Just received this - please help

clearingout

DH - whatever happens here, the best advice I think you can be given and the best advice you would be to take is that you cannot assume that you know this man and are able to handle him. You don't know him. You can't handle him.

a) He has known what he's doing for some time - may only be a short time, but it's a short time longer than you. My ex had been planning his escape for at least 6 months, possibly longer. It leaves you on a backfoot, without really realising it.

b) You don't know him. You know what he wants you to know about him but not the 'real' him. You are probably incredulous that he would leave your children homeless. Be in no doubt, he is capable of doing this and will pursue this line until someone/something stops him.

c) You have a window of opportunity here. Take it. Go through the house with a fine tooth comb and find credit card statements, bank statements for joint and separate accounts, current and savings accounts, evidence of any shares, house ownership, P60s, P45s, National Insurance Number, evidence of any pensions, car log books, photos of any items he may take from the house that are worth more than £500 (as this is all the courts will be interested in if it comes down to it) including jewellery, anything related to expensive hobbies etc. Don't tell me he doesn't have this stuff - check. You might be surprised. Take a photocopy of everything, save the photocopies at a trusted friend's house and return everything to where it was previously. He is not a man who is acting 'off the cuff', he knows exactly what he's doing. The one thing he probably hasn't considered is that you realise what he's up to. Next time you're out, he can come in and take everything - some of it won't matter, other stuff might matter, other stuff definately will matter.

d) It's going to get nasty. You're not going to be able to avoid that. So go to the CSA. You have nothing at all to lose. He'll have to pay if he's employed and that might cause problems with him with the mortgage. Obviously, this will impact on you as it's your home, but the more late payments he makes, the more he struggles, the harder it will be for him to get another mortgage. It's not your credit rating you're worrying about here!

e) My experience is such that I believe my ex never doubted my loyalty to him. He somehow trusted me to do the right thing whilst he was doing very much the wrong thing. You can use this to your benefit. He will assume you're daft - so let him. Don't give away anything. Don't try and reason with him. Don't tell him what your solicitor said. Don't interact with him at all as it will come back to bite you.

Your marriage is over. It sounds to me very much like you're going to have to fight fire with fire. There's nothing wrong with that, providing you keep your head and your dignity and are consistent and honest. When all this is over and you look back, you want to be proud of your actions and hold your head high. So no brawling in the street, no yelling at the other woman, no sending nasty texts or e-mails. Sit on your hands, zip up your mouth and shout on here if you have to - I'll always be willing to listen so PM me if needs be and I know there are others here who will also help. Keep everything professional and business like. He's not the man you thought you married. It's very sad and very, very hard to deal with but you don't have to come down to his level. (((hugs))))

Doorstep_horror

freemanl wrote: »

Forget about that. How he sees it doesn't matter. If you think what he has done is an affair, then it is an affair.

What I read here is "Maybe it is not that serious, so maybe he will eventually come back to me".

He has been with someone else, lied to you behind your back, and is now trying to get everything he can out of you. Do you really want someone like that in you life? He can't make you happy, and I think the only reason you can't see that is you have little life of your own.

Please please put yourself first.

He's done far too much to me now, I DO NOT want him in my life, he is also not a good role model for the children but he's still their dad.

Caroline_a

@clearingout - excellent post! :T

Scorpio33

Caroline_a wrote: »

@clearingout - excellent post! :T

Agreed!

[10 character rule]

blue_monkey_2

Please, please do not even consider taking him back.

He has lied, cheated, he has tried to remortgage the family home and he intends on buying another house tomorrow. Yes he is the father of your children but he has done this once and if you take him back, he will do it again.

Go on, PM those of us that have been helping you the website address, I won't tell, I promise.

shelle2

clearingout is absolutely spot on!

Doorstep_horror

Clearing out I agree full with what you have said, I can put my hands on all passports, birth certificates, kids saving books etc within 5 mins, all wage slips etc are in a locked box not sure where the key has gone though.

Doorstep_horror

Sorry guys unable to pm

suze200

As above. He's kept being a sub from you. You don't know him. He wants the life he thinks he about to get with OW.

blue_monkey_2

OK, I know nothing about this Fetish stuff this but if he is her submissive, could this be why he is being so aggressive with you (not in a physical way, an emotional way).

Because he is so happy to 'give in' he will maybe assume that you will do so to and do as he says, when he says.

I am not sure what the other woman's partner would get out of it if it was a planned thing, she is not actually getting anything is she - indeed, because of this he will end up with even less as he will not have much money.

Maybe my suggestion of them buying their own dungeon about 20 pages back was not so wrong after all. Maybe he is buying it so she can be based there, or them have their 'meetings' there.

Obviously I know nothing about this, can you tell..... :rotfl: