I'm a Dad, Seperating From My Wife...

clearingout

paying for everything isn't a long term option. It also doesn't allow her any independence and gives you a huge element of control over her life which is not good for either of you. As a single parent on a part-time wage, she should have some tax credit eligibility which I would suggest she looks into as soon as possible as it will give her an idea of where she's at and what she might need from you to keep things ticking over financially.

If you can keep her going financially for a few months, do so, but ultimately, you need to divorce (let her divorce you for adultery if she wants that, don't add insult to injury and start shouting about unreasonable behaviour!) and move on with life. No judge is going to sign off the financial side of things with you paying everything!

I didn't believe my ex would ever come crawling back. He'd well and truly burnt his bridges, believe me! It took him a while but I did get a 'is there anyway back for us' phone call eventually!

Rockporkchop

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

It's a crying shame that you couldn't just have devoted the past few years to being an amazing husband and father and realised that your time would come again. Presumably your wife gave you nine years of her undivided attention before she gave you the blessing of your children, and the all consuming part when they are little is really not long in the scale of things.

You are a pitiful excuse for a man and your wife is better off without you.

pinkshoes

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

Thanks clearingout - kind of the response I was expecting really. I hope I can answer in the tone intended (i.e. please don't think I'm being bolshy).

I've messed her around lots, going back and forth, so she's not happy at all but I'm hopeful she'll forgive. She's a strong person and I know she'll get through this.

From a financial perspective, I've told her (and I will stick to this) that I will continue to pay everything I always have done. This actually means that by going through a legal route, she'd be worse off. I pay for everything for the house. So I hope this seems like I'm not shunning my responsibilities.

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

And as for 'crawling back', that's not an option. Bridges totally and utterly burned.

To me this sounds far more like a case of you being busy with work, her being busy with motherhood, and the two of you forgot to work as a team any more, and took each other and the relationship for granted.

You've now taken the easy way out rather than working at the relationships and repairing it, which CAN be done.

You've only been with this other girl for 3 months, and I'll put money on it not being what you thought it was going to be further down the line.

Are you absolutely 100% sure that you don't want to make things work with your wife? Counselling? A family holiday?

If you're 100% sure you want to give up on your marriage, then your responsibility is to make sure that your children have a roof over their heads until they turn 18, and that they're provided for.

euronorris

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

Out of curiosity, did you help her with any of these responsibilities? So that she actually had the time and energy to show affection to you? Or did you just work long hours and then come home and expect a sex kitten in the bedroom?

I'm only asking because, if you didn't offer her any assistance, you may find yourself in a similar situation in a few years time with the new woman. Time to learn from your mistakes also (it's coming accross a little like you blame your wife entirely for the affair - but there were two people in that relationship and it was your choice to have an affair rather than talk to her about the problems you were having).

pigpen

What did you do to get through it?

He slept with girls half his age.. classy!!!!

How did the financial side of things work out?

He tells everyone he pays for me, the children and the house... n fact we get squat.. You could contact the CSA and see what they say you should pay and either pay that or come to some agreement with your wife as to what is reasonable.

How does it work with the kids?

He puts his social life first leaving me to struggle when we have someone in hospital or is unwell. He lets them down last minute. He thinks it is ok to keep them off school with no good reason. I do all the nasty stuff.. illnesses, appointments, parents evenings, school runs, discipline... he takes them on holiday and to seaside etc.. the stuff I cant afford to do because I am keeping a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food in their tummies!

Are you friends with your wife now?

Would she want to be friends with you? 2.5 years later we are struggling with civil!!

Have you introduced your kids to your new partner? When did you do this?

Mine met OH after 2 weeks.. BUT .. I had them 24/7 for the first 6 months after he left so I never had time to spend with anyone else because they were constantly here. If I was lucky I got an hour or 2 when he took them to park.. OH lived 2 hours drive away. I dont think he waited that long but lied and said she was a friend.

My advice.. dont tell lies, dont spread gossip and dont use the children as bargaining chips!

euronorris

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

Also, I feel the two highlighted parts contradict each other.

She was (presumably - from what you've told us) doing all of the housework, childcare and working part time. That isn't neglecting you, not entirely.

The majority of your needs were being met, so I can only assume that affection was the only thing missing and I am guessing that is because she was exhausted!

I would strongly recommend that you go through the CSA for the financial side. They will decide the amount you should pay, and so long as you always pay it and on time too, it should eliminate a cause of potential arguments between you.

emma12345

As someone this happened to also, he left just after my daughter was born after 14 years together for someone from work, I'll try and give some constructive advice without blame.

