I'm a Dad, Seperating From My Wife...

Private_and_Confidential

I guess all I want/need is some advice and support from other dad's out there in my situation.

• What did you do to get through it?
• How did the financial side of things work out?
• How does it work with the kids?
• Are you friends with your wife now?
• Have you introduced your kids to your new partner? When did you do this?

A bit of background : I'm 33, been with my wife for 14 years and married for 4 years with 2 children aged 5 and 20mths. I've been working loads and not spending much time at home. I've felt unloved and despite showing lots of love, care and affection for my wife I don't feel like I've received the same. I had an affair which started in July and this has contributed to the marriage breakdown. I am now in a relationship with the girl I had an affair with, and it's very very good. I'm scared however of how to work things out with my wife to ensure that we both move on from this in a good way.

I know a lot of advice will be to 'seek legal advice' which we will, but I'm looking for some shoulder grabbing reassurance from guys out there who have experienced the same and who can "tell it how it is" from their experience.

Thanks, Rich.

[needless to say, I am sorry for the hurt I've caused, I know I'm [I]"all those names under the sun"[/I], and I know she'll be hurting really bad, I know the kids will be impacted, and I know the above may seem like a selfish yelp for support. My wife is getting the same support from our friends and family which leaves me with MSE]

clearingout

depends how forgiving she is in nature. I have never forgiven my ex for what he did to us (similar story only I was left pregnant with our third child) but that has a lot to do with his inability to face up to his responsiblities towards our children. It takes a very big person to put aside the crap and deal with what's important only and you will be able to help with this by working out exactly what your priorities are.

I would suggest that the biggest priority is financial side of things - making sure that your wife and children are OK (there is a need to understand - on both sides) that the same standard of living is unlikely and that may mean that your new partner has to face up to providing you with some financial support. I would suggest taking holidays, buying new cars, new clothes etc. etc. is totally out of the question if your wife is going to struggle to pay the mortgage. Unfortunately, many people who have affairs seem to feel that 'moving on' is a right and leave their families in dire financial straits with a shrug of the shoulders and a 'it's not my responsibility'.

You should not introduce your children to your new partner now. Give it at least 6 months. This is both for your wife's sake but most importantly, your children's sake as they need time to work things through and understand what has happened. Introducing a new person into the mix just muddies the waters and will hit your wife like a thousand very large stones. Your new partner needs to understand that your children come first always. Most new partners don't get this and it is a source of many, many problems. Your new partner needs to keep out of your divorce and she needs to recognise that her very existence is agony for your wife.

The 'I felt unloved' excuse is rubbish. You have been working away and your wife has been dealing with young children on her own. It's not much fun. You may well have shown her affection but maybe she needed something more. As many of us here with exs will tell you, sooner or later they came crawling back with the 'grass really isn't greener' excuse.

clearingout

and you can forget the 'friends with the ex' thing. Friends do not do what you have just done.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

My ex did same as you - worked away, had an affair with a girl he worked with.

In answer to your questions:

What did you do to get through it?

From my point of view - threw him, his clothes, his property out of the house.

He sulked for a bit after realising he had been caught, but that was it. I really dont see why you are struggling to get through it - it was you who had the affair

How did the financial side of things work out?
I dragged his behind through the CSA - he was told they would take an average from 3 months payslips, so he stopped all his OT to get his wages down. CSA now say he earns £18k a year, when actually its £25k. Get aggro off him to pull out of the CSA as they are now changing the system and will finally realise he's been lying and he will have to pay more.

How does it work with the kids?
It doesnt, I've offered contact but he needs to tell me where he lives (as he wants DD at his house and my solicitor says he must provide this) and I've requested he spends some time alone with the DD away from the GF for some one-to-one (we're not talking ALL day, just an hour or so, so DD can bond with her dad without the GF jumping up for attention also) He refuses both, decided he couldnt afford a solicitor (but then proposed to his gf and paid all deposits for a wedding)

He's seen DD once in a year - she hid from him. She refuses to call him "dad" and calls him by his first name instead (her choice)

Are you friends with your wife now?
I'll never be friends with my ex - Might spit on him if he was on fire but thats about it. This isnt just because of the break up, but also because of how he treats DD and how he tries to cause problems with me and my OH

Have you introduced your kids to your new partner? When did you do this?

I introduced my DD to my OH about 2 months after we got together - BUT - I had known him for 10 years proir and had agreed this with ex. Ex wanted to introduce DD to his new GF straight away, in the end we waited and the GF came to my house to meet DD (So i was at ease and didnt think she was an axe murderer and so there was no pressure on DD)

I wish now we had waited to introduce DD but hindsight is a beautiful thing. DD gets on brilliant with my OH. She doesnt obviously see her dad and his partner - they're now getting married next year and havent even invited DD (nor even told her!)

CH27

What is your wife's attitude at the moment? Is she willing to sit down & talk things through?

clearingout

talk what through?!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

out of curiosity - How long ago did all this happen?

Private_and_Confidential

Thanks clearingout - kind of the response I was expecting really. I hope I can answer in the tone intended (i.e. please don't think I'm being bolshy).

I've messed her around lots, going back and forth, so she's not happy at all but I'm hopeful she'll forgive. She's a strong person and I know she'll get through this.

From a financial perspective, I've told her (and I will stick to this) that I will continue to pay everything I always have done. This actually means that by going through a legal route, she'd be worse off. I pay for everything for the house. So I hope this seems like I'm not shunning my responsibilities.

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

And as for 'crawling back', that's not an option. Bridges totally and utterly burned.

CH27

clearingout wrote: »

talk what through?!

Finances, access etc.

gratefulforhelp_2

OP you might get more "male who left his family" practical answers and support on the "child support" sub board.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

Thanks clearingout - kind of the response I was expecting really. I hope I can answer in the tone intended (i.e. please don't think I'm being bolshy).

I've messed her around lots, going back and forth, so she's not happy at all but I'm hopeful she'll forgive. She's a strong person and I know she'll get through this.

From a financial perspective, I've told her (and I will stick to this) that I will continue to pay everything I always have done. This actually means that by going through a legal route, she'd be worse off. I pay for everything for the house. So I hope this seems like I'm not shunning my responsibilities.

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

And as for 'crawling back', that's not an option. Bridges totally and utterly burned.

Hm if you have messed her about for ages, and she is saying things like "i know its my fault for neglecting you" then it sounds like she's still in love with you and is a glutton for punishment.

With regards to finance - how does your new partner feel about you continuing to pay for "everything" ?

I cant see how is this financially possibly - Unless you are on a ridiculous wage - not many people can afford to run two households. She might be worse off if you go down the legal route but actually it offers more assurance than your word for it (after all, you did promise to forsake all others at your wedding IYSWIM )

If your married, you could add a clause into it stating that you will pay your ex spousal maintaince of XXX then she wouldnt be worse off