I'm a Dad, Seperating From My Wife...

princessdreamer

oh debs hugs lol poor guy will be running for the hills bet he wishes he not asked now

louise3965

NiallB wrote: »

Wow.

Mumsnet is that way ---->

*ducks*

And thats why blokes can get a lukewarm welcome on Mumsnet.

Marker_2

Your poor wife is all I can say. Wasting her life investing her time and love on you, only for you to to shack up with this 'new woman'. I can guarantee you she will never match up to your wife, as she will never love your kids as much as your wife does.

NiallB

louise3965 wrote: »

And thats why blokes can get a lukewarm welcome on Mumsnet.

And why a guy who freely admits that he screwed up and is looking for advice rather than a flaming would be well advised not to bother posting.

I think he's been a !!!!!! but how are some people queueing up to put the boot in going to help?

surreybased

Firstly I would highly recommend that you look at getting some individual counselling - it might sound strange but you need to understand how you have arrived at this point.

Forget for a moment the current g/f, she is seen as a 'solution' to the problem however it's likely that you have vulnerabilities within you that caused you to look outside your marriage. I'm not blaming but it would be best if you understood how you might need to change so that you can avoid the failure and breakup of other relationships. 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1st marriages so take positive steps to proof your next relationship.

I would recommend that you focus on being the very best dad that you can be..make that your number one priority. Take your share of the parenting and not just the easy bits - do the parenting when the children are ill and teething. Discuss flexible working with your employers as you are now a single dad and the responsibility for childcare shouldn't rest only with your wife. Make sure you have allowed sufficient funds so that you can support yourself and children in a house that is suitable for them to stay over. Invest in equipment that the children need (use freecycle if needed), don't assume your ex will provide everything.Pay your share of childcare in addition to CSA.

Make sure your gf knows that you will take your relationship slowly..it would be madness to move in together so early after a breakup. The typical period for recovery is 2-4 years, whilst you might feel you have moved on from your marriage you need to go through the breavement stages like your wife has to. She will be at different stages to you at different times and this is usually where the conflict comes from. You may not believe it now but you will go through a period of regret.

Do not rush the introduction to the new g/f - think hard for the reasons why you would like this to happen, usually the reason is not in the children's interests. They DO NOT need to meet your g/f yet..you may like it to happen but consider what benefit it is to them..the answer is none. It would be best if you had 121 time with them and plan time with your g/f when you don't have the children. If she is unhappy about this then I suggest she is not understanding enough. If your relationship is right and longterm, you and she will wait.

If your wife sees that you are investing in your children over a long period of time then she is likely to gain some respect for you which is the basis of any relationship. Make the effort now that you are a single dad.Consider what changes you will make in your life to be there for your children, think about reducing your work commitments so that you are now an equal parent to your wife.

Your children get one childhood and how genuinely unselfishly you act now (and in the future) will decide how happy their childhood will be. Put their needs ahead of your own (and this is easy to say but so very hard to do).

Rockporkchop

NiallB wrote: »

And why a guy who freely admits that he screwed up and is looking for advice rather than a flaming would be well advised not to bother posting.

I think he's been a !!!!!! but how are some people queueing up to put the boot in going to help?

The OP needs to be told that it is his behaviour that has destroyed the marriage, not the lack of affection from his wife. He comes across as a childish and selfish idiot, who was not willing to put his own children's needs first for a short period of time, for the long term happiness and benefit of the whole family.

I wish men like this would think long term and realise that family life does have its ups and downs (especially in the first few years of bringing up children) and you can't just bail out for the nearest slapper because you feel you aren't getting enough attention.

purpletoenails

Rockporkchop wrote: »

The OP needs to be told that it is his behaviour that has destroyed the marriage, not the lack of affection from his wife. He comes across as a childish and selfish idiot, who was not willing to put his own children's needs first for a short period of time, for the long term happiness and benefit of the whole family.

I wish men like this would think long term and realise that family life does have its ups and downs (especially in the first few years of bringing up children) and you can't just bail out for the nearest slapper because you feel you aren't getting enough attention.

I think the OP is well aware of what he's done and has probably heard what you're saying 100 times already from various people.

[needless to say, I am sorry for the hurt I've caused, I know I'm [I]"all those names under the sun"[/I], and I know she'll be hurting really bad, I know the kids will be impacted, and I know the above may seem like a selfish yelp for support. My wife is getting the same support from our friends and family which leaves me with MSE]

However he is now asking for advice on what is the best way to move forward, to minimise any damage and ensure the best possible outcome for all involved.

I would have appreciated such thoughtfulness from my ex-husband, who after we split up disappeared for 16 years, leaving me with no support, financial or otherwise.

property.advert

Lots of anger from the "wimmin" as to be expected but this bloke thinks the OP is pretty much a waste of space as well and more interested in getting his oats from a younger model than playing daddy to his kids.

I second the idea of holding back on the new girl of she'll get up the spout and then life will be totally screwed for everyone. Whether that means a reconciliation with the ex some way down the line I do not know.

What is certain and I know this from experience, is that the best solution is for the OP to get together with the ex and work out a settlement they can both live with and then and only then get the lawyers to draw it up. Involve them too early and they'll try and drag it on forever.

princessdreamer

From speaking to may single parents those who do have reasonable relationships with their ex, it seems to have taken years to get to that point. You are not going to like this but I think things will get better in the future if you split with present girlfriend and meet someone new much less hurt on all sides. After all your new girlfriend knows you are a cheat and your ex knows she is the one you cheated with.

make_me_wise

surreybased wrote: »

Firstly I would highly recommend that you look at getting some individual counselling - it might sound strange but you need to understand how you have arrived at this point.

Forget for a moment the current g/f, she is seen as a 'solution' to the problem however it's likely that you have vulnerabilities within you that caused you to look outside your marriage. I'm not blaming but it would be best if you understood how you might need to change so that you can avoid the failure and breakup of other relationships. 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1st marriages so take positive steps to proof your next relationship.

I would recommend that you focus on being the very best dad that you can be..make that your number one priority. Take your share of the parenting and not just the easy bits - do the parenting when the children are ill and teething. Discuss flexible working with your employers as you are now a single dad and the responsibility for childcare shouldn't rest only with your wife. Make sure you have allowed sufficient funds so that you can support yourself and children in a house that is suitable for them to stay over. Invest in equipment that the children need (use freecycle if needed), don't assume your ex will provide everything.Pay your share of childcare in addition to CSA.

Make sure your gf knows that you will take your relationship slowly..it would be madness to move in together so early after a breakup. The typical period for recovery is 2-4 years, whilst you might feel you have moved on from your marriage you need to go through the breavement stages like your wife has to. She will be at different stages to you at different times and this is usually where the conflict comes from. You may not believe it now but you will go through a period of regret.

Do not rush the introduction to the new g/f - think hard for the reasons why you would like this to happen, usually the reason is not in the children's interests. They DO NOT need to meet your g/f yet..you may like it to happen but consider what benefit it is to them..the answer is none. It would be best if you had 121 time with them and plan time with your g/f when you don't have the children. If she is unhappy about this then I suggest she is not understanding enough. If your relationship is right and longterm, you and she will wait.

If your wife sees that you are investing in your children over a long period of time then she is likely to gain some respect for you which is the basis of any relationship. Make the effort now that you are a single dad.Consider what changes you will make in your life to be there for your children, think about reducing your work commitments so that you are now an equal parent to your wife.

Your children get one childhood and how genuinely unselfishly you act now (and in the future) will decide how happy their childhood will be. Put their needs ahead of your own (and this is easy to say but so very hard to do).

Thank you for posting this fantastic advice :T