I know you want to try to continue to pay for everything, my ex said that, and that's mostly the guilt talking. But you can't do that long term, it's not practical. My ex only lasted a month of two with that and then went to the CSA minimum. If your ex wife is working part time, as long as it is over 16 hours she can get tax credits and help with childcare costs. You need to agree a reasonable sum of money from yourself and stick to it so she can rely on it whatever happens and whatever other demands you have.

As has been said, leave the new partner out of it for 6 months or so, red rag to a bull and rightly so!

Be there for your children. Share childcare in the holidays and weekends. That way you can get to know your children and your ex wife can have a life too.

And that's another thing. When your ex wife does meet someone else don't get jealous and try to get her back. That happens more than you think. Let her live your life as you are living yours.

Do anything you can to remain friends for the sake of the children. I did, even though it was horribly difficult at first, but it was worth it. Your wife has a right to be angry with you, you broke promises. Never deny her anger, she has a right to it, and answer any questions she needs to know. In the long run it will help enormously, you'll become friends again, and that'll help not only yourselves but your children too.

My ex was also another one that decided that the grass wasn't greener and after 4 years, rightly or wrongly for the sake of the children, I let him come back.

Good luck.

Private_and_Confidential

Wow - Lots of responses and a few responses that weren't either expected or called for TBH. Im sorry Rockporkchop that you think "You are a pitiful excuse for a man and your wife is better off without you". I guess whether that be the case or not, the fact remains that I've left my wife and now I want guidance on how to move things forward. Practical guidance, not marriage guidance.

Euronorris : No, I suppose I didn't help with the responsibilities, and it's a cliche, but I was working whilst she was working, it just so happens that during the 9-5 working day (and then some), her work was being a housewife and mother and part-time teacher. And this was the agreement we made when we chose to have children.

Pinkshoes : You're right, we did end up take each other and the relationship for granted. It's the way it evolved. I suppose my 'pitiful' way of dealing with it was to stray - not the right things to do. The straying though totally broke something that was mildly damaged.

Clearingout : Thanks for the financial advice. I suppose you're right that it wouldnt be sustainable to continue to pay for everything. And giving her more control woudl help her find independance. I'll take that on board, although one of her fears is that she'll not cope financially, i'll maintaing the roof over their heads until situations change for her financially, then maybe we can look at the books again.

Mimi Arc en ciel : Woah, bno way wil I be skimping on either paying my way or being a great father. It sounds like you have a bad experience there. I hope we don't have to go through courts/CSA etc, but if thats whats needed to make it all official, then that's what I'll support. I'll not be fibbing about my earnings though, and I'll be striving to get time with the kids.

Private_and_Confidential

Thanks Emma12345 - The best reply yet. I appriciate your constructive advice.

Pigpen - Although it may not seem that way (because I've done the cardinal sin in a marriage and had an affair), I'm not the type of person who will fail to deliver on my responsibilities. Slight contradiction I suppose because I had a responsibility and commitment to be a great husband - I guess time circumstance meant we fell out of love.

yummymummy79

Putting aside all the moral aspects and sticking to facts:
My ex left just before our son's 3rd birthday. We had a joint mortgage and I had left my job the week before. For the first few months, he was living with his parents, so paid my mortgage as I could manage the rest of the bills short term. He got his own house after 4 months and I was receiving student finance by then so I remortgaged and paid him 50% of the equity we had in the house (£30k borrowed from my parents).

The most important thing out of all of it was that we agreed that our son would live with each of us 50/50. I claim the CB and TC so he doesn't pay me anything, even though he has always earned more than me. He has the same expenses as I do when he has DS so didn't think it was fair for him to pay me when I was claiming the benefits.

He got a new gf after a few weeks, I asked him to leave it for a few more weeks to introduce her to him and they did it gradually. I didn't get a bf until a few months later, and even then it was an hour here and there that they met. Took a bit longer for me to meet the new gf, just seemed bonkers for her to have to hide upstairs every time I went round there!

Now the bit that is rather uncommon but I am very proud of. We are great friends now, and always have been really. I used to go to him when I was having bloke trouble or feeling rubbish (bit odd I guess but it worked) and he talks to me about issues with his gf. We are always round each others houses, dropping off stuff for school etc or just helping each other out. He has got a new daughter, I'm 9 weeks off giving birth to a girl, and we have said all along that if anything happened to either of us (and partners), the other one would take on the child in their family as they will basically be like sisters anyway. We go to all parents evenings, medical appts etc together, alternate years for holidays, babysit for each other etc. I realise that this isn't going to happen in a lot of cases, but I do feel that if some people just put their own attitudes or wanting one-upmanship behind them, they could achieve at least parts of what we have.