I'm a Dad, Seperating From My Wife...

vintagebrighton

I've read all this with interest. Can I just say that although YOU are willing to pay everything and see your children as much as possible how does your new partner view this? In my experience, once the new relationship becomes serious and the realisation sets in that your time and money is shared, things start getting a bit less clear cut. Pressure is put on to spend less time/money on the first family and bit by bit both get chipped away for the sake of a quite life......... Don't let it happen or you'll never remain on good terms with your wife, especially if you start messing about with time/money for the children.

euronorris

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

Euronorris : No, I suppose I didn't help with the responsibilities, and it's a cliche, but I was working whilst she was working, it just so happens that during the 9-5 working day (and then some), her work was being a housewife and mother and part-time teacher. And this was the agreement we made when we chose to have children.

I understand that, it's not an uncommon agreement to have, but......the housewife and mother part of her job never stops. It's 24/7. Whereas, your job stops when you leave the office (or turn your blackberry off - whatever the case may be).

So, were you sharing the responsibilities once you returned home, or still expecting her to do it all?

Did you talk to her about how you were feeling before you started an affair? Did she have any chance at all to realise how unhappy you were and try to fix things?

It's important for you to understand the role you played in the marriage breakdown, in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

As for her finances, if she is scared about how she will cope, perhaps it would be good for her to have a friend sit down with her and work out the practicalities (I'm suggesting friend, as she may be too angry with you to accept your help right now). Once she has a clearer picture of her individual finances, and the minimum needs she and the kids have, you can discuss again about your contributions to that. She should feel more confident about doing it alone then.

princessdreamer

Right you want an honest opinion so here it is. Stop blaming the wife you messed up the marriage, you cheated and you let everyone down. Still with me good. You need to say sorry, build bridges and let go. You have to take all the blame on the chin, man up.
After doing this everyone can move on be amicable and no-one suffers. Take the legal route to sort finances and access, be fair it will save you money and everyone heartache.

fannyanna

yummymummy79 wrote: »

Now the bit that is rather uncommon but I am very proud of. We are great friends now, and always have been really. I used to go to him when I was having bloke trouble or feeling rubbish (bit odd I guess but it worked) and he talks to me about issues with his gf. We are always round each others houses, dropping off stuff for school etc or just helping each other out. He has got a new daughter, I'm 9 weeks off giving birth to a girl, and we have said all along that if anything happened to either of us (and partners), the other one would take on the child in their family as they will basically be like sisters anyway. We go to all parents evenings, medical appts etc together, alternate years for holidays, babysit for each other etc. I realise that this isn't going to happen in a lot of cases, but I do feel that if some people just put their own attitudes or wanting one-upmanship behind them, they could achieve at least parts of what we have.

Wow what a brilliant relationship you've got going on there. It's nice when you hear stories like this although completely understandable why most stories are the complete opposite.

vintagebrighton wrote: »

I've read all this with interest. Can I just say that although YOU are willing to pay everything and see your children as much as possible how does your new partner view this? In my experience, once the new relationship becomes serious and the realisation sets in that your time and money is shared, things start getting a bit less clear cut. Pressure is put on to spend less time/money on the first family and bit by bit both get chipped away for the sake of a quite life......... Don't let it happen or you'll never remain on good terms with your wife, especially if you start messing about with time/money for the children.

This is very, very true.

You're going to have a HUGE conflict between your ex and children and your current girlfriend (especially considering the circumstances of the start of this new relationship).

Your wife will feel as though you're abandoning her and the children in favour of your new bit. In turn your new girlfriend will feel as though your making sacrifices in your current relationship for the benefit of your ex and the children.

Does you new girlfriend have children? It's a generalisation but I think women handle being in the "2nd wives club" better if they have children as they understand the sacrifices made for children. I say this as a childless member of the "2nd wives club"

princessdreamer

What did you do to get through it?

I lived my life, paid my (and his) bills. Met up with old friends and tried to be amicable with ex, even invited him and girlfriend for coffee. Huge mistake they were evil to me for even suggesting it
How did the financial side of things work out?

He left us in a load of debt, disappeared with new woman and has been hiding ever since. debt collectors turn up here looking for him. Has not paid towards the mortgage but wants me to give him a load of money I don't have for his share. Am going to court to try to keep the house at least until the children have grown up. Girlfriend screamed down the phone I will be left with nothing ( lovely woman)

How does it work with the kids?

He does not see the children his and their choice.
Are you friends with your wife now?

He is still very abusive to me, got his girlfriend to send abusive messages to me and my oldest child


Have you introduced your kids to your new partner?

No. He asked once said no wait till things have settled. The abuse started and now the children want nothing to do with either of them
When did you do this?

I would say at least six months in

princessdreamer

fannyanna wrote: »

Wow what a brilliant relationship you've got going on there. It's nice when you hear stories like this although completely understandable why most stories are the complete opposite.



This is very, very true.

You're going to have a HUGE conflict between your ex and children and your current girlfriend (especially considering the circumstances of the start of this new relationship).

Your wife will feel as though you're abandoning her and the children in favour of your new bit. In turn your new girlfriend will feel as though your making sacrifices in your current relationship for the benefit of your ex and the children.

Does you new girlfriend have children? It's a generalisation but I think women handle being in the "2nd wives club" better if they have children as they understand the sacrifices made for children. I say this as a childless member of the "2nd wives club"

Having a child makes husbands girlfriend worse as she wants him as a dad to her child and only her child. Same with paying her ex should pay for her child but mine should get nothing as they are not her problem.

fannyanna

princessdreamer wrote: »

Having a child makes husbands girlfriend worse as she wants him as a dad to her child and only her child. Same with paying her ex should pay for her child but mine should get nothing as they are not her problem.

Yes you're right that can also be true.

Of course there are women out there that can be entirely reasonable

j.e.j.

OP has not had much feedback from men, as yet anyway, which I think is what he was looking for.

But I'll still put my tuppence worth in and say do tread carefully, especially with the children being so young. It's a shame to walk out on a 20-month-old and a 5 year old

Also bear in mind in the future, if/when you and your ex have kids with new partners, it could all get horrendously complicated and messy.

Your new lady also needs to bear in mind the old saying: when a man marries his mistress, she creates a vacancy

Lara44

This is going to seem like a strange comment, but did you watch Educating Essex on TV last night? There was a classic case of a teenager going off the rails because his parents had separated and his Dad had a new family. It's nowhere near your situation OP, because your kids are so much smaller, but it is a very interesting insight into how much a deterioration at home can affect children. You are making a new family with your new girlfriend so you need to be aware of the balance between both families and strike the right balance.

princessdreamer

j.e.j think that saying lives inside my exs girlfriends head, she is terrified of him being near me. What she needs to worry about is every other woman he meets not me I moved on.:)