that whatever you do, they'll still make their own decisions later, as adults. And it will all be down to how their father acted.

You just do the best you can for them and he can lie in his own bed when his (current) actions mean his children want nothing more to do with him. Your life will be forever enriched knowing that your children know they can count on you as a constant in their life.

Best of luck. Listen to the women on here, they clearly have a lot of knowledge and everyone just wants the best for you. You have friends- they might just be a bit more virtual than you're used to :-)

CH27

Emmzi wrote: »

start by fitting a good, solid door chain.

you don't have to use it at first.

just know it is there.

Excellent advice.

January20

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

I wish I could but as he owns the house I can't stop him getting entry.

You are not stopping him entering the house, you are increasing your security because you are now a woman on her own with 2 young children. It would be peace of mind for you knowing that nobody can enter the house when you are asleep.

Doorstep_horror

Morning all

I will look into getting a chain, have upvc doors. He only has one key and that is to the garage (not attached to property), I took all his keys off him when I asked him to leave.

Caroline_a

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

Morning all

I will look into getting a chain, have upvc doors. He only has one key and that is to the garage (not attached to property), I took all his keys off him when I asked him to leave.

:T:T:beer: Hmm maybe a bit early for beer

So if you're out... he can't get in. What time do the children go to bed, and when does he turn up? I'm sure we can think of some really good places that are free for you to go to when he just wants to 'appear'.... :rotfl:

blue_monkey_2

Re the door chain. ALL that can happen is that he gets the hump and calls the police because he cannot come in.

The police will tell him though that as he no longer lives there, he will need to tell you when he is coming round - even though he owns the house. Had he not left he could still come and go as he feels like it. Think about the landlord situation - he cannot just come and go into the house even though he owns it, think of yourselves now as his tenants, the same rules apply because he moved out.

Nothing will happen to you if the police are called the once, just say you did not realise the rules etc and someone advised you incorrectly.

It's time to call his bluff though and see what he does. Lock the door at night, if he can open the lock with the key then get a decent chain fitted. Will he want to go through the humiliation of the neighbours seeing and starting to ask you questions? Because if they did, then I would be honest about why he has left. Will he want the humiliation of the police knowing if you tell them the full story?

I'd try it and see what he says. First, get the door chain and get it fitted. Second, tell him that he can only come on 2 set week days to suit you both. When he comes round, there are ground rules, it has to be after the kids have eaten and he will be responsible for the children in that time, it will include bathing them, reading a story and then putting them to bed - and then he leaves. He is not there to converse with you. While he is there go to your bedroom (make sure you have enough to do to keep you occupied for 2 hours) and let him get on with it so he cannot keep on throwing things in your face. If he starts, tell him that he will have to tell your solicitor as you are not interested. Tell him he comes to see the kids and not you.

At the weekend he gets them for a certain amount of time. If/when it goes to court the judge will see that you have tried to be reasonable and this will go in your favour.

The VERY worst that can happen is he gets the hump, refuses to pay the mortgage and the bills and you need to find somewhere else to live - and then the council will help you. However, then he'll not get his 'other house' that he keeps on going on about (which I think is a lie TBH as it makes him look like he has not come out the loser, but we won't go into that now). Only he will be the loser whatever he decided to do.

Also, check every single Housing Association website in Wales and register with absolutely any that you can and that have open lists. Where does your mother live? Apply there as well as this will be your local connection and you will get more points. When I started digging, when we was evicted (landlord sold up), I found 20 HA that had houses in our area, albeit just a few. The worst thing about this is that the kids have to start a new school - mine have had to and I have a child with Special Needs, they are adaptable and they will get on well. The fear of doing it is worse than actually doing it and you have no ties, job, etc... to keep you in that place.

You will not have to have an interview when you apply to go on the list - you WILL have to have an interview if you want to register as homeless or if he decides to stop paying the mortgage.

Print out the checklist of ground rules and give it to him. He is stressed, tough, tell him that you are sure his woman can sort that out and if she can't well, she cannot be that worth it, can she.

He is grinding you down because he sees you as the weak one now, he is doing to you what she does to him, but in a different way. He uses words and actions, she uses sex. Time to belittle him once again and for you to show you are stronger than him and in control. Maybe others who know about that area of fetish could tell you how to do this - and whether that is wise.

blue_monkey_2

Give him ground rules and make him stick to them.

If he comes round, do not answer the door. If he does, text him and say that tonight is not one of his nights, if he does not leave you will be calling the police.

What time does he come around? Could you turn all the lights out and take the kids upstairs to play, have a bath, story, get ready for bed so that they cannot hear him knocking or he thinks you are out?